Kids say the darndest things

joe - i like to make jokes, to make people happy. i just want people to be happy.
ivy - well, i'm not that way. i'm all for fighting.

girls are apparently “beanies”

oh dag our secret is out!

lol it has apparently been used this way for 20 years according to urban dictionary smh

Opal just came up to me and said “which one do I like better? This pen with the pink furry ball and a unicorn attached to it…or this boring pink pen”

At least that time I knew the right answer.

thinking our daughter is asleep i try and creep out of her room. she sits up looking concerned.

"dad, i'm scared."
"of what?"
"crazy frog."

daughter ledge otm

told the 8yo and his friend that they could play roblox on their ipads but only if neither of them used the words 'epic' or 'balls' and they freaked out because they knew such a thing was impossible

i was just fucking with them of course because i also knew this was impossible

I introduced my 5 year old daughter to BRODYQUEST the other day. as I expected she absolutely loved it and wanted to watch it a dozen times in a row. over Christmas I saw her explaining the "plot" of the video to one of her cousins

this morning before I dropped her off for school she looked at me and said "Dad, is Adrian Brody real?"

Me: I should have scrambled these eggs instead of poaching them.

9yo: Upon the past, we look and we mourn.

lol amazing

That’s brilliant

my youngest asked me one of those classic unanswerable questions the other day that there is just no good answer for: dad, why are anthrax considered one of the big four?

loool

absolutely otm

I mean, Anthrax had riffs for days, were righteous, relatable, and wore fun shorts. Not to turn this into a debate in the kids' section, but if I were to swap out a big four member, I'd boot Slayer for Testament.

Replace Megadeth with Helmet, Metallica with Primus

When mine was really into metal like six months ago, he loved metallica (he said he is going to get a metallica forearm tattoo some day), liked slayer but thought they were maybe too scary / serious, and hated joey belladonna and dave mustaine's vocals.

Now he just wants to listen to people rap about naruto on youtube

On reflection, I think NickB's youngest is otm.

5 yr old holding up a Haribo heart - "Mum, you are.... *shoves heart in my face* -ly"

Me: Ahh thanks!

5yo: Now I'm going to eat your heart and you'll be dead.

Ha!

Apparently my daughter asked at bedtime last night - "How old was Abraham Lincoln when he started Kentucky Fried Chicken?"

(leaving the house this morning, a small grey plastic bin has deposited itself on the front lawn, presumably blown in from a neighbour’s garden)

ME: oh look, a grey plastic bin

MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: a grape bastard bin?!?

ME: oh no

lol

Opal's finally really into reading, and asking all the time "what's that mean" after reading things. The other day she says "There's a sign in our classroom that says Not Ice". Wife and I were very confused and spent minutes asking, is there usually ice? Are you sure that's what it said? Why would it say that.

Finally it hit me and I said "are you sure it doesn't say Notice:" and she says "NO, it says NOT ICE. N. O. T. I. C. E., not ice"

So I ask her if there's a space between the T and the I and says no.

"Chickens are nice! They give us eggs! Why do we eat them?"

Not wrong

Facebook memories resurrected this peach for me today, from when N was four and a half:

Popped in Sainsbury's to get some bits for tea.
"Why is daddy buying so many things? He said we just needed pizza and a pepper and now he has bread and all sorts of other things. He is such a dick."

hahahahaha

“Daddy, who’s the owner of Facebook?”
Well, its founder is a guy named Mark Zuckerberg.
“Oh yeah… I get his name confused with that blimp.”
What blimp?
“You know, that famous blimp that caught fire…”

Mark Zeppelinberg

lol

if someone disbelieves you:

"mums! mums bro!!!"

short for "mum's life" eg "i swear on my mother's life"

Opal (age 6) came home today and decided to write some song lyrics. Says it’s not done yet. Yes we’ve been listening to the Ramones. Yes we are very proud.

text reads:

"I wana wana wana do it now!
But I can't I wana wana
wana dot now!!!!

But I can't yeah
Yeah I can't I just can't
I want to eat all the candy
but I can't yeah yeah

I just want to play all the"

It ends there. She's still working on it.

third line should read "do it now"

Mine did a Dua Lipa parody:

If you don’t want to see me pooping on somebody

lmao

10you daughter apropos of nothing: "You know that song, The Monster Mash? People should only have to hear that once in their life."

ha. I had weird hatreds of things as a kid too. Grease soundtrack and Abba in particular. No idea why.

tbf i was that kid who despised ABBA because my only knowledge of them was being played at weddings i had no say in attending.

I think mine was because of this one girl I hated at school liked them?

God I'd be so miserable if I'd only have gotten to have hear the Monster Mash once in my life.

ok this is annoyingly pvmic* i guess but as a kid i disliked that this guy was creating a monster on a slab and the eerie sight was when it came alive -- why was he building it if not to come alive!?

*also it belongs on the "according to me *i* said the darndest things as a kid" thread -- except i don't think i ever voiced this complaint till now

The eeriness is in that the monster, which the scientist previously thought to be under his control, rose of its own accord in order to engage in a dance craze.

Monster Mash gets better every time I hear it

darlene love on backing tracks iirc. not her best work.

my son has changed his Apple ID username to 'rasting clart'

“Daddy, are you familiar with the show Seinfeld?”

LOL