Posts you had second thought about and decided not to post - put them here

I only know 2 posters here and I knew them before I ever found ILX. different story

xp to DC
agreed. it's the height of passive-aggressiveness.

I think unperson and Adam meant that they'd interact as if ILX didn't exist, which seems reasonable. I have a number of friends whom I've met thanks to ILX and if the board comes up at all it's tangential.

Exactly. If you're out in the world and all you can think of to talk about is an internet message board, do you really belong out in the world?

xposts

but it isn’t a void, if you want to post into a void there’s notepad or physical pen and paper. posting something in public means people can and will see it, and it doesn’t mean they can’t be hurt by it

it's a void if you don't look at it! I have no idea what conversation was going on elsewhere that made you (accurately) deduce that unperson was talking about you here, but you don't have to look at this thread. if you're actively looking at it to see if anyone's saying unkind things about you, then it would be self-care to avoid it altogether.

unperson is often a total dick, and unapologetic about it as seen ^^, but him taking his dick-posting away from the other conversation is a deliberate attempt to de-escalate, not to provoke.

that's nonsense!

if I met Alfred I would buy him a drink

― Οὖτις, Thursday, September 20, 2018 6:01 PM (one minute ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

yes

i don't know sic, this is the notorious passive-aggressive shit-talking thread, it's kind of weird to advise people not to look at it

lol

The joy and sorrow of this thread has always been that your controversial comments got if anything more attention than they would on the main thread.

It’s like the real life equivalent of standing up on a table to make your point

it's where you go when you want to escalate something and showcase it, all while maintaining the excuse that you were just trying to de-escalate it by hiding it on a separate thread

xpost

and the table is labeled "not a soapbox"

if you want to de-escalate, don't post the mean thing at all. what, the rest of us are supposed to accept that there's an official Cool Kids Thread where everybody's saying mean shit about us, and look it's your OWN FAULT if you go and actually READ it? anyway there are a million *actual* voids you can go vent in if you want to de-escalate. you could do the abe lincoln thing of writing a strongly worded letter and then throw it in the fireplace. or txt your best friend about it. or go for a walk and yell at the ocean. all of these look a lot more like de-escalating to my eyes.

they'd interact as if ILX didn't exist, which seems reasonable.

ah ok n/m yeah that makes sense

It’s gaslighting and that’s why bruneau was banned

I've met about a hundred ILX0rs IRL and even the terrible posters are mostly nice ppl

i don't know sic, this is the notorious passive-aggressive shit-talking thread, it's kind of weird to advise people not to look at it

I guess a lot of ppl see it that way and a few use it that way, but it's just an oubliette if you leave the lid on

if you want to de-escalate, don't post the mean thing at all

talking about "by unperson standards" here

idk the whole thing, and the "look the internet's a rough place full of men being dicks, that's how it rolls so you gotta thicken your skin" advice, however well intentioned, just feels like a weird conscious or unconscious vestige of the zinging noize era. rather than taking it for granted that we already have one of the comparatively politest and productively discursive spaces around, we could ask, how can we do better?

to be clear i'm sure i've been part of the problem too, maybe as recently as this week. there are whole threads of mine i'd really like to strike from the record. but there is still hope for this board!!

Ideas for ILX: a site-wide 24-hour lockout for anybody who replies to any post itt

Y'all are invited to my place for cocktails in twenty minutes. Bring ice and cashews.

the difference is that posts here still exist, and if I encountered someone in a personal or professional context their opinion of me would still exist and color their interactions with me. and I would rather know it exist and have the same amount of information than to be blindsided by it

I agree w/you DC.
2 points tho: 1) it does not seem like a good idea for a poster like katherine to be perusing this thread. what is to be gained? if I was that sensitive to criticism/insults, I would avoid it completely. 2) I'm all for being polite but I'm not going to walk on eggshells for someone who reads "choose your battles" (when it wasn't even in response to them specifically) as being shouted down. It's ridiculous.

Tbf i think it showed really bad judgment for unperson to make even a subtweet type comment about katherine who is obviously not interested in a Zingy, banter kind of atmosphere.

I sympathize with katherine because (years back) I used to think many of the posters here were very cool and smart, especially ones whose work I had read in pitchfork and elsewhere, and it was traumatizing when they would criticize my posting style/personality.

I’ve learned since then that not everyone is going to like me and that’s ok—i don’t like everyone either. The bluntness of ilx actually allowed me to learn things about myself and how I come across to others and in some cases that’s led me to tone things down but in most cases I just made peace with it.

once again, I don’t understand how I am more at fault/the person who needs to change one’s behavior for encountering a hostile thing than the person saying the hostile thing

also the post goes right to the top of the page when it is posted in and probably in New Answers, it isn’t as if I am consulting a hidden dusty library stack

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

you're not more at fault. however I've found it's MUCH easier to change how I react to other people's behavior than to get people to change their behavior.

CSS/User script

you seem focused on the notion of fairness, and an idealized world: you did nothing wrong, why are you being attacked. others get away with stuff, go unpunished. you don't want posters to post this or that. you want to know all information that would help you navigate relationships better.
nobody is disputing that things are unfair. *cliche* life is unfair. complaining about unfairness IME is far less useful to oneself than figuring out defense mechanisms to deal with it.

also ilx isnt your workplace so you should stop insisting that every poster behave as if it were

hello it's my thread and I'm the boss so listen up and stop posting

first, stop being mean to Katherine.

second, you will recall that this post is for second thoughts. that means reflection. so do some reflection. why are you not posting? why is the world better off without your post?

in the true spirit of the thread you would log off and go take a walk

hey Bryce, I gotta take a few days off next week. cool?

as an internet asshole, I recommend saying your very mean and true thing directly to the person you want to say it to.

and if you are human, your heart rate will go up and you will regret it instantly

which brings us back to log off and take a walk

love you sic

and love the rest of you

bye

@ granny: ilx is a collaborative creation. we should be trying to make it more fair. "the world is unfair" is unimpressive because the proposal on the table is to change one part of the world - a tiny part that we basically control as a group - and make it less unfair. so "the world is unfair" starts to sound like "i like it better when people can be snarky and mean and nobody calls them out on it." but i'm going out for a burger and tiki drinks per bamcquern's suggestion.

We can't actually agree on who is snarky and mean it seems so the game's a bogey and the ba's on the slates.

darraghmac OTM

a tiny part that we basically control as a group - and make it less unfair

Yet even within that tiny controlled world there are going to be things out of your control. I mean this is a false binary: we can all work to make it a lovely cumbaya feel good place AND develop a who gives a fuck what posters say about me attitude

also the post goes right to the top of the page when it is posted in and probably in New Answers, it isn’t as if I am consulting a hidden dusty library stack

the thing I don't get, still, is the fact that it's up to me, when one could easily say "don't be hostile to other people"

because nobody can police that

but you can control you

but... a person (speaking in general here) can police whether they are hostile or not? it isn't even "policing," since one has to go out of one's way to be hostile. and even a bit of policing isn't a bad thing. like, even my use of the word "hostile" is chosen because unlike, say, "dickish" it doesn't imply that they are a bad person, which isn't something I want to imply.

like "you can control you" applies equally well to people saying hostile or mean or combative things. unless there is someone forcing them to do them, or the words just magically appear on the screen with no agency or input

one person's hostility is another person's banter. it's very subjective, which is why "don't be hostile" makes less sense than "ignore that bullshit"

you don't get to dictate how I engage on ILX just because you may not like how I say it. that's what the FP button is for.

also Granny I apologize for resorting to an insult to express my vehement disagreement w/you today, I agree 100% with your posts itt

but... a person (speaking in general here) can police whether they are hostile or not?

they can choose to, yes. they can also choose not to.

:) thanks man it's all good

"you can control you" applies equally well to people saying hostile or mean or combative things

yes! and people can choose to be mean, or say combative things. being mean and combative is okay!

the issue here is not that people are being mean to you, it's that you are having trouble regulating your emotional response to that meanness

one person's hostility is another person's banter.

I'm also baffled -- I realize I say this a lot, but I genuinely am -- as to how there is any question as to whether the likes of "jesus christ you're fucking insane" or "oh for fuck's sake stop whining and filling every fucking thread with your fucking self-pitying tears" can possibly be construed as good-hearted banter. like, sure, my friends banter, but the hostility register is generally more along the lines of "haha, what a classic pisces" (just an analogy of something with a similar level of venom, please don't make this about how astrology is fake), not this. and even in the case of that banter, if someone say "hey, can you not tease me about ____, it makes me uncomfortable/upsets me" then everyone stops.

ILX is not IRL, we are not your friends