Why do people leave ILX for good?

lop off the rest of the sentence then and i still think it's true!

like, if I did upset anybody I am sorry (I know "I'm sorry if I upset you" is considered shitty but in this case I genuinely do not know whether people are upset with me, who is and is not upset with me, and for what reason). it was not my intention at all, and I realize that "it was not my intention" is meaningless, but I'm sorry

I'd say to walk away. and I say this as someone who's been irritated by a couple work meetings with someone I am sure is acting in bad faith, but I just mentioned my feedback to the right people and I'm gonna forget about it because there's literally nothing I can do and no real effect on the rest of my work

it's the churn that looks bad, never engage with people making bad faith arguments and have faith in the people who aren't acting in bad faith. it's wrestling a pig, you're just going to end up looking silly and get covered in mud

Looking for bingeworthy shows to enjoy during my now-mandatory one-month ILX vacation, recommendations plz.

ilx the movie

I guess I just don't understand why I'm the person who's most at fault here

Supergirl

xp

im getting flashbacks here

I don't know what that means.

you’re not at fault at all but right now it’s like picking at a wound, you gotta let it crust over imo

but it would be better not to have the wound in the first place, and I don't understand how or why it happened

Maybe we should go over it

look, I'm sorry, OK?

xxxp you know sometimes even an unrelated post gives me PTSD to very old ilx posts that haunt my thoughts

I'm sorry. I don't know what posts you mean, but whatever they are, I'm sorry.

i almost left this joint once after a sub-board mod implied that they'd creeped on me and used my ILX login email address to find me on other websites.

I'm really sorry that happened to you

you dont appear to have done anything to be sorry about katherine!

i would just ignore any discussion of it from this point forward

i would doubt that any irl consequences follow from a posting of any of yr thoughts on a band but i defer to your judgement here tbh

you seem very well-thought of across the boards here and this spat is not goin to have changed that for 99% of posters if have thought?

there is certainly nothing to tale note of in deej or others disagreeing with an opinion of anybodys, whether they do so in stronger terms than one would wish is certainly par for the course

eesh sorry to hear about that omar

i was a bit...

https://i.imgur.com/PKhaoSw.gif

...for the rest of the day after that.

but i did stick around in the end for some reason i haven't figured out yet.

xp-

you seem very well-thought of across the boards here and this spat is not goin to have changed that for 99% of posters if have thought?

but the evidence would seem to suggest the opposite. it very much seems plausible -- more plausible than the opposite -- that at least five to eight people are angry with me or think less of me or have problems with me or however you want to phrase it. (and again, that's just including people who post -- who knows how many people are reading or being told about it. there were a few things I saw that plausibly seemed like they could be subtweets.) like, the post I quoted above -- in what universe would someone read that and think that the person is OK with me? if you showed that to someone, with zero context, would the takeaway be "very well-thought of"?

like, I already worry tremendously about where I stand with basically everyone I encounter in my life, and historically have been blindsided to find out people have a problem with me when I had no idea. (this isn't always the case, of course, sometimes it's very clear that someone dislikes me. but there are few feelings shittier than learning that someone you thought was OK with you has not been OK with you for some time, and it happens a lot).

i think that you are reading far more into a very ordinary-seeming ilx discussion than might be wise

i dont say that to minimise in any way how you're feeling about it but genuinely this does not seem worth that level of thought, introspection or connection with any previous events

nb 5 to 8 ppl angry with me (and i think you may even be overestimating the numbers and the strength of feeling here) is what id call a p chill day ymmv

I don't understand how things like "it is only the repercussions of your protracted shitfit" and "Christ alive be more dramatic" are meant to be read and not conclude that I have done something wrong in that person's eyes

ok

I think in those cases it's less that you did anything wrong and more a matter of, I dunno, that person's poor upbringing or something.

I would suspect they would disagree that it is "their poor upbringing or something"

Their disagreement doesn't make it any less their problem, imo. The internet world is replete with people who can't accept that they don't know how to talk to other people like people.

Katherine, you sounded annoyed, initially, in that thread, but it now seems like you might be having a panic or anxiety attack which is causing you to over-emphasize what was said about you and the consequences and you’re starting to spiral pretty badly. I’m not saying this to belittle you, it just looks a lot like what I’ve seen in someone having severe anxiety. People piling on the discussion aren’t helping you disengage.

Is it possible a mod could just delete the initial quote-post and all posts referencing it in that 1975 thread?

one of the best things i learned from ilx was that not everyone was going to like me. real life was too polite for me to notice that. respectfully i don’t think it matters to your life—and definitely not to your career—if some people disapprove of something you’ve said, even if they’re fellow music critics

and like, with wins -- I apologize to single him(?) out, that was just one of the more recent examples -- I had no fucking idea he(?) thought I was doing something wrong! zero, none. it completely blindsided me to read that. not to mention, I also have no idea who he(?) is (or what gender, sorry if I'm misgendering) in real life, so now every time I encounter someone in a setting where music writers or people who know music writers are, I have to worry whether this is the person who said that about me. or when I encounter people I do know, I have to worry whether they a) were ever or b) still are upset about this.

of course, this already happens to some extent when I meet people who listen to/read about music in real life, and constantly worry whether they've been saying shitty things about me online or to their friends or whatever. it's just in this case, I have a specific thing to tie it to.

we live in a shit talking era though and everyone—especially writers—are in the same boat. wins will need to worry if he met you if you’re the person he said the bad thing about and whether you have something against him. Curs both ways. You’re not on trial

Not to minimize what you’re feeling, just don’t put this mu h stock in the opinions of others, especially when they’re not even being that careful with what they’re saying

just1n3 otm

I think there are posters that don't know how to state differences of opinion in a non-combative way. That's complicated by the fact that there's lots of people on here who have seen particular posters take an unnecessarily combative approach in a million different threads over the years. So when you get hurt by this, a lot of people may be noting that those posters have addressed many, many people on this forum in the same way, which makes it seem less like an attack specifically on you, and more of a case of posters who just constantly get lots of people's backs up.

but that is exactly the answer to the title of this thread, which is what I said in the first place

I'm not disagreeing, just pointing out that a poster's abrasive style may not be about attacking you in particular.

xp -- deleting the initial quote-post isn't going to do anything. the review in question has been deleted for like... 15 hours at this point? and it didn't stop the discussion, though I had hoped it would.

I sympathize with worrying about what people think of you and the indirect repercussions. But when you post here enough, people are going to start forming opinions of your opinions. There’s nothing that can be done to stop that (nor should there be, imo). You probably have opinions about their opinions, right?

in my experience, being criticized on ILX went from “why does poster X focus on criticizing me so much, I don’t even know them!” to “wow, poster X is a pathetic asshole”. Neither stance changes what they do, but the latter option is a lot easier to deal with.

Hi Katherine, no need to worry about me, I’m just some rando from the uk with no connection to the music journalism industry. I just meant to say that if anyone’s exasperated it will be nothing to do with the 1975 or Kevin’s offhand use of the t word and everything to do with the proceeding posts - I also think “exasperated” doesn’t at all equate to having a problem with you in general and I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with a milder synonym for “protracted shitfit”. Sorry for driveby, I’ll keep out of this from now.

You probably have opinions about their opinions, right?

I do not think anyone is "a pathetic asshole" based on posts on this board.

K i haven't had the same issues but i tend to be similarly sensitive to an extent at least in terms of when people take swipes at me for what seems like no reason. this might sound ridiculous but i had an ILXor i won't name dismiss me as (iirc) an uncool rich dude from Brentwood once, which i couldn't figure out because i'm not rich (we do okay but it's a constant struggle, mostly due to extended family issues) and i don't live in Brentwood, but it still bothered me bc it felt like an arbitrary attack for zero reason. And it happened at a very bad time, like the day after some extremely shitty news. so even that dumb comment bothered me.

So i guess what i'm saying is i do understand why you'd react a certain way to what others might think is something fairly innocuous. we're all different people. that probably doesn't help, idk.

omar and karl otm. probably most people here at some point freaked out because of something callous someone said on ilx. no one thinks it's weird that you're upset or whatever. not sure if any of this is helpful at all -- probably isn't

xp -- it's also not about the specific wording but the sentiment behind it.

like, with the trolling thing, it's not about the word "troll" and it's not some kind of euphemism treadmill censorship thing, it's the fact I'm horrified that I did something to make people think I just want to upset people and am not to be taken seriously, confused about how that happened based on something I posted on a different website, and worried because now I have to mentally account for that person having a problem with me, until/unless they say which is generally not a thing people do, and frustrated that this happened because of an opinion about a song I dislike. and the only solution I see seems to be to force myself to listen to or say nice things about a song I dislike.

*until/unless they say otherwise.

in an ideal social world it would be very obvious at all times who is upset with whom, but we don't live in that world.

I’m not upset at you

Defensive about the sea lioning thing but not mad

omar and karl otm. probably most people here at some point freaked out because of something callous someone said on ilx. no one thinks it's weird that you're upset or whatever. not sure if any of this is helpful at all -- probably isn't

― Trϵϵship, Friday, August 17, 2018 1:09 PM (nine minutes ago)

ehh, I got borderline doxxed by a prominent and beloved ILXor (now long gone)

the only solution I see seems to be to force myself to listen to or say nice things about a song I dislike.

Or to not give a fuck about any of this shit. Life's too short etc etc. You seem like a good egg and I'm just piping in cause I don't like seeing kind people beat themselves up over totally unimportant msg board nonsense.

hmm I think I remember that. If it’s what you’re talking about it was exceptionally shitty.