ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

Argh my oldest is menstruating. Halp. It's so weird: no longer a kid. 😭

Nath <3

Oh my god, if I thought The Little Mermaid was complicated to explain to my 4yo ('Is that Ariel or the naughty lady?' 'why does she want to pretend to be Ariel?' 'why does the naughty lady not want Ariel to sing?' etc etc) then I should NOT have put on 'The Princess and the Frog'.

Far too complicated! Although he legit spotted a loophole in the rules of the magic.

Xpost thanks. :-)

I wish there was a way of banning all the blind-bagged collectable tiny plastic crap things marketed at kids now. Ooshies! Lol Surprise! Shitnuggets!

LOL. I agree, however the mister buys that crap for *himself* so hes hardly a role model to his boys on that front har. We even had to buy all the fecking coles miniature groceries.

Which promptly got piled into a large jar and no one wants them anymore. Way to cut back on plastic, Coles!

Those Coles things are awful, and they're apparently about to do another lot, ffs

Vomit on the living room rug! Vomit on the kitchen floor! Vomit on the utility room! Vomit in her hair!

thanks for sharing your blog posts nick! (and good luck with the vomit!)

I would actually employ someone just to get the children from our front door and into the carseats and then back again when we come home.
I dream of just being able to get out of the car and walk off.

Nick S., I have to tell you that Ivy absolutely adores Casper from afar and regularly asks me if there are "any new pictures of that cute, cute baby" to look at.

I would actually employ someone just to get the children from our front door and into the carseats and then back again when we come home.

i had exactly this thought when we remembered a 10am doctor's appointment at 9:58am, my sister in law came round at exactly the right moment and managed to get her into her coat and shoes in 10 seconds, it would have taken me 10 minutes (or extreme bribery).

God, Ophelia confided her friend's mother hits her. There's also emotional abuse. Doesn't surprise me: she has an eating disorder and is an emotional wreck. I already told the head teacher about the eating disorder but I'm now thinking ab telling them ab the abuse. I feel so so sad for the kid. :-(

The worst I think: the mom told her she wishes she was never born.
For fuck's sake. It angers me so much. Who the fuck says that to their child?!?

omg that's awful. do you see the kid much?

That's so horrible, nath. I'm sorry.

I rarely see her. Ophelia went for a sleepover but the mom threw her out. I didn't realize till she knocked on the door at 10 to 10.

I decided Ophelia can't go anymore. I don't like a toxic environment. But the girl can come as much as she wants. Which she's doing now.

Contacted the headteacher. We're going to sit down and have a talk. I feel a little weird (invading the mom's privacy) but still good ab it too.

I think you’ve done exactly the right thing, Nath.

Seconded. Not an easy decision I imagine but definitely the right one.

Yes that's too acute to think back on a few years from now and think "wish I'd said something". If it was just one kid telling another it might be prudent to wait to find out more, but throwing your kid out at 10pm is all kinds of justification for concern.
Interestingly the psychologist I saw after my marriage breakdown told me that in situations where kids are subjected to potentially damaging psychological environments, having one "OK" adult in their life regularly can be enough to minimise the harm.

It is a very difficult decision. I feel as though I'm meddling. But otoh hearing "I wish you were never born" just consolidated my decision. I never hit my kids but I now feel it's not a black/white thing. I mean sometimes I can understand a slap is "okay." (I mean: I don't disapprove completely.) But hitting and emotional abuse combined: fuck that.

Being a single parent is very hard. I empathize. But at the end of the day, try avoiding dumping your problems on the kid. The latter didn't ask for it. Poor kid.

I told Ophelia: tell her she is always welcome, no matter what. I mean it. I hate seeing kids unhappy. A good childhood is essential. It's the groundworks for a good adult life.

the worst thing happened here a couple of weeks ago - a friend and classmate of my youngest commited suicide after being bullied online. 12 years old. nice bright quite kid who'd been over to our house a couple of times, so fucked up

quite quiet

Oh no. My nephew had a friend commit suicide earlier this year. I think he was 13 or 14. Way too young. I'm sorry for your loss.

maybe i'm wrong but i keep thinking about how impulsive kids can be at that age, and how temporary situations can seem inescapable but somehow the permanence of death hasn't quite fully registered

So true Nick. This frightens me to no end. Sorry for anyone having to lose someone to suicide.

Had a sitdown w teacher and councelor (sp?). The teacher said it made sense that she flunked her math exam (after I had told her the girl and her mom fought before the exam). As a result she might have to change schools. (If you flunk one subject, you have to go to a vocational school.)

Anyway told'em I was always available if they needed me. Apparently the mother never replies to their messages. :-(((( so sad.

I'm shopping for new clothes for my son and I never want to see the word 'Roarsome' ever again

I've seen a lot of "Floss like a boss" t-shirts recently, strange that dental hygiene is suddenly so popular but hey I'm all for it.

probably refers to Flynt Flossy

Has anyone had any success helping a child with social anxiety? My 7yr old daughter does a strange thing that I can only call self rejection, where kids come up to her and want to play and she shies away, and then later insists no one wants to play with her. I can’t figure out how to help her with it. I try to model social behavior by talking to others myself, and telling her that the way you get over being shy is by just talking to people anyway. Not sure what else to do. Any reassurance or compliments seem to bounce off.

Ophelia is going back to her therapist. Think it’s for the best. She’s not happy. Also talked ab switching from Latin to subjects focused on her interests (psychology, culture,...). I think she’ll be surrounded by like-minded kids. The elite school she attends now is really not her style. She was recommended Latin and Classic Greek but I think humane sciences (how we call it here) is really more her passion.

MA, wish I could help. Ophelia always had trouble in groups. :-(

Just a couple of thoughts for MA.

Social interactions among immature kids can be very unpredictable and confusing. Kids can be very random and impulsive, while smooth, confident social interaction requires dependability. 7 year olds are going to vary widely in their maturity, even the same kid from hour to hour.

Your description of her behavior sounds like it's possibly grounded in bad experiences during play with other kids. If it is grounded in one or more bad experiences, just reassuring her everything's really OK won't be a strong enough signal to override the bad feelings that got laid in.

I'd ask her what she feels like when the other kids come up to her and go from there. There's got to be an opening somewhere into figuring out what's happening inside her. The safer she feels, the more likely she can access it and articulate it with you. But, if she can't, don't pressure her.

I think all kids are different. My daughter was similar but now has a big social circle at 11 years old.

My son (almost 9) has never had a problem with it and will always just go and play with a group of kids he doesn't know, even if they don't ask.

Ophelia’s kindergardenteacher warned me that she wasn’t social enough. Even now at 13 she’s a loner. It’s not in her. She’s interested in more “adult” things. I was like her, not interested in a circlecof friends, at that age. But I wasn’t bothered by it. She is. Hopefully she’ll find kids more likeminded. Hence why I want her to switch to other subjects at school (and dump that elite school). We’ll see. :-(

my musician wife has been offered the chance to play in japan as part of a 10-day tour of tokyo and osaka

she'd love to go but it would mean taking our daughter along, who would be 16 months old by the time of the tour, with me tagging along to look after her

it'd be an 11 hour flight from where we are to there, plus waiting times in airports etc

level with me, parents of ilx: is it insane to think you can take a toddler halfway round the world for a week and a half?

I'd ask her what she feels like when the other kids come up to her and go from there. There's got to be an opening somewhere into figuring out what's happening inside her. The safer she feels, the more likely she can access it and articulate it with you. But, if she can't, don't pressure her.

― A is for (Aimless), Saturday, 1 June 2019 23:06 (four days ago) Permalink

This was very helpful advice, thanks. I did ask her about it and it turns out that the problem was that she didn't know the other kids, and she was afraid of the kids she didn't know, not the kid she's friends with. This makes sense, because when she's at parties that are more her friend group she tends to be shy at first but eventually warm up and play. Helping her articulate what she was nervous about made her feel better, and also I tried to accept that I can't just "fix" the problem, that it may take time.

my musician wife has been offered the chance to play in japan as part of a 10-day tour of tokyo and osaka

she'd love to go but it would mean taking our daughter along, who would be 16 months old by the time of the tour, with me tagging along to look after her

it'd be an 11 hour flight from where we are to there, plus waiting times in airports etc

level with me, parents of ilx: is it insane to think you can take a toddler halfway round the world for a week and a half?

― can’t stop thinking about amy adams as crash bandicoot (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, June 5, 2019 9:02 AM (eleven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

in some ways i think it's easier when they're smaller. part of it depends on how schedule/routine-oriented you are, because the routine is going to get fucked up. but it's not insane. my wife took our first kid to france for a week by herself when the kid was like 1.5 years old, and she survived.

We tend to be pretty conservative with what we do with our kids, but I've seen friends do all kinds of stuff with kids that age -- hard hikes with them in backpacks, trips to underdeveloped countries, etc. They can adjust to a lot and if anything they understand less and are less resistant to change than they become a couple years later.

we took our 10 month old halfway around the world for 3 weeks (USA to Turkey), then with kid #3 took her much of halfway around the world (USA to France) again at 10 months. I dunno, maybe we were crazy? it wasn't a big deal. we have traveled soooooo much with kids of all ages now. but we have had no routines difficult to travel and just kinda figure stuff out on the fly (like, where to buy diapers in central Turkey). We've been as a family to Japan, it's easier than Turkey that way!

changing a diaper on a plane is some next-level parenting shit. if you can do that you can do anything.

i just got back from a whirlwind trip to mexico city with my 18 month old. we were nervous about the flights but she was a total peach. snacks, books, ipad, lots of little toys. obviously 11 hours is... twice as long but it'll be fine. also people who get mad about crying babies on planes are fucking assholes. (the guy in front of me put his seat back so my daughter and i just merrily kicked the shit out of it until he angrily looked back, saw the baby, and was properly shamed. thus there's potential for edutainment experiences as well.)

also my anecdotal observations in japan suggest that it's a very kid friendly place. saw lots of kids both tourist and not being very warmly welcomed in restaurants, ryoken, et cetera.

on planes i do the standing diaper change--stand her on the changing table and let her cling to me. this probably won't work when she's a little taller.

we've travelled to Mexico with two (4 & 2) and the most difficult thing was all the freakin' luggage

board books are fucking heavy

thanks folks, appreciate it!

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+to+take+a+tiny+baby+on+a+plane

fuck, owned