Sex Droughts

We went a calendar year without sex after our first child was born (she's a november baby) which I found pretty difficult to deal with. But she didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time for basically two years, so, there's that. Married 8 years now and sex is something that happens every few weeks or months. Child 2 arrived in February so I'm not even hoping for anything for another couple of months at the least. Just had a vasectomy and hope that removes a layer of anxiety and logistics which hampered sex sometimes before.

[moderator note: several posts in this thread have been deleted on user's request]

Ask T.S. Eliot and John Ruskin.

Depends how good the food is

That question needs a lot of context in order to be answered.
Is it sexless because there’s no physical attraction, one-sided or mutual? Is it due to trauma experienced by one partner? Are there still other forms of physical intimacy? Is it due to chronic health issues? Is it lack of communication? By “sexless”, do you mean absolutely zero sexual intimacy (kissing, touching, cuddling etc) or actual sex (anything to do with genitals)?

I could go the rest of my life without straight-up sex acts if I had to, but not without other kinds of physical intimacy at all.

<3 u buddy

If I were you I would try explaining it to her like much like you are here

Is there any potential option of opening things up?

there are lots of options and in-betweens, the only way to find something that might work is to start talking about it with her. worst thing you can do is not talk about it. use lots of "i feel x" statements.

I’m at about 7 years btw.

"we have sex from time to time" is a reasonable expectation in marriage. couples therapy, which don't get me wrong sounds scary to me, is what I think most people would recommend. you are not being unkind or selfish to say "I don't want to just never have sex with anybody" -- be kind to yourself about this.

Agree with map - this something you have to talk all the way through.

If couples therapy isn’t realistic right now (money etc) there are two things I’d suggest that might at least open up a very honest line of communication:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It’s about helping you kinda figured out how your own sexuality/sensuality works.

Where Should We Begin? a podcast by Esther Perel. It’s real life counseling sessions she has with couples - not regular clients, but one-time sessions. They’re not all about sex but she’s incredibly insightful and I’ve learnt a lot listening to these episodes.

Menopause can be so long and so excruciating for some women - I’m so sorry she’s had to suffer through it. But it’s ok that you’re sad too.

My husband and I and have just come out of an extended almost-drought too. I was really depressed for like 3 yrs - I couldn’t get out of bed. But it was a mental and physical depression, not emotional, and my libido was still working. We still cuddled and had that kind of physical intimacy but for him, he was my caretaker and he couldn’t switch off from that to get in the mindset of being my sexual partner. We moved across the country in March, and while I’m still quite depressed, there has been improvement, and now he doesn’t feel like he’s my caretaker.

That’s kinda unfair on you - 7 yrs without sexual intimacy IS a big deal. As for it being a way of deflecting from other things you have going on, sex can be an escape and not in a bad way. That’s why my libido isn’t usually affected by even severe anxiety or depression.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired by your partner. It’s more important to some of us than others. If sex is one of the ways you are able to feel emotionally connected to your partner, it’s ok for you to want to talk about ways that can be fulfilled, outside of actual sex. Like, there are ways to engage one partner’s sexuality without engaging the other’s, and I don’t just mean jerking off your partner; massage or any kind of intimate touch, where you show attention to your partner physically. My husband would brush my hair for me a lot, during our drought.

Still dry since Obama's first term.

Though now it's mostly I'm repulsed by the idea. My GF in 2019 couldn't figure out why we hadn't fucked. She was dating a guy with many intimacy hang-ups, that's why.

Also I agree with just1n3, ian. It's really not unfair to want some form of intimacy like that and to talk about it

Damn ian I am sorry, and same goes for everyone else struggling with this. I have a friend in a similar situation (7 years) … not a euphemism, it is someone else, not me.

Basically for him and his wife it’s been since their kid was born and she has lost interest, though apparently some of it is body image issues.

But it is something that seems to create other stresses and resentments … and it’s worth addressing the thing rather than other things that stand in for the thing

But it’s scary! Like if you otherwise really care about your partner and don’t want this to lead to a divorce! I went through periods with my ex when I felt like garbage and wasn’t interested but I had the traditional mindset of “if you don’t put out, he will find someone else who will.” So there were times when I wasn’t into it at first and then was good and other times I totally faked it (easier as a person without a dick) because I cared about him and wanted to make him happy… like I feel like it’s kinda part of the monogamous contract? Idk

Expressing that you have big feelings about something and then being told those feelings are wrong or you’re exaggerating or they’re not important - of course that’s hurtful. And it’s another way you don’t feel connected. It sounds like it’s her defense mechanism to respond that way because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Is that because she genuinely feels pressured or is it something else? Either way, you guys have to talk about because it’s only gonna turn into growing resentment on both sides and that will sour the parts of your relationship that are good.

aside from cosigning all the above id need to underline that there's nothing reasonable nor understandable about "we aren't having sex and we're not discussing it" and i accept 100% that nothing in any relationship occurs in a vacuum but that's just not a position anyone can take while deflecting blame for raising it on the other person

yes. i wrote something earlier to the effect that 'you need out of this and to help matters it seems to have already become just a friendship', but deleted it because that's too abrupt and callous and i don't know either of you really, but if the suggested steps don't pay off then you've got to be good to yourself, no matter how heartwrenchingly difficult that sounds

it doesn't need to be that but this is not one of those things one person in a relationship gets to decide and there is no real way to avoid that imo. its a long struggle to keep something like this as as something that needs attention and effort and thought and care but ime its no different to lots of aspects similarly critical to a good relationship there, we just get funny about arguing/talking about it because it's sex and even the non catholics get vulnerable and weird about saying i need/i cant to the other in this realm

Ian I actually wasn't being glib, sorry if it came off that way.
I don't want to talk about it in a public forum though, I'll email you if yr ILX email works.

If your wife is taking an SSRI for depression, adding in Wellbutrin/bupropion can help with libido.

this is not one of those things one person in a relationship gets to decide

I'm assuming you mean that "the relationship continuing without sex" is not what one person gets to decide, right? Because not having sex absolutely IS something that one person gets to decide. Nobody is owed sex, regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not. However, the party who does want it has the right to decide whether or not that's a deal-breaker.

I guess the big question is whether she wants to overcome the sex drought or not. And by that, I don't mean if she's willing to put out to please you, but if she wants to work on the mental/physical issues that are in place. It's working out not whether she wants sex, but whether she wants to want sex, if that makes sense? That could take a long time and be a cause of a lot of shame and stress in itself (it feels shameful to not want sex with your partner, it really does) so I understand the desire to enter avoidance mode, but if it is an issue for you then it needs to be addressed no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Just1n3 has been way more OTM on this thread than I could hope to be, so listen to her.

I agree that nobody owes sex to anyone else but am I wrong in thinking that refusing to have sex with your partner for an extended period of time while also expecting them to stay in a monogamous relationship with you is abusive in its own way? Like if something happened to me where my libido was just zero for a year-plus I feel like I'd have to at least give my wife the option of opening things up.

I mean, or not, if you know you're the sort of person who couldn't handle that and the relationship wouldn't recover.

yes emil.y hope that was clear but no harm at all spelling it out

Depends on the relationship, depends on the people in the relationship, depends on the reason for lack of sex, depends on the communication and boundaries of the people within the relationship. I can see situations where it could be used as a form of abusive control, I can see plenty of situations where it's not even close.

Also, while 7 years is a very long time, a single year? If you were physically unable to have sex with your wife for one year you'd be fine with her having sex with other people? I mean, that mostly sounds like you'd be fine with having an open relationship in general, which is cool, but a lot of people aren't really up for open relationships.

that's all an xp to frogs

darragh - I figured you didn't mean it the other way but it definitely could have read like that!

Maybe just delete the whole revive, lol

ok yeah I suppose it all depends a lot on the exact situation. idk if I'm a guy who's fine with an open relationship as much as I'm the guy who just says he'd be totally cool with it :)

If you were physically unable to have sex with your wife for one year you'd be fine with her having sex with other people? I mean, that mostly sounds like you'd be fine with having an open relationship in genera

uh, a year is a long time to go without, assuming you are cohabiting ... though, it definitely feels like in this thread there is a broad variety of what constitutes "a long time" ... so I think we are back to the "it depends on the people" metric

the 1 year itch idk seems pretty fuckin hasty to me anyway

Sex drought, isn't it nice, ih wait no never mind

― a black white asian pine ghost who is fake (Telephone thing), Tuesday, September 21, 2010 5:39 PM (twelve years ago) bookmarkflaglink

lol - sex dwarf was the song it called to my mind

― sarahel, Tuesday, September 21, 2010