Kids say the darndest things

oh man. i've been thinking about that one a lot, too.

“Daddy—what’s TikTok?”

🧔🏻🔫

My sister recently got a new kitten called Buttons. 3-year old niece insists that Buttons "Is not a good name for a cat" and that it should be called Stain instead.

Lol

My wife's 3yo niece when her <1yo sister wouldn't go in the wendy house: "get in you stupid bugger"

Haha, that's a riot!

Tweens text the damndest things:

https://i.imgur.com/VsLXF4N.jpg

My sister recently got a new kitten called Buttons. 3-year old niece insists that Buttons "Is not a good name for a cat" and that it should be called Stain instead.

― Specific Ocean Blue (dog latin), Wednesday, December 30, 2020 12:08 PM (six days ago) bookmarkflaglink

Update: My brother also got a kitten at the same time, named Pablo. Pablo is also "not a good name for a cat". Apparently "Pen-ON" (with the emphasis on "ON") is much more suitable.

I want this girl to re-name every cat.

these are my cats, stain and pen-ON

love the vine txt

3-year old niece (Whatsapp Audio message): ""Good morning everybody! Happy New Year! Happy birthday! Merry St Lucia!"

"I don't want any more nightmares! I only want dreams about turtles!"

feeling it

silverfish at 8:43 14 Nov. 17

"Earth is my favorite planet because that's where my friends live"

Update:

"I like Saturn because that's where space unicorns live"

Can't argue with that.

"daddy you know Chris Brown?"

warily.. "yeah"

"is he a lesbian?"

"is he a what?"

"a lesbian. is Chris Brown a lesbian?"

"you know what a lesbian is, right?"

"yeah"

"well, Chris Brown is a man"

"yeah i know. but he looks like a lesbian"

How we say goodnight to the 14-year-old.

I compare B's cat to Buster Keaton

SUNNY: How is she going to know who Buster Keaton is?

ME: Well, hell? How would I know who Buster Keaton is? Dude was famous 50 years before I was born!

SUNNY: Do you know who Buster Keaton was?

B: No.

ME: He was a silent film star. See, when I was born, talkees were already popular.

SUNNY: *sighs*. Do you even know what talkees are?

B: No. But it sounds racist.

So we do co-sleeping :

A: Dad, can I have a little lie in before [my little sister] comes in?
D: Of course.
A: Because your snoring kept me awake all night.

teehee

Opal calls hearing “earsight”

“When a police officer dies they lost the flag a little bit. When the flag touches the ground it means they are all dead.”

(After I tell him he should turn off his wireless mouse to save the battery:)

“You’re a hipo... hipo... hipo... I don’t know the word. It means you never stick with one answer.”

Hypocrite?

“Yeah – I see it a lot in Peanuts.”

my kids use all the slang now. sometimes i hate it. but sometimes it's great. i made some rhubarb shortcake the other night and my 9-y-o goes 'dad this is bussin bussin'

words cannot describe the pride

Speaking of slang, this low-key SE London exchange took place yesterday:

M: Little children are quite funny.
F: Rude! Rude to say that when you’re near a child.
M: You’re quite a big child now, F.
F: No. Big children are pure teenagers.

‘Rude’ has been there for about a month now, but this was the first appearance of ‘pure’.

picking up the glasgow slang from you surely

He gave his father a telling-off for talking Scottish when he’s in England: “You should only speak English in England, Daddy.” That one was hurriedly turned into a Learning Opportunity.

The absolute 100% best thing he says is ‘tooken’ instead of taken. I hope he never stops.

Opal used to call speaking English as talking “regular” as opposed to Spanish. Also a learning opportunity.

When I was very young I used to think women spoke French and men spoke English, based on my parents

I feel like that makes sense.

Looking at Scholastic book club flyer:

Kid: Well well well! Dav Pilkey had announced he was discontinuing Dog Man books – but here’s a new one. Talk about fake news!
Me: Maybe don’t say “fake news”; that’s something Donald Trump made up.
Kid: Really? But I just came up with it… what do you mean?
Me: (??)Uh, OK… I guess it’s all right.

He also didn’t make it up, he just said it a lot

Really? But I just came up with it… what do you mean?

massive lols at this.

Also tho I’m so glad scholastic book orders still exist…i loved that shit

get that kid some Gordon Kormans

'dad this is bussin bussin'

words cannot describe the pride

:D at this and madchen's

My daughter doesn’t like to be line leader in her preschool class, “because people look at my butt.”

She came home from school today and said a girl kept kissing her, and she didn’t like it:

Well, did you ask her to stop?
“Yes… I told her to save her kisses for her mama!”

Speaking of which I think we had a right of passage…explains “gay” to Opal as when a woman loves another woman (among other things) and she yelled out “I’m gay with mama!”

Then we got to try to explain romantic love…

oh dear lol

lol

save her kisses for her mama!

massive lols at this

this is the best thread. thank you all for sharing.

My boy, who is neurodiverse and then some bless him, is the prince of daft questions. I should have kept a log over the years but as it's getting hot, I keep thinking about this beauty.

'What does sunblock do?'

Not to over-explain but I can't honestly think of a better example of economy of language in action.

Good question imo. Does it sun the block or block the sun? Not obvious. Sometimes the verb goes first: pickpocket, scarecrow.

(Older kid, smiling:) “Daddy, I just ate 50 chips…. do you think I’ll throw up?”

One day of summer break down; how many to go?

He was asking earlier what's the difference btw. a dog pound and an animal shelter – me: I guess nothing, a pound is just an older name for the same thing – him: "Yeah, and we don't even use pounds in the United States, we use dollars." I thought that was kinda funny.

lol that's great

I'm sitting here trying to work at the computer; he's flipping through these I SURVIVED books he borrowed from a friend. Then he keeps coming over and asking me things like: Daddy... Who - or what - attacked New York on September 11, 2001?

Can we, like, have that conversation a little later; and not right at this moment when I'm trying to get this email out, please?

daddy? can jet fuel really melt steel beams?

The boy was cracking me up the other night, saying how embarrassing it would have been for the first pilot had he missed and just gone between the two towers.