ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

probably refers to Flynt Flossy

Has anyone had any success helping a child with social anxiety? My 7yr old daughter does a strange thing that I can only call self rejection, where kids come up to her and want to play and she shies away, and then later insists no one wants to play with her. I can’t figure out how to help her with it. I try to model social behavior by talking to others myself, and telling her that the way you get over being shy is by just talking to people anyway. Not sure what else to do. Any reassurance or compliments seem to bounce off.

Ophelia is going back to her therapist. Think it’s for the best. She’s not happy. Also talked ab switching from Latin to subjects focused on her interests (psychology, culture,...). I think she’ll be surrounded by like-minded kids. The elite school she attends now is really not her style. She was recommended Latin and Classic Greek but I think humane sciences (how we call it here) is really more her passion.

MA, wish I could help. Ophelia always had trouble in groups. :-(

Just a couple of thoughts for MA.

Social interactions among immature kids can be very unpredictable and confusing. Kids can be very random and impulsive, while smooth, confident social interaction requires dependability. 7 year olds are going to vary widely in their maturity, even the same kid from hour to hour.

Your description of her behavior sounds like it's possibly grounded in bad experiences during play with other kids. If it is grounded in one or more bad experiences, just reassuring her everything's really OK won't be a strong enough signal to override the bad feelings that got laid in.

I'd ask her what she feels like when the other kids come up to her and go from there. There's got to be an opening somewhere into figuring out what's happening inside her. The safer she feels, the more likely she can access it and articulate it with you. But, if she can't, don't pressure her.

I think all kids are different. My daughter was similar but now has a big social circle at 11 years old.

My son (almost 9) has never had a problem with it and will always just go and play with a group of kids he doesn't know, even if they don't ask.

Ophelia’s kindergardenteacher warned me that she wasn’t social enough. Even now at 13 she’s a loner. It’s not in her. She’s interested in more “adult” things. I was like her, not interested in a circlecof friends, at that age. But I wasn’t bothered by it. She is. Hopefully she’ll find kids more likeminded. Hence why I want her to switch to other subjects at school (and dump that elite school). We’ll see. :-(

my musician wife has been offered the chance to play in japan as part of a 10-day tour of tokyo and osaka

she'd love to go but it would mean taking our daughter along, who would be 16 months old by the time of the tour, with me tagging along to look after her

it'd be an 11 hour flight from where we are to there, plus waiting times in airports etc

level with me, parents of ilx: is it insane to think you can take a toddler halfway round the world for a week and a half?

I'd ask her what she feels like when the other kids come up to her and go from there. There's got to be an opening somewhere into figuring out what's happening inside her. The safer she feels, the more likely she can access it and articulate it with you. But, if she can't, don't pressure her.

― A is for (Aimless), Saturday, 1 June 2019 23:06 (four days ago) Permalink

This was very helpful advice, thanks. I did ask her about it and it turns out that the problem was that she didn't know the other kids, and she was afraid of the kids she didn't know, not the kid she's friends with. This makes sense, because when she's at parties that are more her friend group she tends to be shy at first but eventually warm up and play. Helping her articulate what she was nervous about made her feel better, and also I tried to accept that I can't just "fix" the problem, that it may take time.

my musician wife has been offered the chance to play in japan as part of a 10-day tour of tokyo and osaka

she'd love to go but it would mean taking our daughter along, who would be 16 months old by the time of the tour, with me tagging along to look after her

it'd be an 11 hour flight from where we are to there, plus waiting times in airports etc

level with me, parents of ilx: is it insane to think you can take a toddler halfway round the world for a week and a half?

― can’t stop thinking about amy adams as crash bandicoot (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, June 5, 2019 9:02 AM (eleven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

in some ways i think it's easier when they're smaller. part of it depends on how schedule/routine-oriented you are, because the routine is going to get fucked up. but it's not insane. my wife took our first kid to france for a week by herself when the kid was like 1.5 years old, and she survived.

We tend to be pretty conservative with what we do with our kids, but I've seen friends do all kinds of stuff with kids that age -- hard hikes with them in backpacks, trips to underdeveloped countries, etc. They can adjust to a lot and if anything they understand less and are less resistant to change than they become a couple years later.

we took our 10 month old halfway around the world for 3 weeks (USA to Turkey), then with kid #3 took her much of halfway around the world (USA to France) again at 10 months. I dunno, maybe we were crazy? it wasn't a big deal. we have traveled soooooo much with kids of all ages now. but we have had no routines difficult to travel and just kinda figure stuff out on the fly (like, where to buy diapers in central Turkey). We've been as a family to Japan, it's easier than Turkey that way!

changing a diaper on a plane is some next-level parenting shit. if you can do that you can do anything.

i just got back from a whirlwind trip to mexico city with my 18 month old. we were nervous about the flights but she was a total peach. snacks, books, ipad, lots of little toys. obviously 11 hours is... twice as long but it'll be fine. also people who get mad about crying babies on planes are fucking assholes. (the guy in front of me put his seat back so my daughter and i just merrily kicked the shit out of it until he angrily looked back, saw the baby, and was properly shamed. thus there's potential for edutainment experiences as well.)

also my anecdotal observations in japan suggest that it's a very kid friendly place. saw lots of kids both tourist and not being very warmly welcomed in restaurants, ryoken, et cetera.

on planes i do the standing diaper change--stand her on the changing table and let her cling to me. this probably won't work when she's a little taller.

we've travelled to Mexico with two (4 & 2) and the most difficult thing was all the freakin' luggage

board books are fucking heavy

thanks folks, appreciate it!

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+to+take+a+tiny+baby+on+a+plane

fuck, owned

we also did an overseas trip with our first when she was 18-months, and did one more with both kids (3 and 7). It's definitely easier when they are out of diapers, for sure. But it's manageable. I would recommend buying a seat for the kid and maybe putting a small carseat in it, if you can swing the extra money -- 16 months is technically still lap infant age but that's a BIG kid to hold on your lap for a flight to japan.

is putting your seat back on a plane considered rude??!

We took our 8 month old from CA to UK for 10 days (8 hour time difference, lots of log drives In the UK). It was extremely difficult but I’m glad we did it because of the people we visited. My wife and I and the baby had an awful time though.

New (in packaging) small toys and those books that are made out of tyvek that weigh nothing. iPad.

Not sure how it would go over with non-US airlines, but I used this on a flight with just me and the kid when he was 18 months and it was great http://kidsflysafe.com/. Pro tip: use some of that plastic webbing they put on shelves to stop baby sliding/slumping on shiny leather seats.

Putting your seat back on a plane should get you life without parole.

what?? i honestly had no idea people cared about that. might need to take this to the "shockingly old when i realized" thread

there are also free bassinet seats on bulkheads for long haul flights. BA is a terrible airline in almost all respects but they do this pretty well. our now 20 month old would never in a million years go in one (small seat, move around a bit for heavy kids, etc.), but we used one for the UK and back when he was 8 months and it was very good.

(you may need to call the airline to reserve seats next to them)

Give them something to drink the second the plane leaves the ground to prevent popping ears, and the same for the descent. I now give chupa chups to our five-year-old, pretty much the only time he’s allowed them. Entertainment-wise, I think variety is key - small new toys to unwrap (as mentioned above), new things and old favourites to watch on the iPad (ditto) with baby-friendly headphones, and make the most of what’s around you - looking out the window, going for a walk along the aisles. Cabin Crew are really good with kids in my experience and when they have time like to say hello to tiny adventurers. Then make sure you have favourite blanket/soft toy because with any luck there will be a long sleep for you all.

And in the words of an elderly, posh bloke we met in a restaurant shortly before our first trip with a six-week-old baby, “if anyone starts tutting at you, fuck’em!”

What NA said: that young is pretty easy. I did it every year (to my parents in Japan).

I do have horror stories. My fault: stuffed’em full of food. Don’t. Do. It. Unless you want vomit. Lol

we were the park yesterday. as soon as we get out of the car a little girl comes up to my kids and asks if they want to play with her (my daughter does, for a little bit at least). after about 10-15 minutes I notice the other kids & parents have left and that this girl appears to be unattended. I ask her how old she is (she's 4) and where her parents are. She says her Mom is "over there" (pointing to an area where nobody is) and that she "was in her Minnie Mouse tent and Dad went to jail". It starts getting late and my kids want to go home, but I decide to stay until someone claims the girl. She winds up peeing her pants and then finds her Mom, about 500 feet away in a car in a parking lot. She goes up to the car and then runs back and tells me "Mom's smoking", pants still wet, and continues to play in the sandbox. I got in the car, drove up to where the Mom was and confronted her (she looked really young, maybe even a teenager still, and was with a few friends), and she yelled "I'm watching her from here, mind your own fucking business"...drove home, feeling kinda shitty about the whole thing...not getting yelled at by a teenager, but rather the situation this girl was in...what do you do here???

i dunno, that sucks

Ouch. That's grim, dude.

That's terrible :(

Child Protection Services. I’m not sure how it works in your country but here the system is pretty good. (They don’t put the child “in the system” and try their hardest to help while keeping parents and child together.) I really think you need to contact CPS. :-( So sad to read this.

Yeah, that definitely crosses the threshold to neglect. Call police, let them handle it. If it’s an isolated incident (unlikely) they’ll screen it. If it’s not, it’s grist for the case they’ll build for social work. Report.

So, my wife and son are going on an overseas school trip for 10 days. I will be taking vacation from work to stay home with my daughter. I'm trying to be good about planning things to do: activities, downtime, playdates, etc. But with their departure date looming, I'm starting to freak out on a couple points:

1. What can I do when she decides that she misses mommy?
2. How do I keep her from getting sick of me?

We're a very close family and we've never tried having one of the parents being gone for longer than one night before, let alone a week-and-a-half. Anyone have any experience around being parents who don't travel and then switching that routine up?

frogbs' post belongs here imo: This is the thread where we judge other people's parenting

xp

xp: Three days in and no signs of actually missing mommy or brother at all. Don't know whether to be relieved or concerned. :D

that's good! How old is she?

Hi ILX peoplemakers, I'm expecting my first child in somewhere between 7 and 10 weeks! I'm sure it's not a big deal right

yeh just a normal day, nothing to crow about nbd

(!!!!!!!!!!!!!! congrats !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Congrats Chuck!

xps to kinder: She's eight. We actually did get to talk to her mom on the phone this afternoon, so that was good.

awesome news chuck - congrats!

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Omfg. My 13 yo decided to cut her own hair in a bob style at 2 am. I didn’t realize till my husband sent me a pic. I find it hilarious. I kept laughing and told my colleagues. My husband was so shocked he couldn’t say anything.

Honestly I’m happy. She’d been feeling down last two years. Now she’s interested in fashion and apparently hair.

I told her she was awesome for cutting her hair.

was not expecting to have a "they grow up too fast" moment this early on but my 4.5 year old just started riding a bike and it got me pretty choked up. he fell his first try but quickly got the hang of it, resulting in me chasing him down the street as he went probably about 8-9 MPH (or thereabouts...I know how fast I can run). at some point I realized I couldn't catch him if he kept going for too much longer and it felt like a moment heavy with significance. eventually I had to just yell "Car coming! Pull over!" cuz I didn't know what to do

parenting is about letting go