Sex Droughts

yes. i wrote something earlier to the effect that 'you need out of this and to help matters it seems to have already become just a friendship', but deleted it because that's too abrupt and callous and i don't know either of you really, but if the suggested steps don't pay off then you've got to be good to yourself, no matter how heartwrenchingly difficult that sounds

it doesn't need to be that but this is not one of those things one person in a relationship gets to decide and there is no real way to avoid that imo. its a long struggle to keep something like this as as something that needs attention and effort and thought and care but ime its no different to lots of aspects similarly critical to a good relationship there, we just get funny about arguing/talking about it because it's sex and even the non catholics get vulnerable and weird about saying i need/i cant to the other in this realm

Ian I actually wasn't being glib, sorry if it came off that way.
I don't want to talk about it in a public forum though, I'll email you if yr ILX email works.

If your wife is taking an SSRI for depression, adding in Wellbutrin/bupropion can help with libido.

this is not one of those things one person in a relationship gets to decide

I'm assuming you mean that "the relationship continuing without sex" is not what one person gets to decide, right? Because not having sex absolutely IS something that one person gets to decide. Nobody is owed sex, regardless of whether you're in a relationship or not. However, the party who does want it has the right to decide whether or not that's a deal-breaker.

I guess the big question is whether she wants to overcome the sex drought or not. And by that, I don't mean if she's willing to put out to please you, but if she wants to work on the mental/physical issues that are in place. It's working out not whether she wants sex, but whether she wants to want sex, if that makes sense? That could take a long time and be a cause of a lot of shame and stress in itself (it feels shameful to not want sex with your partner, it really does) so I understand the desire to enter avoidance mode, but if it is an issue for you then it needs to be addressed no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Just1n3 has been way more OTM on this thread than I could hope to be, so listen to her.

I agree that nobody owes sex to anyone else but am I wrong in thinking that refusing to have sex with your partner for an extended period of time while also expecting them to stay in a monogamous relationship with you is abusive in its own way? Like if something happened to me where my libido was just zero for a year-plus I feel like I'd have to at least give my wife the option of opening things up.

I mean, or not, if you know you're the sort of person who couldn't handle that and the relationship wouldn't recover.

yes emil.y hope that was clear but no harm at all spelling it out

Depends on the relationship, depends on the people in the relationship, depends on the reason for lack of sex, depends on the communication and boundaries of the people within the relationship. I can see situations where it could be used as a form of abusive control, I can see plenty of situations where it's not even close.

Also, while 7 years is a very long time, a single year? If you were physically unable to have sex with your wife for one year you'd be fine with her having sex with other people? I mean, that mostly sounds like you'd be fine with having an open relationship in general, which is cool, but a lot of people aren't really up for open relationships.

that's all an xp to frogs

darragh - I figured you didn't mean it the other way but it definitely could have read like that!

Maybe just delete the whole revive, lol

ok yeah I suppose it all depends a lot on the exact situation. idk if I'm a guy who's fine with an open relationship as much as I'm the guy who just says he'd be totally cool with it :)

If you were physically unable to have sex with your wife for one year you'd be fine with her having sex with other people? I mean, that mostly sounds like you'd be fine with having an open relationship in genera

uh, a year is a long time to go without, assuming you are cohabiting ... though, it definitely feels like in this thread there is a broad variety of what constitutes "a long time" ... so I think we are back to the "it depends on the people" metric

the 1 year itch idk seems pretty fuckin hasty to me anyway

Sex drought, isn't it nice, ih wait no never mind

― a black white asian pine ghost who is fake (Telephone thing), Tuesday, September 21, 2010 5:39 PM (twelve years ago) bookmarkflaglink

lol - sex dwarf was the song it called to my mind

― sarahel, Tuesday, September 21, 2010