GOTTA GO FAST: come uhh' anticipate' the SONIC THE HEDGEHOG movie with me i guess

Maybe the plan was to make the memerificest film all along.

as awful as humanity has been and currently is, i feel like the punishment this movie represents is nonetheless not remotely proportional to our many crimes

You must learn to stop worrying and learn to love the healthy BMI Dr. Robotnik.

nice to see col. tigh's still getting mileage out of being a grumpy guy in uniform

Ugly Dolls movie regretting not going live action.

goddamn smirky eyebrow-raised badass hedgehogs from 28 yrs ago nowadays

eh you gotta hand it to them it takes some real effort to design a hedgehog that isn't remotely cute or appealing

oddly it's "the military chases a poochie" that feels like the biggest piece of 90s nostalgia in that trailer; sonic is incidental

i don't even know what movies i'm thinking of but i swear it was every movie

even the bit with carrey constantly interrupting the other guy feels like something out of a 90s movie

The Mask for example

Eggman is described as a certifiable genius with an IQ of 300.[14] His fondness for machines has also made him a renowned authority on robotics.[29] Ultimately, his goal is to conquer the world and create his ultimate "utopia", the Eggman Empire (alternatively known as the Robotnik Empire, Eggmanland, Robotnikland, or Robotropolis).[30] He selfishly never gives up on this matter and does not care for others' opinions.[14][31]

#goals

The existence of this movie is justified by the following:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hd3_k-OF_aU

i'm still laughing about this, quietly, to myself

I honestly thought that bizarre poster that went viral a month ago was a spoof

I maintain that you will never find anyone who so truly and deeply loathes the very existence of humanity as those who voluntarily work to create the bulk of (non-Pixar) computer-animated kids movies. That trailer is one of the more stark expressions of fathomless misanthropy I've ever encountered.

Also the CGI is so bad it just so obviously looks like a computer graphic superimposed on everything else. The difference between that and, say, Paddington, where its possible to completely suspend disbelief and forget you're watching a CGI character, is massive. TBH even the Detective Pikachu looks more convincing.

Yeah the ca. 2002-level cgi really is the cherry on the sundae of abject contempt. Like they're almost aggressive in their refusal to exert effort.

you're underestimating the outrageous and abusive number of person-hours required to create even bad CGI

Looks dope

i don't even know pic.twitter.com/1hXiGthNGj

— Patrick Gill (@Pizza_Suplex) April 30, 2019

Piiiiiiiiiiissssss

Just checked my suspicion and, yep, the 8-bit Master System version of Sonic from 1991 looks better than this one.

https://wiimedia.ign.com/wii/image/article/896/896255/sonic-the-hedgehog-sega-master-system-virtual-console-20080804003529833.jpg

But don't just take my word for it, feel free to compare and contrast:

http://66.media.tumblr.com/6f2d2759ba2438d72896e1a028f34310/tumblr_muzbwoRcsb1qfn715o1_500.jpg

itt: every fool who ever painted their face blue

Critical support for Jim Carrey, anti-fascist.

His cartoons are somewhat terrifying, as they should be given the subject-matter. Too bad he's an anti-vaxxer.

bad news: were all helpless cogs doomed to ceaselessly perpetuate a machine
good news: the machine is a Sega and were all sonic the hegehog

— wint (@dril) October 18, 2013

Yes but

https://i.redd.it/eghknk0amiv21.jpg

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D5afN8WWsAEu2ln.png

That's Super Sonic, right?

2019 Sonic looks like Dr. Seth Brundle attempted to teleport a toilet brush without checking to make sure that a relatively-fresh (yet rapidly-moldering) corpse hadn't snuck into the first pod at the last moment. You always have to double check, Seth. This isn't a game.

Someone on Reddit calculated precisely how many babies Sonic kills in the trailer.
Jesus Christ pic.twitter.com/TKt5Efyjt9

— Sonic SCANF (@sonicscanf) April 30, 2019

the hero america deserves

And that's not even counting the babies that thing almost certainly ate along the way.

a friend calculated that sonic's EMP blast requires output (over a few seconds) of c.20,084,610kW = 48,203 kWh storage

and that the same could be achieved (give or take the technology), with 183,112,560 lbs of potatoes

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D5aJdfsW4AAHA6h.jpg

the potato america deserves

I live in the densest hospital district in the PNW, and our building still has power when it goes out in the rest of the city, bcz of backup routing for the medical facilities on every other block

try harder next time, blue dude

P sure it's canon that Sonic's powers overcome even backup systems in order to ensure 100% infanticide wherever he goes.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D5b89MNXsAERmld.jpg:large

i don't even know pic.twitter.com/1hXiGthNGj
— Patrick Gill (@Pizza_Suplex) April 30, 2019

― ciderpress, Tuesday, April 30, 2019 7:24 PM (yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lmaooooooooo

the first reply

I don’t get either of those tweets, but I also had not seen the movie Sonic before and am now on the side of any incel manbaby triggered by their childhood being defiled

my bad, I assumed every ilxor has seen this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUz9xCTOPRw

In a time so plagued with divisiveness, I'd like to think we can all overcome our differences and come together as one to declare Movie Sonic an abomination in the eyes of whatever deity one may claim (and also an affront to reason and basic sanity, for those of us on the secular train).

gang, can I just say that the Ready Player One thread got me through some rough patches last year and I'm really sensing promise from this one, so I'd just like to say "thanks ILE"

It's been a while since we had an abject failure like Fyre Festival to bring us all together. This could be the one. Doing God's work, Sonic movie team

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUkF4yRtTyE

CHECK OUT SANIC'S TETS

scene from move has leakde

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4MWN48V0Oac

"Dr. Keller added that the film, unfortunately, appears to present yet another unrealistic depiction of James Marsden."

https://entertainment.theonion.com/experts-praise-upcoming-sonic-movie-for-accurate-depi-1834426041

pic.twitter.com/2ln3Fo2Usl

— Memes 😈 (@memetiddies) April 30, 2019

https://i.redd.it/ovogemms8iy31.jpg

Okay, that is awesome.

Pictured: the Sonic redesign process.

https://i.redd.it/vjdk8qcyujy31.jpg

sonic is good again

Happy birthday, @DannyDeVito!

— Sonic the Hedgehog (@sonic_hedgehog) November 17, 2019

recent apropos of nothing text with a friend of mine:

growing up my sisters and I had hedgehogs as pets so I am esp fond of them. My father bought them for us from a black market Amish dealer behind a long John silvers restaurant and they did nothing but birth babies. Their in-home population at one point hit a critical mass such that the mother consumed the heads of about half a dozen runty ones. V. Formative experience for us

GOTTA BREED FAST

i have suggested she may have been gaslit into nurturing hushpuppies

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCuCpVPkWDY

Sega Cinematic Universe looking marginally more classy than the Marvel one

I was watching TV with one of my kids, and after the Sonic trailer she said "didn't this come out already?"

it has come out already

it is out now

it will be out soon

it will never come out

I stopped at a gas station on the way home after the holidays and, while digging through a bin of cut-rate DVDs, I happened upon a sun-bleached VHS copy of this movie. At first, I felt a sense of deep existential despair toward this thing that should not be, but as I held it in my hand, a warmth washed up my arm and conferred a sense of comfort unlike any I had previously experienced. The Sonic videocassette and I are one now, bonded, an amalgam of flesh and plastic sent forth to deliver the word of Sonic unto the heathen masses. Gotta go fast, my children. Gotta go fast.

Guys.

We got a sequel.

I guess this isn't hell like I thought it was and instead it is heaven.

So, uh, how's the first one?

Well look, they wouldn't make a second one if the first was anything less than stellar. What more do you need to know, really.

Hymen Roth from Godfather 2 is in it

I didn't think the first one was unredeemable to be honest, it sort of hung together well enough. Carrey's level of overacting was just about pitched right, Sonic was just annoying enough, Marsden competent playing against a bit of greenscreen.

A solid 5.5/10. A sequel could go either way.

aldo OTM; the original was tolerable, which basically meant it was about a billion times better than it had any right to be

https://i.imgur.com/LWlewI1.png