Kids say the darndest things

kid otm

As I uncorked a bottle of wine:

“You’ve had that all this time?!”
Huh? I just got it last week.
“But it says ‘2018’...”

Our 4 year old apparently thinks the lyrics to her christmas nativity song are "It was on a starry night, when the hills were bright, ugly sleeping, sleeping calm and still".

My five year was talking about Christmas and anticipating opening her presents on Christmas morning and then suddenly says: "I hope Santa doesn't get Covid19"

From a friend's 8 yr old:

Today, when she got home from the dentist.
Me: How did the laughing gas go?
Child: I met Kasey Musgraves.

lmao asked & answered

6yo and his dad were talking about family trees.
6yo: I'll never forget you, daddy
dad: aww
6yo: because I'll write you down on a piece of paper

Opal's been a nightmare, and fighting bedtime, though tonight she did a bit of cute stalling.

Called me back into her room and said

"Daddy, where is starry?"

who's starry?

"The star shape on my ceiling that I stare at every night"

This is the first we've heard of this. I look up, see nothing there.

"Where is starry my star friend, she's my best friend"

I don't know, maybe it's too cloudy.

"Maybe she's sleeping!"

Yes, that's a good guess, she's probably sleeping.

"No Daddy, she's not sleeping...stars are nocturnal"

A few days ago she said looking for shapes in the clouds is looking for "cloud constellations" and today she was making out shapes in the snow which are, you guessed it, "snow constellations"

"Daddy, where is starry?"

maybe she is an ilxor!

> constellations

Hadn't really noticed the stella = star part of this before, otherwise she'd be spot on.

rvw otm

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand) at 10:41 11 Dec 19
last christmas, i pooed in my pants
the very next day, i peed in my pants

oh man. i've been thinking about that one a lot, too.

“Daddy—what’s TikTok?”

🧔🏻🔫

My sister recently got a new kitten called Buttons. 3-year old niece insists that Buttons "Is not a good name for a cat" and that it should be called Stain instead.

Lol

My wife's 3yo niece when her <1yo sister wouldn't go in the wendy house: "get in you stupid bugger"

Haha, that's a riot!

Tweens text the damndest things:

https://i.imgur.com/VsLXF4N.jpg

My sister recently got a new kitten called Buttons. 3-year old niece insists that Buttons "Is not a good name for a cat" and that it should be called Stain instead.

― Specific Ocean Blue (dog latin), Wednesday, December 30, 2020 12:08 PM (six days ago) bookmarkflaglink

Update: My brother also got a kitten at the same time, named Pablo. Pablo is also "not a good name for a cat". Apparently "Pen-ON" (with the emphasis on "ON") is much more suitable.

I want this girl to re-name every cat.

these are my cats, stain and pen-ON

love the vine txt

3-year old niece (Whatsapp Audio message): ""Good morning everybody! Happy New Year! Happy birthday! Merry St Lucia!"

"I don't want any more nightmares! I only want dreams about turtles!"

feeling it

silverfish at 8:43 14 Nov. 17

"Earth is my favorite planet because that's where my friends live"

Update:

"I like Saturn because that's where space unicorns live"

Can't argue with that.

"daddy you know Chris Brown?"

warily.. "yeah"

"is he a lesbian?"

"is he a what?"

"a lesbian. is Chris Brown a lesbian?"

"you know what a lesbian is, right?"

"yeah"

"well, Chris Brown is a man"

"yeah i know. but he looks like a lesbian"

How we say goodnight to the 14-year-old.

I compare B's cat to Buster Keaton

SUNNY: How is she going to know who Buster Keaton is?

ME: Well, hell? How would I know who Buster Keaton is? Dude was famous 50 years before I was born!

SUNNY: Do you know who Buster Keaton was?

B: No.

ME: He was a silent film star. See, when I was born, talkees were already popular.

SUNNY: *sighs*. Do you even know what talkees are?

B: No. But it sounds racist.

So we do co-sleeping :

A: Dad, can I have a little lie in before [my little sister] comes in?
D: Of course.
A: Because your snoring kept me awake all night.

teehee

Opal calls hearing “earsight”

“When a police officer dies they lost the flag a little bit. When the flag touches the ground it means they are all dead.”

(After I tell him he should turn off his wireless mouse to save the battery:)

“You’re a hipo... hipo... hipo... I don’t know the word. It means you never stick with one answer.”

Hypocrite?

“Yeah – I see it a lot in Peanuts.”

my kids use all the slang now. sometimes i hate it. but sometimes it's great. i made some rhubarb shortcake the other night and my 9-y-o goes 'dad this is bussin bussin'

words cannot describe the pride

Speaking of slang, this low-key SE London exchange took place yesterday:

M: Little children are quite funny.
F: Rude! Rude to say that when you’re near a child.
M: You’re quite a big child now, F.
F: No. Big children are pure teenagers.

‘Rude’ has been there for about a month now, but this was the first appearance of ‘pure’.

picking up the glasgow slang from you surely

He gave his father a telling-off for talking Scottish when he’s in England: “You should only speak English in England, Daddy.” That one was hurriedly turned into a Learning Opportunity.

The absolute 100% best thing he says is ‘tooken’ instead of taken. I hope he never stops.

Opal used to call speaking English as talking “regular” as opposed to Spanish. Also a learning opportunity.

When I was very young I used to think women spoke French and men spoke English, based on my parents

I feel like that makes sense.

Looking at Scholastic book club flyer:

Kid: Well well well! Dav Pilkey had announced he was discontinuing Dog Man books – but here’s a new one. Talk about fake news!
Me: Maybe don’t say “fake news”; that’s something Donald Trump made up.
Kid: Really? But I just came up with it… what do you mean?
Me: (??)Uh, OK… I guess it’s all right.

He also didn’t make it up, he just said it a lot

Really? But I just came up with it… what do you mean?

massive lols at this.

Also tho I’m so glad scholastic book orders still exist…i loved that shit

get that kid some Gordon Kormans

'dad this is bussin bussin'

words cannot describe the pride

:D at this and madchen's

My daughter doesn’t like to be line leader in her preschool class, “because people look at my butt.”

She came home from school today and said a girl kept kissing her, and she didn’t like it:

Well, did you ask her to stop?
“Yes… I told her to save her kisses for her mama!”