making our way back: reclaiming queer space in the SPRING of 2021//LGBTQIA+ Vaccine ed.

A date -- a real one -- this Wednesday.

Oh! Dinner? Who is it?

my boyfriend and i stayed in palm springs for a few days over the weekend. we had a really good time overall. we stayed at one of the older, smaller clothing optional places. i found it really easy to relax there. the room was a little older, apparently the last on the property that hasn't had a remodel. 8 rooms total.

the majority of the other guests were 60+. we chatted with just about everyone. had a more extensive chat with a couple from seattle. nice enough but it was sort of weird to have a conversation where the other couple has more hang-ups / is generally more conservative than you are. i used to be the uptight one, lol. i always forget that, outside of utah, gays perk up when they find out that you were mormon, it's a turn-on, i think it must be the magic patriarchal cult vibe. i'm so over it, though, i refuse to talk about it in that way so i just clam up or change the subject.

other things: it's fun to get attention! this is not bragging but i lift a lot, i'm muscular, and the boys notice. i wore these short mesh gym shorts everywhere. someone stopped their car to compliment them. we went to world gym on sunday morning - super old gym with the non-round plates that you can't deadlift with (but i made it work anyway). tvs were playing bodybuilder footage which was hilarious. i felt a little bit like i was a sausage thrown into a dog park haha.

a few impressions about palm springs: the desert there is very beautiful. we saw a stunning exhibit (agnes pelton) at the art museum that had just opened up. the main drag is too bougie for my tastes. all the restaurants are mediocre. i've been to palm springs 3-4 times now over the last 15 years or so and it seems to be a rule. they all get 4.5 stars or whatever but they're all bad. it's really weird tbh.

i feel lucky to be able to have gone since i've had a few years of bad breaks before this last one. it's kind of breathtaking how much wealth there is there. coming back to utah felt particularly grim. the slc airport did an expansion during covid and it's a total nightmare. we had to take a shuttle from the plane and then walk 20 minutes to get out.

oh, we went out on friday night, to the toolshed. it was a mistake tbh. everyone at tables all spaced out in the rear parking lot, cliques staring at each other. no one wanted to talk and the ones that did were bores. we both drank too much and flirted with the barback then stumbled home.

and the dj was awful

i have friends who went to that agnes pelton exhibit over the weekend, it looks amazing. i love that museum!

if i've eaten in PS i have literally no memory of it so you're probably right about the food. the gay bars can be fun/trashy. although i went to their equivalent of the eagle once (forget the name) (xp ha it was the toolshed) and def saw some leather gays rocking 'blue lives matter' paraphernalia, which ugh. we went to one of the clothing optional resorts there once but the day we went it was a ghost town.

i really wanna get more into lifting but i'm afraid to attempt it by myself. my workouts have been pretty blah lately, except for the ones i do at home by zoom with a teacher. have truthfully been pretty unhappy with my body over the past year and would like to put more work into it. turns out nine straight months of drinking every single day has deleterious effects on your physical and mental health? who knew? (since the new year i've cut my drinking down to weekends only)

On my first weekend out as a fully vaccinated gay, I went to my favorite bar, sat outside, and watch the crowd for a while. Then I texted my buddy and his fiancee, dining a few blocks away with a friend of theirs. This friend was a rangy thirtysomething with shaved head and we hit it off immediately. He mentioned he's been down, though: he and his wife just divorced. "Oh, that sucks, sorry," I said. He shrugs and says, "Guess she didn't think I meant it when I said I was bi."

At that point I was like haiiiiii. I texted my buddy seated across from me: would Bi Guy mind at all if I...? "Not at all. Think he wants it" came the response. By the end of the night, we'd exchanged social media info and, after I was home, made plans to meet for drinks tomorrow night.

That was Friday. On Saturday I went out, this time solo, and got my first blowjob in 14 months. We need to figure out a post-COVID argot, gays. I had to ask, with all the phony cheer I could muster, if he was jabbed. He smiled archly and pulled out a folded crinkled vac card from his wallet.

Having hands on you feels nice.

yay!

Fitness wise, I gained some weight over the winter because I simply wasn't bicycling as much and was drinking much more, but now that it's warmer out, I'm shedding it. Strangely, though, some of my shirts have become too tight around the shoulders, which I think is because of the pull-up regimen I was sticking too for a while?

In any case, I've been bicycling and going to the climbing gym again, and feel great about it.

living within easy biking distance of a gym with an outdoor area has been my major saving grace over the past year

The trouble I've had with Bi guys is that heterosexuality is the single biggest turnoff.
On a hypothetical level, it's no problem. I've had that happen where Bi Guy says "did I ever tell you I'm bi?" and it seems like he wants it and soneone says "let's hang out" and this is going well. But then at some point i see Bi Guy engaging in heterosexual behavior with a girl and ewwww no, i can't anymore, you ruined it.
idk what's wrong with me.

No I totally get that! It's a weird combination of turned on and off. Also I am very glad to see such content updates around here.

map, your trip sounds fun. Today is the first day I feel like anything that anyone should look at in months so I appreciate the self-appreciation.

I guess I'm supposed to start meeting guys in person now?? Oof...

I was excited that USA trip might involve "lots of exercise and socialization" but no, I was a studio rat the whole time, and gained 10 pounds in a month (I love soft-shell crab)

Absolutely zero hrony feelings these days but I'm looking forward to going home this weekend, having my dude cuddle me through the night

On a hypothetical level, it's no problem. I've had that happen where Bi Guy says "did I ever tell you I'm bi?" and it seems like he wants it and soneone says "let's hang out" and this is going well. But then at some point i see Bi Guy engaging in heterosexual behavior with a girl and ewwww no, i can't anymore, you ruined it.

idk what's wrong with me.

― Adoration of the Mogwai (Deflatormouse)

otm. My failed date last night had this ewww at its root.

Ah sorry to hear about a failed date!

Well I’m not that excited to go from “socializing reasonably in a largely vaccinated city” to “entirely quarantined for two weeks in my home city”. The price of travel!

Ouch yea, I have to plan a trip soon. I haven't been out of the country since I got my citizenship last year, I think I might go to Mexico City. flambo did you at least get a lot of work done in the studio? Remind me where home is?

I did, I was a total studio rat for the past months ot lots done, didn't socialize much at all. I did go to a mall with a couple of friends! It was hilariously overwhelming, I was exhausted after being there for 30 minutes. I live in Toronto for now but I'm planning a relocation this year, the city's amenities do not justify its ridiculous cost of living

*the past month, got lots done

Oh i totally hear you. I had a panic attack at lunch the other day and i knew i needed to brush up on my social skills in a hurry. My job is very social and we are in the middle of spring performances
But yes, i will also concur that the past year has allowed for a new sense of connection with my own studio (if you can call a full size Yamaha keyboard, an amp and a tuner a studio. Oh and a set of chimes) which was sort of life changing
Seeking that balance of being s total klutz and introvert and being able to function in society...

I go to the mall on the reg, it's one of my happy places

What have you been working on?

Brass and string arrangements, the opening credits music for something for the BBC. It's actually been a lot of good music, good exciting stuff!

I have weird thoughts right now but I'm quarantined by myself in a shitty quarantine hotel so I guess it's OK if the thoughts are weirder than normal

Tell me about your thoughts

Well, the biggest thought I had was this, I guess:

I read an article on them. and they were repeating the oft-spoken assertion that "when all of ~this~ is over, we're gonna pop OFF, we're gonna be MAKING OUT IN PUBLIC," and so on. I think the opposite is true. I think we're all going to have a really hard time adjusting back to normalcy. I think most of us will be having to overcome dependence on internet-based connections, overcome new or renewed social anxieties, and so on. I think it's gonna take a long time for us to get back to normal and it's not gonna be people entering into party mode right out of the gate, that's all

Mmmm
Yeah i mean I'm going to fire island in July and I'm wondering how that's gonna go
I hope people don't act like idiots
I m thinking I'll go to my regular bar in a couple of months to see what that's like but probably not before then
I had my first hookup since months today but sadly the chemistry wasn't so hot!
Almost worse than going without...

I'm only a few weeks away from a long-delayed wedding reception/party and I'm putting together a play/do-not-play list for the DJ. But I basically said to him, "Whatever they'd be playing at Pride where all the older folks are gathered? That's what I want played."

haha. tea dance aesthetic 💯

i'm trying to prepare for a little dj set in june where i don't embarrass myself too much. i'm starting with that basically.

LOL yeah, your post reminded me to mention that in the gay thread because it's really the only gay thing in my life atm.

"Tea dance aesthetic" is probably perfect but the DJ is straight, so I'm already pushing it.

putting the playlist together was definitely one of the best parts of wedding planning. i actually really loved picking the songs we *didn't* want played lol

the funny thing is i only remember like, five songs that actually got played on the dance floor at my wedding because that day was such a blur (in a good way!). but robin s' "show me love" and bruce's "dancing in the dark" were highlights.

Yeah, the do-not-play list is pretty fun to pick too. Resisting the urge to put each and every ABBA song on it because I know one of my best friends is a huge ABBA fan so I'll allow ... one. So long as it's "The Winner Takes It All."

i love ABBA and "dancing queen" was on our do-not-play list iirc

also i really, really miss DJing for a crowd and hope i can somehow do it again soon

I didn't realize we had so many DJs around here! So sexy 😎

it would be really cool to do a b2b with donna rouge some day

that would be a dream!!

😎

♥️

Hey this is more downtempo but, have u guys ever heard of casino v japan? Highly recommend!

I also used to DJ, though now I mostly traffic in mixes of weird music. Here's my mixcloud: https://www.mixcloud.com/deepbreakfast/

(Not too much there recently, but I have some things planned for this summer)

Djs unite! I’m doing this guest mix for the local crew and they want to ask me if I consider myself a queer dj and what i think about lgbtqia+ culture in dance music and I have no idea how to respond lol. Like idk i like loleatta holloway?? Haha. Thinking of just saying i myself am pretty basic but everyone should read terre thaemlitz on the subject, or something.

Grrrrrrl you name droppin' folks i haven't even heard of! Queerer than It

Queerer than I*

I don't think It was queer 🙂

haha i forget how it comes off to do that. my answers to this q$a are long and rambling and i've got to trim them down. don't want to be "too much."

terre thaemlitz is interesting on identity and capitalism in djing but she's a little doom and gloom imo.

i'm getting older and i'm cis and masc presenting so i can't really claim to represent a larger queer culture which is sort of sus anyway. i'm really inspired by the freedom younger people are claiming in presenting flexible gender identities. for me, it's as simple as i like gender trouble in songs and avoiding toxic masc in my sets.

what i think about lgbtqia+ culture in dance music

I have a lot of thoughts on this! Twenty years ago I was made fun of at school for being into house and techno and disco, now I go clubbing and see coked-up hetero lads starting fights and being mad aggressive in venues and it doesn't feel like a culture for LGBTQIA+ any more

^^^ exactly why mainstream club culture fucking sucks

yeah totally. why does brutality have to claim every peaceful little niche nowadays. the second i encounter that vibe i'm out tbh. the local crew has had their moments of not-very-welcoming behavior ime so i'm a little wary. it would be really nice to find a situation at a bar where the owners are like-minded about this kind of stuff but that seems very rare, i don't know that i've ever seen it. i feel too old, burnt out and broke to be throwing my own parties tbh.

hey. I have no idea where to post this so, I hope this alright.

So...I have this friend. We've been buddies since middle school, so probably about 20 years at this point. We've drifted apart over the years but we were really close at one point - we were roommates, we had all the same hobbies, we did everything together. Anyway at some point about 7 years ago he calls me up and says he wants to chat. I know exactly what it's about - he's coming out to me. We all kinda knew it about him but he never wanted to say anything. I was really proud of him in that moment, not just for accepting who he was but also because he was using it as a springboard to change his life...he was 26 and always intended to go to school and make a career but things always got in the way. He told me he was applying to schools and was planning to move to a more liberal area like Madison because he wanted to be accepted. He also swore me to secrecy because his parents could not find out - they were deeply religious and he felt they would disown him if he came out.

Unfortunately, we had a very good mutual friend who overdosed a few months later, and it kinda threw things into chaos. We all took it hard but he good it especially hard, probably because he had the same substance abuse issues, and they actually knew each other since 4th grade. He became insular and odd, never really talking about his feelings or really saying much at all. When he did, it was these bizarre manic episodes he'd have, where he'd look you in the eye and claim he was the second coming of Christ...real freaky shit. He was living with another friend of mine and eventually got booted out for being so eccentric and unreliable - basically was told he had to go back to his parents, something wasn't right with him, I don't know what you need but I can't give it to you (is this a Pet Shop Boys tune?). Which he did, and he actually got his life together...somewhat. He got clean and healthy but also became deeply religious, like his parents. His Facebook has been virtually nothing but Bible quotes for the last few years (fwiw, he hasn't gotten into the Christian propaganda social media sphere, and actually has been weirdly ignorant about world events in general).

Anyway, flash forward to yesterday. We're at our monthly poker game (which just started up again thanks to the vaccine) and at some point late at night the conversation gets weird and spiritual. He never talked a whole lot about his religious beliefs at the game but he really started opening up. And at some point the topic of homosexuality came up (I was the only person there who he'd come out to) and he went off, talking about how immoral and sinful it was, and how it was a sign of bad character, and what's to prevent people from identifying as a guy who robs banks, blah blah blah. And at this point the whole table starts arguing with him, like hey I know gay people, who gives a shit, there's nothing wrong with two consenting adults, etc. And I kinda go off on him, telling him to stop equating that with morality, that people are just wired different, and that's why SOME of us had substance abuse issues and others didn't, even though we all did the same shit. It's not that we have better morality or willpower it's that people have certain genes and that's just the way it is (I'm also like 7 beers deep at this point). And he talks about his struggles with homosexuality, that he thought he was gay and realized he was just giving into temptation, and it occurred to me that he probably thought ALL men had those feelings at some point, and that his indulgence (or whatever he's done?) was some grand failing. I basically tell him (in a thousand words) to go be gay, that being at war with yourself is only going to lead to ruin, that he's never going to find peace if he's trying to deny who he is. And now I feel kinda awful, because I feel like I crossed a line, and that maybe he's NOT gay after all, and maybe he thinks we're all judging him for how he feels. But nobody else is going to say anything to him! He's surrounded himself entirely with religious people outside of this one monthly poker game (which is the only remaining semblance of his past life)! He's been a line cook for 15 years and I know damn well he has the potential and the desire to do so much more, and I think now this may be the thing holding him back. He still has this plan to get married to a woman and have kids and there's just no fucking way. In my opinion as a straight guy who should probably keep his mouth shut, if he doesn't confront this he's gonna be miserable his whole life. What do I do in this situation???

I don’t know that there’s much you can do really, unless he wants to keep talking about it, but it sounds like you said the right thing to me. Hope he keeps going to the poker games.