Posts you had second thought about and decided not to post - put them here

you're not more at fault. however I've found it's MUCH easier to change how I react to other people's behavior than to get people to change their behavior.

CSS/User script

you seem focused on the notion of fairness, and an idealized world: you did nothing wrong, why are you being attacked. others get away with stuff, go unpunished. you don't want posters to post this or that. you want to know all information that would help you navigate relationships better.
nobody is disputing that things are unfair. *cliche* life is unfair. complaining about unfairness IME is far less useful to oneself than figuring out defense mechanisms to deal with it.

also ilx isnt your workplace so you should stop insisting that every poster behave as if it were

hello it's my thread and I'm the boss so listen up and stop posting

first, stop being mean to Katherine.

second, you will recall that this post is for second thoughts. that means reflection. so do some reflection. why are you not posting? why is the world better off without your post?

in the true spirit of the thread you would log off and go take a walk

hey Bryce, I gotta take a few days off next week. cool?

as an internet asshole, I recommend saying your very mean and true thing directly to the person you want to say it to.

and if you are human, your heart rate will go up and you will regret it instantly

which brings us back to log off and take a walk

love you sic

and love the rest of you

bye

@ granny: ilx is a collaborative creation. we should be trying to make it more fair. "the world is unfair" is unimpressive because the proposal on the table is to change one part of the world - a tiny part that we basically control as a group - and make it less unfair. so "the world is unfair" starts to sound like "i like it better when people can be snarky and mean and nobody calls them out on it." but i'm going out for a burger and tiki drinks per bamcquern's suggestion.

We can't actually agree on who is snarky and mean it seems so the game's a bogey and the ba's on the slates.

darraghmac OTM

a tiny part that we basically control as a group - and make it less unfair

Yet even within that tiny controlled world there are going to be things out of your control. I mean this is a false binary: we can all work to make it a lovely cumbaya feel good place AND develop a who gives a fuck what posters say about me attitude

also the post goes right to the top of the page when it is posted in and probably in New Answers, it isn’t as if I am consulting a hidden dusty library stack

the thing I don't get, still, is the fact that it's up to me, when one could easily say "don't be hostile to other people"

because nobody can police that

but you can control you

but... a person (speaking in general here) can police whether they are hostile or not? it isn't even "policing," since one has to go out of one's way to be hostile. and even a bit of policing isn't a bad thing. like, even my use of the word "hostile" is chosen because unlike, say, "dickish" it doesn't imply that they are a bad person, which isn't something I want to imply.

like "you can control you" applies equally well to people saying hostile or mean or combative things. unless there is someone forcing them to do them, or the words just magically appear on the screen with no agency or input

one person's hostility is another person's banter. it's very subjective, which is why "don't be hostile" makes less sense than "ignore that bullshit"

you don't get to dictate how I engage on ILX just because you may not like how I say it. that's what the FP button is for.

also Granny I apologize for resorting to an insult to express my vehement disagreement w/you today, I agree 100% with your posts itt

but... a person (speaking in general here) can police whether they are hostile or not?

they can choose to, yes. they can also choose not to.

:) thanks man it's all good

"you can control you" applies equally well to people saying hostile or mean or combative things

yes! and people can choose to be mean, or say combative things. being mean and combative is okay!

the issue here is not that people are being mean to you, it's that you are having trouble regulating your emotional response to that meanness

one person's hostility is another person's banter.

I'm also baffled -- I realize I say this a lot, but I genuinely am -- as to how there is any question as to whether the likes of "jesus christ you're fucking insane" or "oh for fuck's sake stop whining and filling every fucking thread with your fucking self-pitying tears" can possibly be construed as good-hearted banter. like, sure, my friends banter, but the hostility register is generally more along the lines of "haha, what a classic pisces" (just an analogy of something with a similar level of venom, please don't make this about how astrology is fake), not this. and even in the case of that banter, if someone say "hey, can you not tease me about ____, it makes me uncomfortable/upsets me" then everyone stops.

ILX is not IRL, we are not your friends

Man my underwear got hole in teh dick

right, but even among non-friends there is a general expectation of civility.

(yes, with possible exceptions for things like punching nazis, this isn't about that)

well, some of ILX is in IRL but they are mean-spirited drunks and we hate them

like, virtually every post here can be applied in the opposite direction, like so:

yes! and people can choose to read things said to them, or not read things said to them. reading things said to you is okay!

the issue here is not that people are reading things said to them, it's that people are having trouble regulating their level of meanness to that person

right, but even among non-friends there is a general expectation of civility.

to go back to sleeve's point, the level of civility we expect and experience is completely subjective

no katherine, it can't

because control is only in one direction

you can control only yourself, you can't control other people

but why can't those people control themselves?

why am I the only person expected to have a level of control here

because you're the only person in distress

(and I'd posit that it's much easier to control whether one says something -- which is active, a thing that you go out of your way to do, a thing that cannot happen involuntarily and that you expect when it happens, given that you're the one doing it -- than to control a reaction to something -- passive, something that is involuntary and done to you, often in ways you don't expect.)

Just to harp even more on what I said that upset you: I had no earthly idea that anyone would take "choose your battles" as me shouting them down or me being hostile. Idk maybe you're only referring to unperson's post itt. But in any case, something I viewed basically as a throw away cliche caused you distress. I can see how it can be taken as condescending; intention was more of a "we're all on the same side here, I think this is best left noted in our files on white supremacist infiltration of conservativsim but otherwise ignored, prob best to focus on other things. However, it's ridiculous to characterize it as being shouted down. That reaction is all on you, not me.

but why can't those people control themselves?

I'm not sure who is supposed to provide the answer to this, or how.

xp

you need to read up on internal vs external locus of control

you sound like my middle school students - he HIT ME, therefore I HAD TO hit him back

nope

except for the fact that I'm not being hostile to anyone?

"haha, what a classic pisces" (just an analogy of something with a similar level of venom, please don't make this about how astrology is fake)

the expectation that anyone here might do this is emblematic of your problem imo. we really aren't here to victimise you

(and if I am, I apologize, I am trying very hard to word my posts in a way that won't be construed accidentally as hostile or like I am calling someone a bad person. it's not comparable to hitting someone.)

perhaps people feel that there is a strong element of passive-aggression in your attempts to demand control of everybody else's behaviour to a completely unreasonable degree across the entire website whenever you start to behave like this katherine.

i dont speak for anyone else, and we have not to my recollection had a run-in, so there is no rancour in my suggesting this- it is just what it seems like to me.

the expectation that anyone here might do this is emblematic of your problem imo. we really aren't here to victimise you

― imago, Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:18 PM (five seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

considering that the original thread was derailed for some time as to whether "shouting" or "condescending" or something else was the correct colloquial verb, I thought it necessary just to cover all of my bases

dmac otm

you are being incredibly passive-aggressive

perhaps people feel that there is a strong element of passive-aggression in your attempts to demand control of everybody else's behaviour to a completely unreasonable degree across the entire website

I don't understand why it's "unreasonable" to prefer people not call others "fucking insane" or things like that. I think it is a generally agreed upon expectation of decent behavior in general. and if you disagree try telling your coworker that tomorrow, or somebody on the street, and when consequences happen argue that they just need to learn to control their reaction to banter.

chin up, nobody is being "hostile" to you, at least not by the standards of ILX

I think it is a generally agreed upon expectation of decent behavior in general

it's not though, it's really not

perhaps you're just not tall enough for this ride?

but... it is! would you tell that to your coworkers? would you stop someone on the street and tell them that? would you choose an email out of a hat and email it to that person?