Are You Fine?

Every so often of late, I whip up this fantasy in my mind where I just get rid of everything I own and quit my job and I spend whatever little money I have on a plane ticket to a third world country and devote myself to serving the underprivileged like I'm Mother Teresa, only I know that a little ways into doing this thing I will suddenly come to my senses and realize what a privileged Westerner I am and how huge a mistake I've made, oh god I'm not Mother Teresa what was I even thinking. And then I will just be there with all of these starving kids who are expecting things of me that I now recognize I'm not capable of giving and I'll feel like that awkward guy at the party who thought he was going to meet the friend of a friend of a friend who never actually showed up but this guy just keeps hanging out where he doesn't belong and being awkward and making everyone else feel awkward and I'll occasionally try to make conversation with one of the kids but he's too busy starving to care about making me feel better but what else am I going to do really.

That doesn't seem fine to me.

I'm fine, guys, don't worry. I'm fine. Really.

When I was 9, I learned survival. Taught myself not to care.

I have not been fine at any point since birth really

Don't you worry 'bout me, I wouldn't worry about me

Medium-fine. Better than some other times. I'm not pointlessly catastrophizing on some baseless worry or another, which in itself is a relief. I'm being somewhat productive.

I have a very sheltered, lucky position right now, as stressful as it sometimes is, in that I get to work with frontline people--immigrants, English learners, at-risk kids, families in poverty, shelters/temp housing situations--who are most dangerously affected by our fucked up world, but I also have a delineated set of obligations to them, like, I'm not directly responsible for finding so-and-so a place to sleep tonight (usually).

So when things in the news are bleak, I know that I'm going to spend my day getting kids free glasses, or free lawyers, or nutrition assistance, or enrolling their parents into English classes to get a more valuable next job, and so on. And yet I don't have people in states of free-fall on my doorstep that I have to turn away so I can go home at night, which is how I imagine it feels to work in the shelter system or with any at-risk group p much.

i just read a passage in chekhov's gooseberries that kind of touches on what it means to feel fine. might as well post it on the internet!!!!

"I saw a happy man whose cherished dream was so obviously fulfilled, who had attained his object in life, who had gained what he wanted, who was satisfied with his fate and himself. There is always, for some reason, an element of sadness mingled with my thoughts of human happiness, and, on this occasion, at the sight of a happy man I was overcome by an oppressive feeling that was close upon despair. It was particularly oppressive at night. A bed was made up for me in the room next to my brother's bedroom, and I could hear that he was awake, and that he kept getting up and going to the plate of gooseberries and taking one. I reflected how many satisfied, happy people there really are! 'What a suffocating force it is! You look at life: the insolence and idleness of the strong, the ignorance and brutishness of the weak, incredible poverty all about us, overcrowding, degeneration, drunkenness, hypocrisy, lying. . . . Yet all is calm and stillness in the houses and in the streets; of the fifty thousand living in a town, there is not one who would cry out, who would give vent to his indignation aloud. We see the people going to market for provisions, eating by day, sleeping by night, talking their silly nonsense, getting married, growing old, serenely escorting their dead to the cemetery; but we do not see and we do not hear those who suffer, and what is terrible in life goes on somewhere behind the scenes. . . . Everything is quiet and peaceful, and nothing protests but mute statistics: so many people gone out of their minds, so many gallons of vodka drunk, so many children dead from malnutrition. . . . And this order of things is evidently necessary; evidently the happy man only feels at ease because the unhappy bear their burdens in silence, and without that silence happiness would be impossible. It's a case of general hypnotism. There ought to be behind the door of every happy, contented man some one standing with a hammer continually reminding him with a tap that there are unhappy people; that however happy he may be, life will show him her laws sooner or later, trouble will come for him -- disease, poverty, losses, and no one will see or hear, just as now he neither sees nor hears others. But there is no man with a hammer; the happy man lives at his ease, and trivial daily cares faintly agitate him like the wind in the aspen-tree -- and all goes well.

"That night I realized that I, too, was happy and contented," Ivan Ivanovitch went on, getting up. "I, too, at dinner and at the hunt liked to lay down the law on life and religion, and the way to manage the peasantry. I, too, used to say that science was light, that culture was essential, but for the simple people reading and writing was enough for the time. Freedom is a blessing, I used to say; we can no more do without it than without air, but we must wait a little. Yes, I used to talk like that, and now I ask, 'For what reason are we to wait?' " asked Ivan Ivanovitch, looking angrily at Burkin. "Why wait, I ask you? What grounds have we for waiting? I shall be told, it can't be done all at once; every idea takes shape in life gradually, in its due time. But who is it says that? Where is the proof that it's right? You will fall back upon the natural order of things, the uniformity of phenomena; but is there order and uniformity in the fact that I, a living, thinking man, stand over a chasm and wait for it to close of itself, or to fill up with mud at the very time when perhaps I might leap over it or build a bridge across it? And again, wait for the sake of what? Wait till there's no strength to live? And meanwhile one must live, and one wants to live!

"I went away from my brother's early in the morning, and ever since then it has been unbearable for me to be in town. I am oppressed by its peace and quiet; I am afraid to look at the windows, for there is no spectacle more painful to me now than the sight of a happy family sitting round the table drinking tea. I am old and am not fit for the struggle; I am not even capable of hatred; I can only grieve inwardly, feel irritated and vexed; but at night my head is hot from the rush of ideas, and I cannot sleep. . . . Ah, if I were young!"

Ivan Ivanovitch walked backwards and forwards in excitement, and repeated: "If I were young!"

I mean, I'm sitting here in a deluxe office building in the sky, sippin' some coffee and noddin' my head to a little Alice Coltrate while I simultaneously hold down a job and post on a message board, the sun is shining, the birds are presumably singing although I can't hear to confirm, I'm fed and clothed and bathed and have a home to return to after I punch out at the end of a long day. My life is positively paradisal in comparison to millions of other people who've existed throughout history. How could I not be fine? How am I not fine? What is wrong with me that I'm not fine? So many questions, so few answers. But it's fine, really. Look at me. Don't I look fine? Okay, forget how I look. I'm telling you: I'm fiiiiiiiiiiiine.

I don't know who Alice Coltrate is.

but the primary reason I am not fine is that at a certain point in the past decade (I'm not sure when exactly the point happened, or if it was a single point at all; there were certainly areas of concentration) I passed the point where I could no longer succeed in life and would now be a failure permanently, and there are so many decades to endure in that state that I would prefer not to. this is not the same thing as being suicidal -- I just want to stress that up front -- just an acknowledgement that for the next several decades there is nothing there for me.

there's also a generational counterpart to it as well, in that my generation has been derailed to the point of permanent failure. and there is no path in sight to un-derailment, no matter how many republicans crow about how the economy is great now (it is not great now).

That is a wonderful Chekhov passage, KM.

I guess one way to explain things is that I always carry a hammer and I compulsively strike it against my head a few times a day. On a certain level it makes me feel un-fine but on another level I think it's probably a sign that I'm more fine than I'd like to admit.

like this is the millennial cliche or whatever but there is something deeply existentially depressing about the fact that I'll most likely never be able to live by myself, let alone own a house or have children or any of the baseline milestone markers of non-failure that were instilled in me

Those things are true and will probably continue to be true for me except that I'm like a generation older than the millennial generation. But it's fine. I'm fine. This is all very fine, indeed.

It's kinda cool how people's expectations tend to slough off after a point. Like I can't even remember the last time my mom made an oblique reference to any theoretical kids that I will almost certainly not be fathering at this late stage. It's fine!

I didn't really turn "fine" until I learned how to accept that I was highly imperfect and I'll stay that way no matter what. Just getting through the day without major mishaps is as high as my ambition reaches these days.

I don't know who Alice Coltrate is.

The Yoko Oto of Jazz iirc

It's kinda cool how people's expectations tend to slough off after a point.

the entire problem is that mine don't

yeah, same

I have this high level of anxiety that keeps me motivated and working on projects and thinking, hey, I could still achieve one or more of those lofty dreams I have, sure, why not, but at the same time I have gotten much better at accepting that maybe I will actually just wind up continuing to work a series of boring jobs until I retire with nowhere near enough money to live off of. And that's fine.

Like my wants aren't quite so driven by expectation anymore.

"Don't worry about me. Are you okay?"

All. The. Time.

― I Never Promised You A Hose Harden (Eric H.)

This is the correct answer, because you are other people.

Anyone trying to tell you you're your own person is probably trying to sell you something.

I am finally fine after the worst 8 month period of my life. But I'm now at peace, can breathe, feels good

This is the correct answer, because you are other people.

you think you're you. you don't know who you are. you're not you. you're everyone else

<3 rvw

best to you BN, you are a great presence here

everyone posting itt is a great presence, i guess all of the shitheads are fine lol

Had a very tough year work-wise where I definitely wasn't fine for about 6 months or so, but somehow coped with it. Mainly by just keeping going without self-destructing or giving up - and I sought outside help.

As a result, I'm more confident now in my ability to deal with things when I'm not fine.

I sought outside help

i def need to do this even though i can't really afford to

F.I.N.E. / Aerosmith

Hot wax drippin'
Honey what do you say
I got a brand new record
That I gotta play
She says not now boy
But I did anyway
'Cause I'm ready, so ready
Lip smackin' paddy wackin'
Walkin' the street
I got a rag top chevy
Now I'm back on my feet
I get an EMHO woody
When I sit in the seat
'Cause I'm ready, so ready, yeah
I got a girlfriend with the hoochy-coochy eyes
'Cause in the pink she look so fine
She got the cracker jack now all I wants the prize, honey heh heh heh
I know these hookers down on forty-second street, but
Ill-gotten booty's not my style
I'll take a rain check 'til I get back on my feet, honey heh heh yeah
'Cause I'm
Alright

Whip crackin' floozy
Way outta control
She got a new kinda jelly
In her jelly roll
I got the right key baby
But the wrong keyhole
And I'm ready, so ready
I'm a red hot pistol
And I'm ready to fight
I'm a thirty eight special
On a Saturday night
I'm gonna kiss your boo-boo honey
Make it alright
'Cause I'm ready, so ready ooh

I got a cruiser with a bimbo on the dash
It kinda keeps my ass in line
One little french kiss honey that's my kinda trash, yeah
My brand new baby's lookin F-I-N-E, fine
The sun is shinin' every day
Ain't got no rubbers now it's rainin all the time, honey
But I'm
Alright

I feel like I'm hung up on the line
I'd die for you but we were partners in the crime
Everything about you is so F-I-N-E, fine
Let's put our clothes back on
And by the way girl
What's your name again, uh huh
Alright

Pitched my tent
In the pouring rain
I got a back seat lover
That's callin' my name
She gonna blow my cover
She's hot as a flame
But I'm ready, so ready, ow
I shove my tongue
Right between your cheeks
I haven't made love now
For twenty-five weeks
I hear that you're so tight
Your lovin' squeaks
And I'm ready, so ready
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Tie yourself to the mast, my friend, and the storm will end

have not been fine since june but hoping to get back there this fall

often "i'm fine" is just a way of getting ppl to leave you alone, the most basic display of etiquette (in the "doing what somebody else wants as if you wanted to do it" sense)

as a dismissal of the interior and personal to reassure the public it's hard to beat. "everything's fine" is so ripe w irony, quelle chris & jean grae put out a record w that title this year and my friend socrates wrote a book by that title a few years back. it's quite "no surprises" but it's def a big mood rn

anyway I don't think "i'm fine" means much until it's not true

"I can't deny I'm paralysed from the inside
Everyday I wake to feel the same
And every time you ask me how I'm feeling
I just smile and tell you that I'm fine"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYcp1bUb4lU

recently obsessed with this Hazel English song, probably the most familiar encapsulation of what depression/anxiety actually feels like on an everyday level

I remember how you loved me
time was all we had until the day we said goodbye
and i remember EVERY MOMENT...

need another category for "I'm fine thanks to anti-anxiety meds"

yeah those help a lot but mostly to turn "complete and abject panic" to "dissatisfaction with my life." symptom not problem, not that I enjoy having the symptom around

yeah, I suppose ymmv, but I'm better off

I know you fine, but how you doin

are you fine? because you are a penalty imposed by judicial process upon a miscreant in the form of a financial transaction to their relative disadvantage

Lol

i drank from the fountains

^ fun fact, my 7th grade history teacher, accompanied by my middle school band director, played that song as the faculty act in the talent show one year.

two girls at my school preformed it at the talent show -- two years in a row

fine atm, food drop today - beer in the fridge. i'm a low stakes person when it comes to what makes my day alright

tomorrow who knows.

Is "fine" the only word that is used almost exclusively to mean something other than its actual primary definition?

White lies in general depend on saying something one does not genuinely think true.

Fucked Up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

(thanks rehab)

surprised at how many people are registering as fine

It's an automatic response. How am I? I am fine. (Narrator: He wasn't fine.)

Lol DJP

I realized about three days ago that I am, for the first time since 2013, fine. I have been fine for most of August. I am thrilled that I am fine. If I can make it to the end of the day without a cigarette, then I’ll be past the frustrating phase.

The silver lining about being not fine for so long is that being fine again feels amazing and incredible. I ran 5km today. I’m nearly done arranging all this Julius Eastman for two harpsichords. I am renting a Jazz Chorus today for no reason. I did the fancy tooth care ritual instead of the normal brush and spit.

I am as fine as I was one or two or three or six years ago, which is to say not; the core problem is that the things that would have to happen in my life for me to be fine again are never going to happen, and there are still several decades left in which I will still be aware of that

Ba-bump

I am more fine than I would have expected to be on this particular date but I am less fine than I would like to be. There's like this shadow of a panic attack hovering just at the periphery of my vision and it keeps creeping just a little closer before backing off again. I wish it would stop fucking with me, if I'm perfectly honest.

Pretty sure, even if all goes relatively well and smoothly, it's going to be at least a week before I'll be able to declare myself truly fine.

How about you? Are you fine?

I’m hanging in there. election + going through all these paperwork hoops starting a new job has got me pretty wired. Feeling pretty vulnerable. I’m ok, though.

I feel strangely calm, partially because I've finally started writing again, but mostly because I know that whatever happens in the next 60 hours will happen no matter what I do.

more irritable than usual and incapable of my best concentration, but that's just because of the election.

Was gonna say, you know there's a general sourness of spirit when the generally sanguine likes of you and clemenza start to get overtly rankled 'round these parts.

just listened to the matt mcconaughey episode of maron, so to quote the man himself and borrow his legendary turn of phrase: "I am fine."

i'm fine. don't want to be at work tho

congrats on the new job brimstead

I just ctrl-fed "foine" and decided I need new jokes

There are plenty of dad jokes available, guaranteed to be endlessly recyclable.

Hungover on my day off...getting really tired of losing time / days to sleep when I could be enjoying my time off. Also left a wheel of brie on the counter overnight

ty map <3

glad to be (virtually) around all you fine folks in this fucked up time <3