This is the inevitable thread for ILxors in their forties

yeah my dad and mom were already acting like their life was over when they were my age.

In a few weeks, I'll be as old as my mother was when my dad died.

i remember writing a paper about them in high school, probably soon after they were arrested. the thing i remember most was the word "wilding". seeing them as adults made me emotional because they are my peers.

It made me feel old because you see them as adults near the end of the series -- and they look fairly old -- and the series, along with so many others now (e.g. season 3 of Riverdale) shows that time as a "period piece" -- like, 1990 is "historical" ... that incident was definitely one of the reasons my mom forbade me from going to college in NYC -- mom logic being: if a nice white girl got raped and almost murdered there, then undoubtedly this will happen to you -- which I realize now was only a year later.

45 here. Firstly I gave up drinking 17 years ago, which I think has been a major factor in not looking as old as my parents did at my age, despite neither of them being big drinkers. But the biggest difference by far is that I walk at least 3 miles a days and do other exercises as well (planking! I should try that again even though it's very hard). I know for certain that neither of my parents exercises at all in their mid 40s. I think that my father bought a tracksuit in the early 80s and went jogging literally twice, but that was it.

um, is the majority of ilx in their forties now? is it all over?

xp - i didn't think they looked old necessarily but knowing what they had been through had aged them in ways the eye both can and can't see made me want to know them better, to watch everything. after watching the ava du vernay series i watched everything else i could find with them speaking as adults -- an interview with oprah, the ken burns doc, anything -- just to see them over and over as adults. they remind me of people i know irl.

um, is the majority of ilx in their forties now? is it all over?
two separate questions! :) what is "it"?

um, is the majority of ilx in their forties now?

nah, pretty sure majority is in their 30s but a significant number are in their late 30s

shows that time as a "period piece" -- like, 1990 is "historical"

I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that the 60s are the same temporal distance from me as a kid as the 90s are to kids now. The 50s were only 30 years before my childhood in the 80s. Now the 80s are basically MORE than 30 yrs ago to kids! The 50s seemed sooooooo ancient to me as a kid. 50s/60s were relatively recent to my parents; "oh yeah the 50s, when I was in high school...good times...that don't seem all that long ago".

How old are you as of Jan 09, 2008?

you can take this and add 11 years i guess? though there's no way there's that many people on here anymore

I have lived my life measured in ILE posts

xp - there are also new people tho

are there

xp to lachera: it's it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG_k5CSYKhg

BTW Mike Patton is 51!

i didn't start posting until 2009 (maybe late 2008) -- there are posters newer than me so ...yeah dude

weird how my health is probably the best it’s been in decades. i hardly ever get colds any more, my back/neck/foot pain issues have receded. the only major issues are things like hair loss, minor hearing loss/noise (which will happen when you abuse your ears) and one of my eyeballs apparently starting to fall apart.

recently a doctor gave me a gentle cholesterol warning, so that (combined with new confidence associated with starting to come out socially) has given me incentive to make some changes: lost around 7 kg, bought a more interesting wardrobe, just generally far more confident and positive about life. i’ve been getting compliments from randos, and some guy on a tram hit on me the other day. stuff i never thought would be in prospect in my mid-40s.

Ha I hear that, AA

one of my eyeballs apparently starting to fall apart

Joe Biden?

I'm in reasonable health but my physical fitness/strength is FUCKED. Years of a sedentary job and bad knees/ankles and not wearing orthotics and not exercising much and now I am struggling to use stairs, get into/out of bathtubs, get up off the floor if I kneel, etc. I'm currently doing some very focussed physio exercises to try and bring things back to normal but I almost feel like I need a cane, and I am not even 50 yet.

USE IT OR LOSE IT YO :|

I hear you on that. I tiled my bathroom floor today and used up approximately 110% of my energy and probably can’t get out of my glider/chair now. Been nice knowing you all.

that’s one of the many reasons i use a standing desk, walk around the office like 20 times a day, get off the tram earlier &c. don’t want my vital bits seizing up just yet.

Ever since I moved to SF in 2015 I've had the real luck of being able to easily walk to and from work each day -- and I'm duly grateful.

The second half of my forties has been an amazing mix - marriage breakdown, going from decent physical shape to pretty nasty back problems, massively better self-knowledge and self-understanding, wonderful new partner who's here for the long haul, absolute best sex of my entire life, very positive changes in friendships, got into new types of music, feel hugely more positive about the future, great relationships with my kids. Many of these things are interrelated of course. Despite many difficulties I feel so much better off than I was at 44. Compared to 40? not so clear an improvement, but I am glad that the way things were headed then, are not how they are now. And I'm looking forward to my 50s.
Oh and speaking as a guy who thought he was in pretty decent shape without needing to be fussy about exercise - please, everyone, find ways to keep up your core strength. I compensated more and more for a weak back and bad posture as time went on, and now it's a crippled mess.

yes agree about core strength

xp I love walking in SF. I used to have to drive miles to work every day, but now it's nice to be able to walk everywhere I want to go

happy to hear you have had those experiences MatthewK

I used to have limits for how far I thought I could walk, but my range over time has really expanded

I’ll be 50 next summer. My forties have been so bad that I don’t even dread turning 50. Kind of looking forward to it almost. There’s no inherent magic to numbers divisible by ten but who knows.

I'm 45. Yesterday I taught my first class of students who are the same year as my (oldest) daughter. It's a little weird!

Contrarian Dickhead Fite! [Started by Darin in September 2019, last updated fifty-six seconds ago by YouGov to see it (wins) on I Love Music] 6 new answers POLL closes: September 20 (in 11 hours)
This is the inevitable thread for ILxors in their forties [Started by Marcello Carlin in August 2008, last updated forty-eight seconds ago by L'assie (Euler) on I Love Everything] 103 new answers

Oops... that was for the Thread Connections thread.

The second half of my forties has been an amazing mix - marriage breakdown, going from decent physical shape to pretty nasty back problems, massively better self-knowledge and self-understanding, wonderful new partner who's here for the long haul, absolute best sex of my entire life, very positive changes in friendships, got into new types of music, feel hugely more positive about the future, great relationships with my kids. Many of these things are interrelated of course.

― an incoherent crustacean (MatthewK)

i hear people talking about how "the millennials aren't having as much sex and the sex they are having is terrible!" and i don't know i always took having an unsatisfying or barely satisfying sex life as being endemic? but i guess it's different because a lot of it for me has been a function of being in a long-term relationship. i don't want to talk about certain things because they're pretty private and because also, you know, people don't necessarily want to hear the gory details (or else think that talking about sex is necessarily a form of flirting, which is pretty uncomfortable in its own way), but not talking about things is a pretty good recipe for unsatisfying sex... talking within the relationship is best, sure, but people in a relationship still exists as individuals with individual desires, and the buildup of emotional baggage in a relationship is a pretty big barrier to just awkwardly blurting shit out without forethought.

main change in my knees is that since i've started bending them properly i have way more crepitus and it's kind of embarrassing.

I moved to a big city when I turned forty and haven't had a car since, and the stair climbing that come along with reliance on public transportation have been a pretty good way to keep my knees in good condition.

xpost-ish When I was in San Francisco last summer I commented to my wife about how many people I saw walking with canes.

Probably more for the Over 50s (maybe?) in this thing but any empty nesters? Thoughts, expectations, disappointments, sudden onsets of regret at things unsaid, advice not given...asking for a friend.

my youngest is 14 & I'm dreading the point when they're all moved out. my kids are my best friends (not including my partner here).

^^^

this week my older daughter (17 in October) started making legit plans to visit colleges and my heart went in my throat. She had to snap me back to attention.

I do worry abt my mental health when this happens...wondering if it might be wise for me to move, too—I don't mean to be nearer to them, but moving my life somewhere else for a major change

I turned 40 a couple weeks ago. About three years ago I really started to notice that "my body just doesn't want to exercise any more, and when I do exercise, my body doesn't really respond the way it used to". Other than that I feel no difference between now and before. I don't have any illusions toward fatherhood, as I once did, and as a result I feel a significant increase of dread about my distance future as an actual oldster. I'm actually going to be 60 and alone! I hope my brothers (all straight, all married, lots of nieces and nephews) still care enough about me to take me in or live nearby when I get to that age.

I don't have any illusions toward fatherhood, as I once did, and as a result I feel a significant increase of dread about my distance future as an actual oldster

I feel this - I'm 40.5 now - but the other way around? It's hugely liberating for me to know I won't have kids, for a thousand reasons. Thinking of "who will take care of me" just isn't on my mind, like at all. But then I cannot fathom myself being 60 either. Likely because there's this slumbering thought that I won't even make it to 60, but mostly I wouldn't want to be a burden on anyone, let alone my own children! Now that there won't be any of the latter, that's one thing less to worry about.

You'll never be alone, not at 60, nor 80. Believe.

You'll never be alone, not at 60, nor 80. Believe.

wanna bet

i wouldn't be as worried about being taken care of / taking care of myself in my advanced years if the boomers etc etc hadn't made my prime earning years a desolate wasteland

I’ll pass... But I don’t think people in general (and fgti in this particular instance) will be left to their own devices. Children aren’t (and imo shouldn’t even be in the first place) the only ‘safety net’ around in the latter stages.

This is getting too grim
Let’s reel it in folks

I’m not trying to spend my remaining good years thinking about how no one will take care of me when I’m old. Need to be able to enjoy today and all that.

dammit i was trying to finagle an invitation to holland when i turn 60

Well, I spent most of my 30s missing the constant social buzz of my 20s— posting here largely as a response to that feeling of loneliness— but that loneliness has dissipated, even as my average number of weekly social engagements continues to wane. (My friends still say I throw the best parties, which is nice to hear.)

I think I’m enjoying being alone more and more as I get older, which is convenient. Even in my relationship, I adore the dude but wouldn’t feel terribly hurt if he decided to leave tomorrow. Self-sufficiency is a rewarding feeling.

One thing that childlessness does offer is that there’s no chance one or more of my kids will disown me. I would imagine that’s one of the most awful things a person could experience. (One of my siblings disowned my father and all it did was make my father obsessed with reconnecting, some 22 years of obsession)

Keep trying! Idk why but I thought you were older than I am LBI??

I still harbour strong illusions of fatherhood, but as my mom told my husband and I a few months ago when the subject came up, "you're getting awfully long in the tooth" (not meant as discouragement; she was just correctly pointing out how much less energy one has for things like raising children as one ages). Mostly it is an issue of getting into a stable place financially before that can happen; I'm working on it but really feeling like I'm running out of time.

I became a parent at 41, it's totally doable/possible

My impression was that the Boomers, a lot of them, had this romantic impression that their kids would love them for the heroes they were and want to be around them forever and take care of them when they got old, and a lot of the people I know don't talk to their Boomer parents. Probably they're wondering how we all turned out so rotten. There's no shortage of things they don't get. The kids today, you know, a lot of them can't tell the difference between me and a Boomer, which is my own fault for spending all that time listening to Pink Floyd probably. Are they going to take care of me when I get older? I mean, shit, they're taking care of me _now_.

Something I wonder about a lot - I don't feel guilt about it, but I wonder about it - was how our generation got the trans thing so wrong. There were real opportunities back then that we didn't take because most of us weren't even close to understanding how it was, and the ones who did understand, I don't know. We didn't or couldn't listen, most of us. The younger generations - not my own kids, I don't have any - but the younger generations aren't going to pay my hospital bills, because they don't have any money to pay my hospital bills with, but in some ways they're better at being kind than I was. Good enough.

tbh I've loved my forties! I know who I want to be and how to project it, am fitter, and have almost reached career goals insofar as they've mattered. Bachelorhood is my destiny, which doesn't stop me from thinking it'd be nice to take care of a guy when I'm older.

I do worry about the planet I'm leaving my nieces and godchild, but I'm no different than any previous generation.

I love that this thread can be a home for me for *checks watch* a little more than six more years

which is my own fault for spending all that time listening to Pink Floyd probably

hush