How do you help a friend who's in an abusive relationship?

Venting and general stressful shit to follow, sorry!

I don't know if this belongs in this thread or the burnout thread or the cops suck thread or what, but my cousin's abusive ex burned her house down yesterday. It wasn't insured (a cabin with a wood stove so not really insurable), and she's devastated of course, and it doesn't seem like the police are going to do anything about it because he at least claims to have burned it down by accident. And because she's poor and the cops and fire marshal just don't care.

I know this isn't about me but I just wanted to vent about it because I was already feeling just on the edge of being overwhelmed by work. My first formal observation is tomorrow, and my first vacation since I started this job begins on Saturday, so I was looking forward to getting the observation behind me and then collapsing. But now my cousin's going to be showing up at my house and I'm just a big ball of stress about how awful things are.

I lived in that house for the six years I was in Alaska. (It's a duplex; we each rented a side, then my cousin bought the place and I rented from her for a bit.) It was a weirdly palatial shack, with tons of character. A huge picture window, high ceilings, a sauna, a balcony greenhouse, terrible insulation, no running water. I put in a double-sided wall of bookcases to divide up the upstairs, and my dad built me a bed. Hard to believe it's all gone. (Not asking for sympathy, btw; I've been gone for three years and I don't feel like my house burned down or anything; it's all just taking some processing. And I don't feel like I have a lot of processing time right now.)

<3 LD i'm so sorry

Thanks <3

That makes me so angry. He telegraphed what he would do because he knew he'd get away with it.

I'm so sorry, for you and your friend :(

Thank you Neanderthal. The thing is, he may be telling the truth. It's really easy to burn down a wood-heated cabin if you're high and not paying attention. But either way, he forced her to leave her home and then went into it without permission and burned it down. Whether it's deliberately or through negligence, it wouldn't have happened if he weren't constantly threatening her life. But that's prob not the way the marshal and cops are going to see it.

What an arsehole. Is she angry?
That's shockingly bad, I'm so sorry.
Hope you can mentally put it to one side until your observation is over. Good luck.
It's obviously a threat, btw. Has she been reporting any of his behaviour?

I am shocked to read this. My feelings of shock come mostly from the fact that you'd specifically cited this as being a worry, months ago. I hope your cousin is getting a restraining order.

She hasn't been reporting any of it up till now because she was scared that if she did anything to antagonize him further he would burn her house down. Now I think she's mostly angry at herself for not doing more to get him out of the house. I keep telling her it's not her fault; once he started making threats she was in a bind.

he's absolutely not telling the truth. i hope she's able to get far away from him asap, cut off all contact, new phone, etc. can she find a relative he doesn't know about to stay with far away? (Is that you?) it sounds like he doesn't know where you live, that there's some distance between him and where she is now? this is a really dangerous situation imo. she needs to disappear from him and then possibly consider the restraining order from more safe, stable and removed place. not familiar with all the details here, just my gut reaction. i think maybe you need to not be the only person supporting her, are there any other friends and family who can help?

he's absolutely not telling the truth.

And, meant to add, Lily Dale she is so fortunate to have your amazing support. And I also agree with map that she needs more (and you need to not be holding all the burden). You can search for local resources on www.the hotline.org and find someone who she can tell her story to and help her out it in context, generate next steps, figure it what is actionable for her with consequences for him, etc.

i hope she's able to get far away from him asap, cut off all contact, new phone, etc.

this is absolutely the best advice possible. women are murdered by their abusive ex-husbands with tragic frequency. in earlier posts you said she wasn't ready to cut him completely out of her life, yet. i hope to god she's more than ready to now, because without that willingness there's little that anyone else can do to remove her from mortal danger.

Thanks, everyone. I didn't post here for a day or so because nothing was happening and it was so dispiriting realizing that the fire marshal and the cops were determined not to do their jobs. As in, the fire marshal had decided it wasn't arson without even looking at the place, and the cops were like, "well, she didn't have a restraining order so there's no evidence of abuse." Luckily we have an uncle who's a (mostly retired) judge in the state, so he's doing his best to make some calls and talk them into taking it seriously. Seems like he may be making some progress, but it's all moving very slowly at best.

She is safe, though; she's been away, staying sometimes with me, sometimes with other people, since the summer. But since she left very quickly, she wasn't able to rescue any valuables or even bring her winter clothing with her, so she's really got nothing.

I had a stalker once and had to move several times to get away from him.

I got a phone call one afternoon at work from the landlord saying they were moving me to a new place. They took me seriously.

But the cops wanted me to come up with an address for him and I couldn't and they were pressuring me to name this other guy who I knew was innocent.

A few weeks into my stay in the new building, I came down to the lobby to find glass all over the floor.

Every window in the lobby had been smashed in and the landlord's office was ransacked. We knew it was him, but he never got arrested. The cops wanted to treat it as "one of those things", a simple burglary.

After that, I lived with my sister until my lease was up, then I moved into the upstairs at my parents' old house. Since the phone and bills weren't in my name, the situation died down.

It is so demeaning to have to beg social services for help. There just aren't enough resources, and people often treat victims like they are lying, "crazy" or exaggerating.

I had a friend who slept IN A CHURCH after someone broke into her trailer and kidnapped and murdered her daughter.

You would think no one who suffered such a loss would have to spend one night in a church. She lived there for TWO MONTHS until people from church found her a place and bought furniture for her. I gave her a bunch of my old clothes. I wish I had more to give.

But no one should have to go through this. We are barbaric as a society that anyone living in fear of someone should have this burden.

I wish I could help your friend. I will pray, in my own way, for strength for both of you.

Thank you so much for that post, I M Losted, and I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. I'm so sorry you went through that, and it's just infuriating how little there is for survivors of something like that. My cousin loses everything she has, and the Red Cross throws her a few hundred dollars and the local women's shelter sends her a self-care wheel telling her to get acupuncture.

I haven't posted on this thread in a few days just because there's nothing to add; no updates, no progress. Hopefully we get some kind of news soon.