Swiping people left and right: the Tinder/hook-up culture discussion

i assumed this revive was about the congressional buzzkill on hookup sites

here's the kicker...

she's in an open marriage

lmao I went through something similar a couple years back. it was...............interesting

(is this a uniquely canadian problem?)

so jim have you given much thought to how you’re going to kill her other husband yet?

criss cross, obv

Tinder can be very cool! The first response after I recreated my profile got a date arranged after three hours - kissing at the end of the first date, going to the movies and completely ignoring the movies for the second (Could not recommend Will Smith / Margot Robbie vehicle Focus highly enough for this purpose - bright and engaging out of the corner of your eye and you can miss more or less all of it with no ill effects). She's finishing her PhD in September and moving away, I'm out of a serious long term relationship and not looking for another, so Tinder found us each other for fooling around and watching Father Ted.

This didn't work out so well, in that we got engaged this weekend*.

It's weird having a 'proper' relationship out of a dating app, the whole thing is largely off in its own bubble, no "Hey, your friend's sister, what's she like?" - when it became an actual girl/boyfriend thing, after six months, is when we added each other on Facebook, and found that a friend of mind is a friend of a friend of hers because of course they are.

There's a thing still where there isn't much social that's ours, it's me with her friends or her with mine, and we're both happy there, but it's still some friction in the velcro sense when we could just go hang out with each other instead.

(there's really no guaranteed route to finding yourself a life partner - drunken hook-ups can certainly be one, though, i think the most stable and long-term marriage i know started with a drunken hook-up - and you probably have to accept that on some level. i don't feel that hook-up culture "benefits no one" even if it doesn't lead anywhere.)

― lex pretend, Tuesday, 16 December 2014 10:09 (three years ago)

I'm suspect I know who this is, and one of the delights of the last few months was meeting them and introducing one of them to my girl - the slow socialising means that there's still more people to meet her and glow when they get on well. They thought the story of how we met was very romantic :)

*I mentioned this in another thread then thought it was more appropriate here, I'm not planning on spamming ILX with it.

hey congrats!!!

Belated congrats!

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Recently reentered the dating pool and so here is a list of things I have been finding deeply unattractive in Tinder matches:

• individuals who leave kisses in messages before the first date is even arranged

• individuals who mandate the height of their desired partner (even if 95% of the time I am above said threshold)

• no bio lines

• bio lines that actually tell you fuck all ("I love to laugh", "I like all music", yada yada)

• inability on their part to engage in dialogue (sometimes I feel I am constantly asking questions one way. I would understand if they just weren't that interested but the replies can be good and flirty but it still just feels like I am interrogating them while they learn nothing about me *shrug*)

I have actually, despite the above, had a couple "good" dates recently but without any proper connection and those are kind of the worst as at least with a bad date I know to not invest any further time. If you are listening Cupid, give me great dates or shit dates, ta.

As a vertically challenged person, the height requirement does change, but if that's what someone needs, it's best to be up front about it rather than waste time.

The one-way questions is a thing, and very annoying. If you are not interested in learning about a person or attempting a real conversation, why engage in the first place? I assume it just comes down to a lot of people not really having a strong grasp on conversation etiquette.

I have actually, despite the above, had a couple "good" dates recently but without any proper connection and those are kind of the worst as at least with a bad date I know to not invest any further time. If you are listening Cupid, give me great dates or shit dates, ta.

Endless first date purgatory is a thing I've experienced. To the point that I've wondered if I have a problem with genuinely connecting to new people.

what makes for a good bio line for tinder?

I suppose so, maybe I'm just assuming I wouldn't like someone that "needs" a tall person?

See I've been unable to tell if there's some sort of shitey dating mantra being used like "make them chase you/work for you". At least the poor conversation etiquette is a good filter for working out what conversations not to continue!

And Ryan - maybe it's a big problem for me because every good relationship I've had in the past is immediate spark and I haven't had to work for it but I can't tell if I am being (a) lazy (b) a silly romantic

congrats, andrew. i'm moving in with my gf that i met on tinder 5 months ago at the start of august. i was just out of a long relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious, she was the first person i matched with on tinder and the first and only person i went on a date with from the app (she was also in an open relationship with someone else when we met so i really wasn't expecting anything). so classic i guess.

I'm just assuming I wouldn't like someone that "needs" a tall person

That's totally understandable. There's tons of heuristics you can apply to these to help identify and avoid unpleasant people. My big one is to steer clear of anyone who claims to be "sapiosexual". I just immediately read that as "insufferable".

On my original foray into Tinder with my old flatmates we both concluded that a filter was an essential feature of a bio as it would do half the work for us by eliminating a lot of people we wouldn't want to date. For example, we concluded (perhaps incorrectly) that the mention of sushi in a bio would likely remove a lot of people that were less outgoing or less open to new experiences or promote the inverse and at the very least it sets you up for a good first date location. The downside is you actually remove people that might be perfect but just don't enjoy sushi. Bio writing is a weird, difficult science where you're not going to satisfy everyone - could i go the rest of my life without visiting a sushi restaurant with my partner though? Haha.

I have a reference to David Lynch in mine at the moment under the assumption (a) I will have a higher likelihood of liking people that enjoy or at least are aware of his films (b) I will have a higher likelihood of liking people who at least google him to discuss and aren't put off by his inclusion despite not knowing who he is, and (c) I would enjoy people that voice disagreement with me.

This might all be bollocks and I am overthinking as I swipe left and right in bed *shrug*. I'll be devastated if it is ever proven that "I love a good night in and a good night out" would have worked better for me.

OTM re: sapiosexual

It would be nice if you could mute words or phrases so you don't have to even see those profiles.

Yes! But I guess Tinder at least is making more money from making you swipe more / upgrade to premium etc.

sushi as a signifier is something I noticed! I've seen a few profiles that have a little list of emoji as interests including sushi, and a profile that had "sushi" listed under dislikes!

also re-installed this because I am like charlie brown with the football, and so far, biggest pet peeves include:

- people having a perfectly standard profile (i.e. not a kink profile) that all of a sudden mentions something sexual in a weird and offputting way (most recent: "every time I listen to Adele I want to go down on a woman.") or, to be honest, flirting in general on these things.

- dudes who make dealbreakers of things like instagram, emoji, smart phones (as opposed to whatever non-smartphone device they're using tinder on, I guess) because those things are just for dumb girls, right? (I'd be very curious to see if women do the same thing.)

- the fucking aziz ansari whole foods line still won't go away, same for the stupid polar bear icebreaker thing. or really, anything that sounds like a pickup line or flirting. I'm probably in the minority here but I don't want to mechanically flirt with complete strangers I've never spoken to or met in person. at best it's corny, offputting and false.

- the fact that three times out of four, I see someone I'm otherwise very compatible about and they're poly, which is perfectly fine, except that I'm not. maybe I should consider becoming poly since apparently that's my dating pool. (my cynical theory is that the majority of users, being monogamous, reflexively swipe no on them no matter what, thus tanking their rating and getting them shown to people like me)

- people who mention bitcoin/cryptocurrency. sharp uptick since the last time I tried this, and I'm not sure why now. (same cynical theory applies)

- people who ironically quote "grab her by the pussy," "I'm like a magnet, I immediately start kissing them," or anything else from the billy bush video

- people who namedrop literary critics in their initial messages. this has happened to me multiple times and it's always* like, to quote the author of the still-amazing zizek game article: “This is a bar,” I wanted to say, the same way that my grandmother might have said “This is a church.” A bar is not the appropriate venue for a loud, show-offy conversation about The Pervert’s Guide to Ideology." special mention goes to the person who mentioned Derrida and the person who copy-pasted a baudrillard quote and left in "all rights reserved" copyright line

* with the possible exception of Foucault and/or Freud, I'm sure that might work on the right person

(and yes, I have considered that the problem is me, pretty much continuously consider it)

friend of my gf saw "i don't use social media and no real man does" in a tinder bio recently

(on a straight man's profile obv)

so is his assistant using tinder for him or....

oh the other pet peeve is those video things people keep doing, but only because my phone takes forever to load them. hell, sometimes it takes like 5-10 minutes just to load a picture

I have a reference to David Lynch in mine at the moment under the assumption (a) I will have a higher likelihood of liking people that enjoy or at least are aware of his films (b) I will have a higher likelihood of liking people who at least google him to discuss and aren't put off by his inclusion despite not knowing who he is, and (c) I would enjoy people that voice disagreement with me.

brb, starting a dating profile just to put "KYLE MacLACHLAN WAS ROBBED" as my bio and see what rolls in

Allll the super likes

Been back on this after a hiatus, and as always, it is like a boot stomping on my self esteem. Weeks of swiping and no matches (and I live in a populous east coast city, not the middle of nowhere). I am wondering if I am just being too picky in my swipes or if I am really just that unappealing :(

Ugh. Hasn't dating technology progressed beyond Tinder yet?

never been on Tinder. Kind of curious to see what the fuss is about but also terrified someone I know might see me :-/

I mean if they see you, there are also there

*they

How many of these people who say "I love to laugh" actually love to laugh and how many are just saying it because it's such an incredible attractive thing to say

xxp people I know I have seen on tinder? we’ve either joked about it, ignored it completely (there is the possibility the other person never sees you if you swipe em left first), or ended up musing about it

mick, I honestly thought it was some woman-oriented media thing where “love to laugh”is a catchphrase with a deeper meaning related to a popular book or something. on its own it seems kind of odd, like “remember not to be a crushing bore if you message me”

Love to laugh is a no, but if someone put in their bio that they love to weep while they masturbate, that I could respect.

Also, I liked a lot of katherine's rules, and I said I don't like sapiosexuals, but I'll admit that I probably would be turned on by someone who namedropped critical theorists. Sue me.

(b) I will have a higher likelihood of liking people who at least google him to discuss and aren't put off by his inclusion despite not knowing who he is

― Minister of the Pillow (fionnland)

one of my shocking old age discoveries is how utterly incurious most people are. it's a small minority who are going to actually bother to google something they don't know.

I wouldn't call them "rules" necessarily, or even dealbreakers (well, the trump and bitcoin ones are), just peeves really

oh, another one: judging by tinder, the distribution of americans is roughly 90% dog people and 10% cat people. (and I'm in the 10%)

I'm having mostly a fun time with Tinder this time around by not trying to seem cool...

Like I'm ok with just seeming like a bimbo with crimped hair. Sadly I'm getting way more matches this way :/

feel like I should tweak the bad pet stereotypes people recycle and just change my bio to CAT COMPANION AND PROUD and put only pictures of me with the cat

The guy I'm dating said he liked that I didn't have pictures of me and a dog so this annoyance is far reaching

i only put pictures of myself and my cat and/or my former foster dog but that's because it's a true reflection of me in that i love animals and have an annoying cat

My girlfriend first wrote to me to ask about a cat in one of my pictures. Two years ago :)

Going back a bit but — i’m not in the dating pool though I’m interested in the way it’s changed since I was. I bowed out years before swipe culture! One consistent aspect I guess that remains is anyone who sets rules for what type of person they’ll date is someone I’d avoid (obv some rules are ok, if they’re along the lines of “don’t be racist or psychotic” and so on.)

this thread is unrelated but I cannot describe the mind-numbingness of the unfunny-jokey-flirtiness of so many people on this better than "Dane Cook flirting with his teenage girlfriend on Instagram"

“wyd”

oh just reading all the comments Dane Cook leaves on his 19-year-old girlfriend’s instagrams pic.twitter.com/ilBDMpXD4y

— Lara Parker (@laraeparker) July 12, 2018

i agree with omar little. i do not have anything about who i won't date in my profiles, what a turn off. be a little open minded, ya fools.

i often come across profiles that are like, rants about women and being basic, and using filters, and UGH, no.

ALSO, Tinder is way more legit these day than Okcupid. I get way more creeps on the latter!

the latter is all but useless lately after the change to messaging

it's sooooooo bad now

katherine why did you have to link that

why did I have to click it

ahhhhh

last weekend a friend was questioning my judgment about a mutual friend who is late-30s dating someone who is about 21, which I find not great overall

my explanation was "ok, think back to when we were 21. did you have the friend who was dating someone nearly 40? and how did that go in the long term and what did you, 21 year old, think about the dude your friend was dating?"

and the reaction was "oh, noooooo"