Posts you had second thought about and decided not to post - put them here

one person's hostility is another person's banter. it's very subjective, which is why "don't be hostile" makes less sense than "ignore that bullshit"

you don't get to dictate how I engage on ILX just because you may not like how I say it. that's what the FP button is for.

also Granny I apologize for resorting to an insult to express my vehement disagreement w/you today, I agree 100% with your posts itt

but... a person (speaking in general here) can police whether they are hostile or not?

they can choose to, yes. they can also choose not to.

:) thanks man it's all good

"you can control you" applies equally well to people saying hostile or mean or combative things

yes! and people can choose to be mean, or say combative things. being mean and combative is okay!

the issue here is not that people are being mean to you, it's that you are having trouble regulating your emotional response to that meanness

one person's hostility is another person's banter.

I'm also baffled -- I realize I say this a lot, but I genuinely am -- as to how there is any question as to whether the likes of "jesus christ you're fucking insane" or "oh for fuck's sake stop whining and filling every fucking thread with your fucking self-pitying tears" can possibly be construed as good-hearted banter. like, sure, my friends banter, but the hostility register is generally more along the lines of "haha, what a classic pisces" (just an analogy of something with a similar level of venom, please don't make this about how astrology is fake), not this. and even in the case of that banter, if someone say "hey, can you not tease me about ____, it makes me uncomfortable/upsets me" then everyone stops.

ILX is not IRL, we are not your friends

Man my underwear got hole in teh dick

right, but even among non-friends there is a general expectation of civility.

(yes, with possible exceptions for things like punching nazis, this isn't about that)

well, some of ILX is in IRL but they are mean-spirited drunks and we hate them

like, virtually every post here can be applied in the opposite direction, like so:

yes! and people can choose to read things said to them, or not read things said to them. reading things said to you is okay!

the issue here is not that people are reading things said to them, it's that people are having trouble regulating their level of meanness to that person

right, but even among non-friends there is a general expectation of civility.

to go back to sleeve's point, the level of civility we expect and experience is completely subjective

no katherine, it can't

because control is only in one direction

you can control only yourself, you can't control other people

but why can't those people control themselves?

why am I the only person expected to have a level of control here

because you're the only person in distress

(and I'd posit that it's much easier to control whether one says something -- which is active, a thing that you go out of your way to do, a thing that cannot happen involuntarily and that you expect when it happens, given that you're the one doing it -- than to control a reaction to something -- passive, something that is involuntary and done to you, often in ways you don't expect.)

Just to harp even more on what I said that upset you: I had no earthly idea that anyone would take "choose your battles" as me shouting them down or me being hostile. Idk maybe you're only referring to unperson's post itt. But in any case, something I viewed basically as a throw away cliche caused you distress. I can see how it can be taken as condescending; intention was more of a "we're all on the same side here, I think this is best left noted in our files on white supremacist infiltration of conservativsim but otherwise ignored, prob best to focus on other things. However, it's ridiculous to characterize it as being shouted down. That reaction is all on you, not me.

but why can't those people control themselves?

I'm not sure who is supposed to provide the answer to this, or how.

xp

you need to read up on internal vs external locus of control

you sound like my middle school students - he HIT ME, therefore I HAD TO hit him back

nope

except for the fact that I'm not being hostile to anyone?

"haha, what a classic pisces" (just an analogy of something with a similar level of venom, please don't make this about how astrology is fake)

the expectation that anyone here might do this is emblematic of your problem imo. we really aren't here to victimise you

(and if I am, I apologize, I am trying very hard to word my posts in a way that won't be construed accidentally as hostile or like I am calling someone a bad person. it's not comparable to hitting someone.)

perhaps people feel that there is a strong element of passive-aggression in your attempts to demand control of everybody else's behaviour to a completely unreasonable degree across the entire website whenever you start to behave like this katherine.

i dont speak for anyone else, and we have not to my recollection had a run-in, so there is no rancour in my suggesting this- it is just what it seems like to me.

the expectation that anyone here might do this is emblematic of your problem imo. we really aren't here to victimise you

― imago, Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:18 PM (five seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

considering that the original thread was derailed for some time as to whether "shouting" or "condescending" or something else was the correct colloquial verb, I thought it necessary just to cover all of my bases

dmac otm

you are being incredibly passive-aggressive

perhaps people feel that there is a strong element of passive-aggression in your attempts to demand control of everybody else's behaviour to a completely unreasonable degree across the entire website

I don't understand why it's "unreasonable" to prefer people not call others "fucking insane" or things like that. I think it is a generally agreed upon expectation of decent behavior in general. and if you disagree try telling your coworker that tomorrow, or somebody on the street, and when consequences happen argue that they just need to learn to control their reaction to banter.

chin up, nobody is being "hostile" to you, at least not by the standards of ILX

I think it is a generally agreed upon expectation of decent behavior in general

it's not though, it's really not

perhaps you're just not tall enough for this ride?

but... it is! would you tell that to your coworkers? would you stop someone on the street and tell them that? would you choose an email out of a hat and email it to that person?

Replace "whether one says something" with "whether someone else says something". Does your posit still sound valid to you? I don't know how many times I can say the fact (and it is a fact) that it is much easier to control your reaction to others' behavior than it is to control others' behavior.

that's the equivalent of saying "sure, it's easier to control your reaction to being shot with an AK-47 to whether you are shot with an AK-47" but it seems like the burden is more on the person shooting the gun

“right, but even among non-friends there is a general expectation of civility” - sure but that isn’t true of the internet

(not to literally compare this to that, it was just the first analogy that came to mind, replace "being pelted with Nickelodeon slime" or something if you want)

Paul McCartney has a tiny dick

“right, but even among non-friends there is a general expectation of civility” - sure but that isn’t true of the internet

yes, and there is approximately a Library of Congress's worth of books, articles, studies, etc. -- all of which are generally agreed upon, to the point of being commonly accepted knowledge -- that this is a problem with the Internet and it would be better if there were, in fact, that expectation

Now replace "prefer others not to" with "expect or demand others not to"

Shit rong thrread

nickelodeon is for idiots

;)

I think it's entirely reasonable to expect or demand that people not be outright hostile. It's an expectation I hold myself to as well.

you should probably quit ILX

X-post - I wish it were too but the reality is that it’s not so you have to learn how to cope with that.

I think the internet and its unfortunately lower current standards of civility is one bell that can’t be unrung so to speak.

Paul McCartney has a tiny dick

If only Turrican was still here to debate this.

you should probably quit ILX

― the late great, Thursday, September 20, 2018 8:25 PM (twenty-seven seconds ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

again, why is the burden on me to leave a community where I enjoy discussing music and other topics, when I haven't done anything to be hostile to others (and if I have here, I apologize, it wasn't intentional, and I will try my hardest not to do it again)

because you're the one not enjoying it?

tlg walking that fine fine line between hardass realtalk and being a total jerk tbf

but there is a very simple way to make it enjoyable and that is not to post things with that level of outright hostility

Look I'm very sorry I said you're fucking insane. You are exasperating though, and I have called loved ones "crazy" "nuts" etc when in argument. Or when not in an argument! It's not meant literally. However if I'm being honest you do seem to be hypersensitive to an unhealthy degree.

like, even if we're talking "internet culture" or whatever, one of the most broadly accepted/memetic/whatever conceptualizations/"rules" if you want to call it that for internet etiquette is "don't be a dick." not "don't get upset if someone is a dick to you." it's "don't be a dick."