ROAD TRIP (now with 50% more hilarity)

When I was young and on a family vacation, we once drove south as far as new Mexico. That's from Toronto so a long way. Drove straight south to Florida a couple of times as well. Recently it would be the drive east to Nova Scotia, around the northern tip of Cape Breton and back. That's 5000kms plus or something like that. We spent nearly eight days to do it though, so not so bad. Very scenic.

One time my dad drove us all cross country in a giant pink van. It was crazy. By "us all" I mean my scared-of-planes mom, my three sisters (who were all like 6 at the time), and like about 10 animals of the cat dog bird variety. In this giant pink van, listening the entire time to Bruce Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A.. We went from NYC to Seattle. The next summer it was Seattle to Arizona. The van got repossessed about two years later, and my mom let me beat the shit out of it, which was wicked. "They ahve to take it in any condition, let's fuck them over". I love that.

I JUST DROVE FROM BOSTON TO KANSAS CITY. I PUT ALL MY WORLDLY POSSESIONS IN A DODGE OMNI. IT WAS HAR DTO DO

I put all my bedroom furniture in an oldsmobile and made someone with a suspended licence drive it across the street for me. And now I'm going to have a dancer/bartender help me put it together. What do you think of that, Mr. Hanley?

TART