ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

I recommend that you take time to get her evaluated ASAP. Both of my kids have it, and they’re doing well without medication but it takes a lot of management for both of them (nothing agains meds, my kids can’t tolerate them). But in middle school testing becomes more intense and the accommodations your kid will get can be useful. The only accommodation my kid takes advantage of is the extra time for testing which helps a lot, especially with math.

The process is a pain in the ass but it’s worth it, and it can also change the nature of your “nagging” and how it’s perceived.

Yeah, understood. My plan is to see how things go for the first couple months of the school year. My involvement with her education last year had me at the breaking point, but I want to see if it was just a blip.

From a teacher's point of view, I'd definitely chase it up. Having at the very least a profile will alert teachers in the short term, and it will open up possibilities down the line for extra time etc. In the UK, awareness of ADD has changed hugely in the last few years and while some teachers struggle with adapting discourse, classroom arrangements and flexibility with homework etc, you'll most will be totally on your side.

As a parent, I wish we'd got it sorted sooner! We have things called EHCPs in the UK (Education health and care plans) and in some cases these run right up the age of 25, meaning classroom adaptations and exam concessions are supported by law - into university and beyond. We should totally have got our shit together and sorted this earlier.

Lastly - with both hats on - I'd say give yourself and your daughter a break. This will sound platitudinous, but I genuinely don't think you should sacrifice your relationship, or your health, for shitty schoolwork.

Replacing ‘you’ with ‘poo’ while singing along to the radio never gets old:

Last night you were in my room/and now my bedsheets smell like poo

Everything is pointless without poo

The 18 year old is going to Cambodia for a holiday next month, having developed an online relaysh with a lovely Cambodian girl over the last year or 2. God I hope it doesnt end in disappointment for him - Ive been there done that twice! - but either way, this'll really grow him up a bit. Both the stepkids are a bit ... well, they dont know or care to do anything like cooking, washing their own clothes, cleaning up unless demanded... typical teens I guess. Id've got them into all that years ago (I'm sick of seeing young women have to date men who just assume their women will do everything mum did) but as per, I'm not their mother so.

After four kids, I am about done getting teens to do much of anything, including getting up in the morning. Now that I'm down to the last one, I keep most of my powder dry for those few battles that actually matter.

LOL Mr 18 will get up at 5Pm if left to his owm devices. Its a bit worrying actually, I dont want his cicadians to get all upside-down.

I think their circadians are mostly self-adjusting. School schedules, of course, are not (although my 13-year-old's school does have the wisdom and humanity to let them start an hour later at least once a week).

Both the stepkids are a bit ... well, they dont know or care to do anything like cooking, washing their own clothes, cleaning up unless demanded... typical teens I guess. Id've got them into all that years ago (I'm sick of seeing young women have to date men who just assume their women will do everything mum did) but as per, I'm not their mother so.

Yeah, with my stepson, my wife was really stuck on not giving him any chores to do when he was younger, and I really wasn't able to get her to see it any other way. Fortunately, he's developed his own work ethic and sense of responsibility. Cleans up after himself and does his own laundry consistently, at least.

With our daughter, I gave her a regular chore a few years ago and she's been great about it. I'm thinking about adding another one soon.

I got talked into being the soccer coach for my kid's team, even though I know very little about soccer and it's 9 3rd graders who are incredibly hard to corral or get to listen to anything. anyway, we got our asses beat today 9-0, three of the kids stared crying, two said they were quitting, one of the parents scolded me for not playing her kid enough (he's a sweet boy but he doesn't really follow the action or understand the plays, also he has a learning disability I have never heard of), idk I think I'm in over my head here

cue the goddamn music
https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EvVVsFOKLjE/XK9V8rj2mqI/AAAAAAAAnuQ/FVxt3BwyfYwfjl4eOga9Ib0kXhM_l41xACLcBGAs/s1600/buttermaker-cries.gif

leaving the house without being late AND having major trauma seems to be increasingly impossible.

last week i pretended to get hit in the head by my daughter's toy train for an easy laugh, pretended to faint, then i actually in reality hit my head on the chair behind me

thats some Mr. Bean shit right there

my 15 year old really likes to stay out now. he has basketball practice from 5-7 and it takes him like an hour and a half to get back home afterwards.. because it ends late.. then he takes his time changing.. then he messes around, chatting w his friends.. all v innocuous but it drives me bananas. we don't eat together those days. everything gets pushed later. he's showering at like 9:45. today his coach asked him if he would play in the older age group's game, which was after his practice, a big thrill for him, how can he say no, and he texts me to give me the heads up, but with no ETA or anything.. he gets home, in the dark London rain, at 10:15... i mean.. i don't like it but also a little voice is like, well, he's 15, this is how it is now sometimes. idk when i was 15 i had to be home by 5:30pm and i doubt it ever occurred to me that this boundary was transgressible but he's a very different kid (doing very wholesome things by and large)

Yeah my elder kid has color guard practice. Allegedly it's either 4 to 6, or on alternate days, 6 to 9. And then dance class is 6:30 to 7:25, and voice lessons are on the weekend. And the younger one has speech therapy and swimming on alternate Fridays, unless he doesn't.

But in reality it's everything everywhere all at once.

Mine used to have schedules like that. Now, they're all out on their own, except the last one. I miss the hubbub.

So far I have dug in my heels and put limits on the amount of extra stuff the kids do. Their mom sometimes wants to pile more on and NO NO NO. They each have one activity that sometimes takes multiple days a week and temple obligations. That’s enough.

Our next four things are working, college, driving, and housing.

None of them are optional, so we don't get to be picky. Alas. Eldest probably needs to drive. May need to work. Definitely needs college.

Younger (severely disabled) one needs something like a sheltered workshop and group housing.

yeah we have something 5 days out of the week with ours, I'd try to scale it back but I didn't get to do a whole lot of that stuff when I was a kid so I'll take the bullet

The 10 year old is asking for more freedom, what do you let her do? Walk to the corner store by herself (no street crossings, just around the block)? Walk to school? Stay home alone while we run out to the store?

When I was 10, I was out for hours at at time unsupervised. But I lived in a hay field.

I live in London and yeah both kids were doing those things by 10. I think even by like 7 we were letting them go to the park on their own. It’s funny how quickly it goes from nerve racking to normal (and then back again if they haven’t come back even they said they would)

So another first grader told my son he was going to bring a gun to school and shoot him. This is at home room the other morning. My kid handled it well until bedtime and started freaking out about death. Had to have some really hard conversations with him.

This obviously set off some alarms and procedures for the other kid and his parents at the school and county. He’s not a real threat or anything but what the fuck are 7 year olds talking like that for. Goddamn America

And yeah I know we said things like I’m gonna kill you at that age but this is different

jesus christ that is terrifying. i’m so sorry

When the free-range parenting thing was a thing, I had a friend who had a 10 year old and he was buying into it, talking about what it was like when we were kids and how much more restrictive we are with our kids even though crime and scary things happening to kids was at an all-time low. I suggested that perhaps scary things happen to kids less often because we keep a closer eye on them than our parent did. His eyes widened and I could see his wheels turning.

I have no idea how that actually plays out, statistics wise. I just know that I did incredibly stupid things when I was ten, footloose and fancy-free. It's a wonder I didn't burn the damn house down. I guess it really depends on your kids and their maturity.

Thanks. It fucked me up too if I’m being honest

So sorry to hear about that, Heez. That's nothing a kid should have to go through. Given that we have things like the Newport News teacher shooting, it's so much scarier. I remember bullies at school in the 80s who said they were gonna kill me, but it was all just dumb bravado.

On a lighter side of that type of story, a couple of years ago, I got a call to come to the elementary school because my fifth grader was in the principal's office. Another student had found a post-it note in his locker that read "the Illuminati is coming for you" on one side with a drawing of a bloody dagger on the reverse. When the administration reviewed the surveillance video, it was my daughter who had slipped it in the locker. Apparently, they had been joking around about the Illuminati at recess for some reason and she thought he'd appreciate the joke. She didn't mean to freak him out and was distraught about it (although she didn't apologize right away and kept quiet about her involvement until the truth came out). After chatting with the teachers and the principal for half an hour, they agreed to let her off with a warning because it was obviously just a misunderstanding. Anyway, they are still friends and had a picnic together yesterday.

I posted this in the mass shooting thread but the active shooter drills have definitely messed my son up - every time they do one he spends weeks talking about what he would do if a "stranger" came into the school and how he would protect his sister, but really he just asks over and over again if there are any bad guys where we live, and where they *do* live, if they would come here, etc. etc. not only that but I hear him late at night getting up and checking the locks on the doors. it terrifies him. as I guess it probably should. luckily after a couple weeks he kind of 'gets over' it, but still I can't imagine this is good for them, it's not a reality I want them to be aware of just yet

That’s the thing that upsets me about it. He’s 7 and ever since this happened he’s being more mature. Hugging me more and being thoughtful. I’d rather him throw tantrums and be an asshole like before. Something was opened up to him and I should be happy he’s handling it well but I just want him to be a kid

Pastopianism is a hell of a drug. "I did (x) and turned out fine," except some folks didn't.

Congratulations, you drank from the hose, stayed out until the streetlights came on, etc. But lots of bad things happened to lots of people during those days. Several of my friends did NOT survive.

that said, in the 1970s nobody was going through the anticipatory trauma that comes from living in a society where school shootings have become normalized so

Yes. People always talk about "oh times were simpler" well maybe thats because you werent being told OMG A GUNMAN COULD BURST IN AND KILL YOU ALLevery freaking month. :(

even when I take out the garbage at night after he's gone to bed I come back and hear "Daddy is that you? Ok just wanted to make sure it wasn't a bad guy"

Oh geez :(

Ha got my first ever puking toddler problem to manage today!

Somehow I have avoided the other times

I myself have not puked since 1994 so it’s a wild journey! Maybe this is the week!!

I am going for the “it’s impossible to be careful with a sick toddler so I’m just not bothering to be careful“ approach

Why are there so many sequential parenting threads

I got to spend some quality time with my 14 yo today and it was so great. I talked my face off about college years and the Godfather movies