OK, is this the worst piece of music writing ever?

this was a real solid lol:

i'm sure the reason there are this many paragraphs is bc the space between each resembles the line of coke he did before writing it

― flamenco drop (BradNelson), Wednesday, March 28, 2018 12:28 PM (three hours ago)

I know this reads like … I mean it reads like bad writing, honestly, but it’s a real thing that really happened, I swear; it’s just that I don’t have better words.

The self-awareness makes it even more abysmal somehow.

it reads like bad writing

America's sudden favorite rapper, Cardi B, has built her body for optimal viewing at medium-to-long-distance range. This engineering foresight helps explain why, before she began making music history (a randomly chosen milestone from her tennis bracelet of success: she is the first rapper to have her first three Billboard Hot 100 entries in the Top 10 simultaneously), she was not just a successful stripper but a wildly successful one. The hills and slopes of her body are so captivating that you might not even notice the delicate beauty of her countenance until it's staring at you head-on from across a dimly lit restaurant booth while you wait to discover what it is that Cardi loves.

if you're gonna objectify, go big

'the hills and slopes of her body' jfc

i'd love for someone to write that about, say, tom chaplin from keane. or glenn danzig.

"wow, imagine saying that about a MAN" is one of the most useless criticisms in 2018 and also ever

This extract has a wonderful Alan-Partridge-writing-for-Huffington-Post feel to it.

it's not a criticism, it's an invitation to write clammy-palmed erotica in this style about don henley

Imagine if Obama had written that!

written by Caity Weaver

who is a woman, from what i can tell.

imagine if Don Henley had written that

GLENN: well, yeah

"wow, imagine saying that about a MAN" is one of the most useless criticisms in 2018 and also ever

ACTUALLY, it isn't. (see what i did there)

The hills and slopes of Jeff Tweedy's body are built for optimal viewing at long distances

Caity Weaver is great tbh

i like her writing a lot although i feel like music pieces in general-interest magazines always reveal editorial seams (knowledge limitations on parts of editors, higher-ups' desire to present their cultural remit in a certain way) and this suffered from that issue here and there. also the 'this woman EATS' trope is a bit overdone

i hate 100% of the scene-setting done in these interview pieces. "dafoe glides in, as smoothly as if his body were on gimbals, and the room is illuminated suddenly, like a large exotic bird has settled in to land, and we are its tree. cream-colored scarf, aviators, he has a discreet word with the head waiter and they share a small laugh. i've brought my digital recorder but, i think, nervously, beads of sweat breaking out on my upper lip, have i brought batteries?" etc

10,000+ words!

― Whiney G. Weingarten, Wednesday, March 28, 2018 1:27 PM (one week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

(not unlike Tyranny in that sense) xp

― Simon H., Wednesday, March 28, 2018 1:27 PM (one week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

i'm sure the reason there are this many paragraphs is bc the space between each resembles the line of coke he did before writing it

― flamenco drop (BradNelson), Wednesday, March 28, 2018 1:28 PM (one week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I probably shouldn't admit that that was actually one of the best pieces of writing I've come across this year, but what the hey

Also, though, I'm a big Voidz fan and a big Michael Nelson fan, so

lol you do you ray, i eventually felt mean ragging on it

I mean, it IS probably 400 words too long, and it's just really long and takes some time to get to its point. BUT: This piece is dead-on and satisfying. I get it, he's doing the 1997-2001 Might/MicSweeney's fake-out thing where he's smuggling 2-3 larger points under cover of "awkward writing" but I still this is is exceptional. I know the approach doesn't count for much in an era where there's so much writing available, and most of the articles this long are edited to the hilt New Yorker/Atlantic articles.

Eh, I'm just grousing. Clearly you guys had fun with this on some level :)

Nelson is a really good writer. I didn't say anything in the initial wave because I have a vested interest (he's my editor at Stereogum). And I didn't care much about that specific piece because I've only heard one Strokes song ever, never mind anything by any of the members in other contexts.

i also found that part of the cardi b piece (+ the others that suddenly reverted to similar comments) very uncomfortable, altho i enjoyed other parts of the profile

Bro, if you work for Stereogum there’s no way you’ve only heard one Strokes song ever. Come on.

yo is it true phil got broed by a wite kid after a stereogum beef??????

Bro, if you work for Stereogum there’s no way you’ve only heard one Strokes song ever. Come on.

I write their monthly jazz column, and the occasional anniversary piece on a metal album.

also the 'this woman EATS' trope is a bit overdone

― maura, Monday, April 9, 2018

hard to believe it's already been 8 whole years since TRUFFLE FRIES

Nelson is a really good writer

everything i've read by him needs at the very least two more passes from an editor. i also think he has nothing intelligent to say about metal

but ymmv

Thanks hip-hop writers from New York for your interest in Kacey Musgraves, but we’ve got this handled. Or as Kacey Musgraves would say, “Mind your own biscuits.”

xp he's good at writing about the music business, i find him lacking when he writes about the artform itself

I still think it’s funny that Michael Nelson called the band name Dog Shredder “gross and indefensible”

i think it was weird that, given his casually enthusiastic style, his pallbearer review was p much all comparisons to other records, which made it p impenetrable to someone not acquainted w a lot of the records mentioned, but also sort of meaningless even w the ones which which i was. like, if the progressions are so great, try to describe them? he mentions a chord change that struck him once and doesn't expand on it

tbf dog shredding is more gross and indefensible than most things

no way, a german shepherd busting out some sweet lightspeed yngwie licks on a neon-green flying v is cool as shit

bizarro is right as usual. Are we talking about dogs who play fast modal tapping solos on guitar? Or are we talking about dogs being thrus in Fargo-esque woodchippers?

participles are confusing

What if the shredder is a dog?

(...should’ve read the other replies first...)

bizarro is right as usual.

more of this from the rest of the board too pls

i like Nelson's stuff usually (a lot more than Brad, apparently) but again:

10,000+ words!

on the Strokes guy's not-the-Strokes new band!

serious question: is Nelson paid an annual salary by Stereogum? he's on there enough, i assume he's on staff.

and if so, did Scott, like, tell him he could take a week off of doing news updates or w/e and write that piece?

and if so, then I guess they think 10K words on the Voidz is clickworthy enough to go a man down on day-to-day stuff?

or am I way off base here and Nelson's a freelancer and he pitched a thousands-word-count story?

i'm never going to read the thing, but i am kinda interested in the economics and logistics behind it.

Michael Nelson is the managing editor, and he doesn't file that much copy in comparison to the others who are on staff. (I wish he'd do more on the music business - when he did that string of pieces on streaming in 2016-2017, he was knocking it out of the park every time.) Why do I know this? Because at this point, Stereogum is my favorite music site.

saving country music is a horrible blog

it really is.

xxpost thanks Raymond!

de nada, alpine static

The Saving Country Music guy is just Neill Jameson (Decibel's go-to essayist for incoherent anti-Antifa grumblings and other "defenses" of "keeping" "metal" "dangerous") in a cowboy hat.

So Tracey Thorn complained about a review on Twitter:

A 55 year old wife and mother. God the more I think about it the crosser I'm getting. 55 year old husband and father. I'm trying to imagine it as a description in an album review. Nope. Can't do it.

— Tracey Thorn (@tracey_thorn) April 13, 2018

And I figured it was probably just some random UK jagoff. Turns out it was King Jagoff, typing with his dick again:

Tracey Thorn: Record (Merge) Calm, deliberate, undemonstrative, Thorn is a singer some find magical and others prosaic. I've always tended other, but when a 55-year-old wife and mother claims she's recorded "nine feminist bangers," I pay attention.

Is this a "dog walking on its hind legs" situation for him? "She's old and married with a kid...but she says she's a feminist! This is a job for Christgau, The Dean of American Women's Studies Rock Critics!"

In four other songs, decent but fundamentally clueless guys mess with various women's lives, while two others evoke a motherhood you assume is autobiographical

Do you? I don't, any more than I assume George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher has really murdered all those people.