ilx posts with striking imagery

our office coffee tasted like batteries :(

― Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, March 13, 2018 12:54 PM (four minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

When I worked at the liquor store, the keg boys would stand in the coolers and look for shoplifters through the Zima.

― pplains, Friday, March 30, 2018 9:36 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Some bad beer just tastes like carbonated chicken broth to me. I don't like that.

― Yerac, Monday, April 2, 2018 9:19 AM (two minutes ago)

I flinched.

came here to post same, seconded

memories for me...
a soundtrack to a beautifully chubby bubbly bobbly lass from Osage, Iowa- on her turf - in the summer of 89 - no , she was great, i was the problem

her other fave was 'In My Tribe'

But her real fave was Bobby Brown

I t was the summer I 'discovered' Big Star

― Fer Ark, Monday, August 4, 2008 7:12 PM (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

sorry my reading comprehension is severely compromised today i have like 3 colds and my hands are covered in gauze

― flappy bird, Tuesday, January 15, 2019 11:23 AM (twenty-eight minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Mark Rylance got a blowjob in a movie once. The way people say dog owners look like their dogs is also true of Rylance and his penis.

― Greta Van Show Feets BB (milo z), Friday, March 8, 2019 5:14 PM (one hour ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

isn't he Flop on Bing?

as one of the few ilxors who will understand that post i feel duty bound to answer yes. not a voice i was expecting to hear in such a context.

insert Bing Crosby / 'Straight Down The Middle' joke here

I feel the Flop imagery is even more striking tbh

I'm sure I'm not the only one to have had a roommate with a Crass tattoo. Everyone's had one at one point in their lives. But has anyone else once had a roommate with a Crass tattoo AND a drinking problem AND untreated tooth decay that kept him up at night moaning in pain while drunk and blasting Crass? Could never get into Crass for that reason, but I appreciated the few moments I got to spend with the Richard Kern photo book, Phil Ochs biography, and back issues of Adbusters he kept in the bathroom.

― del griffith, Tuesday, 9 April 2019 22:55 (one minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I really take offense that you said Beto has a nice ass. You could probably spackle a wall with that thing.

― Yerac, Monday, April 22, 2019

idgi?

his butt flesh has a doughy consistency reminiscent of a popular wall patching compound

A Men’s Health cover worth framing

you spackle w a flat instrument, was my read

xp but spackle isn't doughy -- it's more like pancake batter, but when it gets dried out it's a bit crumbly (kinda like feta) -- but doughy? You're thinking of a different building material.

he's got a flat ass (and also a possibility you can sand with it).

the whole tool or the flat part minus the handle, which does often have some curvature?

I read it as “Beto has a reliable, useful ass”

eric swalwell, now there's an ass, you could grout tile with it

his ass is so flat you can easily smooth the spackle on a flat wall, sand, spackle, repeat.

you would need to wet that ass to grout.

at least we've cleared up the confusion over whether his ass is the spackle or the knife

I usually prefer to let the reader create their own meaning.

fill the gaps, as it were

i generally don't spackle twice ... sometimes I'm so good, I don't even _need_ to sand

beto's ass believes in DIY, he would use toothpaste.

don't spackle twice i'm alt-right

what? sorry.

that would be stupid because toothpaste is more expensive. I could see it making do with drywall mud in a pinch

xp but spackle isn't doughy -- it's more like pancake batter, but when it gets dried out it's a bit crumbly (kinda like feta) -- but doughy? You're thinking of a different building material.

shit, you're right. I guess I should stop holding myself up as an authority on home improvement (and butts)

you can still be an authority on butts

*multiple spinning red and purple yin-yang symbols*

a timeline where a 70 odd year old Irish member of the Coyle family became an Ilxer after googling Daniel O'Donnell's hypnagogic phase, and finding the gateway drug ILM.

― calzino, Thursday, 9 May 2019 09:55 (thirty-six minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Fifteen years ago this week: Some live crickets escaped from a package at work, Jimmy 'the fish' Dolan said he'd seen Marty Wilde in a black Lexus on the ring-road, AND I saw an old man who was covered in grass stains walking a terrier.
I knew keeping a diary would pay off.

— Kevin Boniface (@MrKevinBoniface) May 10, 2019

sorry not an ILX post but still good enough to park here I thought.

there was a Stoke fan poster from a sub football message-board I used to frequent in the previous decade who was a published author of some seemingly very bad books + who lectured at Norwich uni and was a bit of an arrogant dick, but a very very funny poster with it and he hated New Labour with a passion. The poor guy ended up downing a bottle of vodka and jumping off a bridge and ending it 10 years ago. He once posted a list of reasons why Lampard is a cunt that went something like: 1. Lisping Tory Boy Cunt 2. Corporeality... I still don't understand the meaning of 2 and it has stuck in my mind, but 1 perfectly fine (with the caveat I don't judge on speech impediments but in this case...).

― calzino, Saturday, 24 August 2019 21:42 (three days ago) link

if you are curious about his books (which I most certainly never have been!) he was called Stephen Foster and his published works were about his dogs, he did an account of a season of following Pulis era Stoke(｀ ∀ ´)Ψ, a smug 80's memoir where he boasts about how much fucking he did and what a cool, hilarious character he was etc (which was his posting style tbf) I think his dog books sold 100000+ copies!

John isn't from round here, he's from down South somewhere but had also spent the 22 years based in Corsica.

He got a £450,000 pay out from the Army because he got blown up in Uganda and wasn't expected to live. He has 4 years left until he can officially retire, but his now a chef, in something army related

He told me had done a number of extractions, some in Iran and one in this country. He was tortured in Iran in 1995. He recently did some work in Syria. He showed me a bullet wound in his leg, i couldnt quite tell what was going on with his hand

We were on the bus to Haworth, he said, when he first came to the area he spent 6 months in Haworth. He said no one had lived there for 6 months, and there was a rat. the rat wasnt frightened so he was able to kill it with a brick. He told his landlord and the landlord told him to buy some traps. Over the next couple of weeks he caught 14 or 15 rats and put them in the freezer. When the landlord came he took them out and wrapped them up and gave them to his landlord as a moving-in present

He spent some time in the brecon beacons where the army do some exercises, and during a training exercise 6 people died from hypothermia and it got into the newspapers

― anvil, Wednesday, 11 February 2015 13:01 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

John was actually born and grew up in France, and still has a french barclaycard, which is frequently refused in restaurants and shops. its bright yellow, as he cant see the normal one properly. he showed me it, and i could see that his surname is Le Chat. Unfortunately i cant quite remember his first name, so I am calling him John because i think it was something like that

He carries around a 50kg backpack, just as he always has done, and frequently runs over the top of the moors from Hebden Bridge to Haworth, although today he was on the bus. He was in Wilmslow, near Manchester a couple of weeks ago, and someone came up to him and asked him if he is the mad runner in haworth

― anvil, Wednesday, 11 February 2015 13:05 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

John jumped out of aeroplanes when in the army, and there was a competition who could pull the parachute chord last, and he lost a friend that way

When the tour de france passed through here, he said a man stood next to him near a wall, and he was sure he recognized the man and asked him, do i know you from my Gym? but he wasnt from round there, and it was really bugging him who this man was, later that day he turned on the television coverage and realized it was David Beckham

John said most of the extractions were of people that wanted to go, but when he got caught in Iran, they tortured him and smashed his teeth with a hammer.

― anvil, Wednesday, 11 February 2015 13:08 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

I asked him where he would go in 4 years when his retirement comes up, bt he doesnt know, he has a couple of houses and is playing the game, though he is currently renting in sowerby bridge

John lent me 20p because my card had been stopped and i wasnt sure if i had enough for the bus, otherwise I thought i might have to go into the square and see if Chris was protesting against Gaza, to see if she had any spare change. I still didnt quite have enough, for my second bus journey after this one, so i walked the last part

― anvil, Wednesday, 11 February 2015 13:11 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

John sister worked for Novell for 22 years and got a large redundancy payout and was able to retire at 38 years old

There was a man in Haworth that he met when he was in Turkey but i forgot the rest of that part, I tried to remember the rest of what John told me, as there was quite a bit more as we were on the bus for nearly an hour

― anvil, Wednesday, 11 February 2015 13:13 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

John said at one of the banks, the pens were tied down and he said how am i supposed to trust you if you dont trust your customers not to take the pens. At Barclays they dont tie down the pens. He always takes the pen away at Barclays, but thats because he is always short of pens

― anvil, Wednesday, 11 February 2015 13:43 (four years ago) bookmarkflaglink

✔✔✔

magic

if ever you find yourself thinking 'golly, x is a good poster' it can be worth scrolling the post history

^ strikingly imagory

I lived for 6 months with my wife on a hutong off nanluoguxiang in beijing, it was one of those courtyard houses, we just had one room in the complex owned by a terrifying old lady we had to call "dama" - she was part of a "red song" singing contest and used to practice tunelessly singing a song about "we will take the landlord's stick and beat him with it" outside my door at 5.30am every fucking day, she was literally my landlord and walked around with a stick.

― mfktz (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Tuesday, 24 December 2019 14:32 (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

10. putting chilli sauce on vanilla ice cream - one mouthful was enough to cause projectile vomiting.

― snoball, Saturday, 4 July 2009 09:46 (ten years ago)

nothing comes out of my butt when i masturbate.

― Yerac, Saturday, March 7, 2020 11:23 AM (nine hours ago)

theres ppl on the planet who pay good money to be probed all sorts of places but listen i dont judge em i can only tell you ill jumpstart a hearse get it rolling toward the graveyard fling myself into the back of it and will myself to room temperature before i become fig a in the nightmare above

― thou shalt not covid thy neighbour's wife (darraghmac), Monday, March 23, 2020 2:56 AM (six hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

classic deems