Why do people leave ILX for good?

I think there are posters that don't know how to state differences of opinion in a non-combative way. That's complicated by the fact that there's lots of people on here who have seen particular posters take an unnecessarily combative approach in a million different threads over the years. So when you get hurt by this, a lot of people may be noting that those posters have addressed many, many people on this forum in the same way, which makes it seem less like an attack specifically on you, and more of a case of posters who just constantly get lots of people's backs up.

but that is exactly the answer to the title of this thread, which is what I said in the first place

I'm not disagreeing, just pointing out that a poster's abrasive style may not be about attacking you in particular.

xp -- deleting the initial quote-post isn't going to do anything. the review in question has been deleted for like... 15 hours at this point? and it didn't stop the discussion, though I had hoped it would.

I sympathize with worrying about what people think of you and the indirect repercussions. But when you post here enough, people are going to start forming opinions of your opinions. There’s nothing that can be done to stop that (nor should there be, imo). You probably have opinions about their opinions, right?

in my experience, being criticized on ILX went from “why does poster X focus on criticizing me so much, I don’t even know them!” to “wow, poster X is a pathetic asshole”. Neither stance changes what they do, but the latter option is a lot easier to deal with.

Hi Katherine, no need to worry about me, I’m just some rando from the uk with no connection to the music journalism industry. I just meant to say that if anyone’s exasperated it will be nothing to do with the 1975 or Kevin’s offhand use of the t word and everything to do with the proceeding posts - I also think “exasperated” doesn’t at all equate to having a problem with you in general and I’m sorry I couldn’t come up with a milder synonym for “protracted shitfit”. Sorry for driveby, I’ll keep out of this from now.

You probably have opinions about their opinions, right?

I do not think anyone is "a pathetic asshole" based on posts on this board.

K i haven't had the same issues but i tend to be similarly sensitive to an extent at least in terms of when people take swipes at me for what seems like no reason. this might sound ridiculous but i had an ILXor i won't name dismiss me as (iirc) an uncool rich dude from Brentwood once, which i couldn't figure out because i'm not rich (we do okay but it's a constant struggle, mostly due to extended family issues) and i don't live in Brentwood, but it still bothered me bc it felt like an arbitrary attack for zero reason. And it happened at a very bad time, like the day after some extremely shitty news. so even that dumb comment bothered me.

So i guess what i'm saying is i do understand why you'd react a certain way to what others might think is something fairly innocuous. we're all different people. that probably doesn't help, idk.

omar and karl otm. probably most people here at some point freaked out because of something callous someone said on ilx. no one thinks it's weird that you're upset or whatever. not sure if any of this is helpful at all -- probably isn't

xp -- it's also not about the specific wording but the sentiment behind it.

like, with the trolling thing, it's not about the word "troll" and it's not some kind of euphemism treadmill censorship thing, it's the fact I'm horrified that I did something to make people think I just want to upset people and am not to be taken seriously, confused about how that happened based on something I posted on a different website, and worried because now I have to mentally account for that person having a problem with me, until/unless they say which is generally not a thing people do, and frustrated that this happened because of an opinion about a song I dislike. and the only solution I see seems to be to force myself to listen to or say nice things about a song I dislike.

*until/unless they say otherwise.

in an ideal social world it would be very obvious at all times who is upset with whom, but we don't live in that world.

I’m not upset at you

Defensive about the sea lioning thing but not mad

omar and karl otm. probably most people here at some point freaked out because of something callous someone said on ilx. no one thinks it's weird that you're upset or whatever. not sure if any of this is helpful at all -- probably isn't

― Trϵϵship, Friday, August 17, 2018 1:09 PM (nine minutes ago)

ehh, I got borderline doxxed by a prominent and beloved ILXor (now long gone)

the only solution I see seems to be to force myself to listen to or say nice things about a song I dislike.

Or to not give a fuck about any of this shit. Life's too short etc etc. You seem like a good egg and I'm just piping in cause I don't like seeing kind people beat themselves up over totally unimportant msg board nonsense.

hmm I think I remember that. If it’s what you’re talking about it was exceptionally shitty.

but I do care about it, I care even more when it's people I know, and I definitely care when it's people I work with. telling someone not to care about something has never caused them to stop caring about it. if anything people in the world need to care about things more, not less

i think that that should not and does not apply to *everything*

but it does and should apply to people someone interacts with on a regular basis.

ok but I'm saying this is def not one of those things that should be cared about. what have you gained from caring about it? what CAN be gained? I'd just log off, go for a walk outside, get some perspective. I'm sorry if this sounds condescending...like I said, just hate seeing someone stress out over something like this.

I don't get to pick and choose what I care about, and I also don't get to pick and choose when people decide to start an unwanted argument with me apparently

I’m mostly a lurker but katherine you seem like a smart and thoughtful person, I think you’re mistaken about the likelihood of people classifying you as “bad person/person I’m permanently mad at” based on disagreement over a song. Me thinking that you’re taking dismissive comments and rude disagreements a bit too much to heart doesn’t mean that I think less of you as a person or writer or that I wouldn’t do the same thing if I ever produced anything worth reading.

"you cannot control what happens in life, but you can control how you respond"
you can also very easily just...log off. go engage in something else.
ok I'm done with the advice, seems like you're determined to keep wallowing.

fwiw, I think you can (and should) care about presenting yourself in the best light possible online –– which you clearly do, and with aplomb. And it's irritating when somebody misattributes your words, or perceives/paints you in a negative light. BUT you can't help the way internet weirdos think about you. There is, and always has been, a contingent of cynical, hard-nosed, merciless ilx/ilm folks who like to score points off others, or advance their own agenda on a hill of previous posts. there's nothing you can do if you wander into their crosshairs, and all you can do is duck/cover. good luck!

xp some of these people are known bomb throwers who are guaranteed to say things in the future that will upset you if you let it. i am with granny dainger -- i don't think it's a good idea to hinge whether you have a good day based on what other people may or may not think unless they are like, family members or close friends

Granny Dainger otm. If you are feeling overly-affected by ILX drama, one of the best things you can do is walk away from it for a while. Staring at all of these words can be counterproductive wrt perspectival realignment, I find.

the people I'm worried about aren't "known bomb throwers," and if they are, I don't understand why I'm the person being told what to do and not them.

like, I don't understand how the takeaway is "you should not care when people throw bombs at you" and not "you should not throw bombs at people"

otm

i mean, i told deej that the way he brought up the blurb was bad

others did too i think. he also gets yelled at like 400 times a day by different people for different reasons

because it's easier for you to stop caring then for them to stop throwing bombs. I mean of course they are the ones who should change their behavior...but while we're waiting on that happening, why not try to find a way to defuse the bombs.

you cant control the discussion on that thread or any thread even if you have written an item that prompted discussion there

you may have some limited control through modding around what ppl post about you, obv this is hazy and if the inference us "does a music writer have control over discussion of their writing on ilm" i think the answer there is a clear 'no'. and i dont think this is in any way the same thing as bringing posters celebrity or personal lives into ilx discussion.

you can engage with the discussion and make yr point or you can disengage

i think thats about it for constructive options

I'm not going to stop caring about whether people are upset with me. there are words for people who don't care whether they upset, harm, inconvenience, exasperate, etc. other people, and those words include "asshole" and "sociopath"

Stripped down and simply put, we only have control over ourselves and our own actions. Take care of yourself first and worry about the external 'shoulds' later.

(that was not directed at anybody in particular, just the general concept of someone who doesn't care whether they upset people)

This sure is a lot to come out of Soto's pathological habit of linking his every offsite thought to ILX

haha

xp you did not upset anyone

I think that ppl trying to advise you itt because you seem to be taking more from this than is wise should not be mistaken for ppl who agree that you should have control over what ppl say to you on ilm

there's a LOT of space in between sociopath and extremely thin-skinned. At the risk of making you even more upset and self-critical than you are already, I'd say you could stand to swing away from the thin-skinned end of the spectrum. It's good to care, it's good to consider how you're affecting other people and how they view you. But too much of a good thing...

also everyone on that thread is like 30 or something they can stand to hear someone saying something critical about a thing they like

treeship u have no concept of 30 u whippersnapper

also everyone on that thread is like 30 or something they can stand to hear someone saying something critical about a thing they like

but... doesn't that... go both ways

I don't understand what you mean but I value your opinion and am truly sorry if I upset you over this

i mean, saying the lyrics of a song are shallow is different than telling a poster that they, personally, are a troll

xp

not that calling someone a troll is truly *that* out of line, but it bothered katherine, and it was a kind of sideswipping kind of way to deal with someone's commentary

I mean if we're being really honest I'm more concerned with my stance on the song being "insane"

This sure is a lot to come out of Soto's pathological habit of linking his every offsite thought to ILX

― 5th Ward Weeaboo (Whiney G. Weingarten)

I have some thoughts on the matter.