this is the thread where you copy and paste whatever other posts on ilx made you laugh out loud

10. Levitation Plus Plus Plus! But No, For It Was Too Heavy Alas Once Maybe, But Never Now

Surprise birthday parties must be a real hoot with you.

-- Ned Raggett (ned@kuci.org), January 17th, 2003.

Yeah. I don't think it has to imply a negative value.
-- Michael Daddino (epicharmus@aol.com), February 4th, 2003.

it is a top thing for corn to be, for example
-- mark s (mark@evazev.demon.co.uk), February 4th, 2003.

"In response to Redeye's column in this month's EDGE which has the cuntlapping basic argument that the computer industry has two overdriving unclefucks: companies want money, people want authenticity/reality. Thus why, he smacks, EA have smooched on the deep throating Franchise (ie the Real "Mistress Anal" Names) to help optimise titty fucks and how it has gained market supremacy AND now he sees for the sex fighting first time ever Pro "Dildo" Ev (the 'thinking man's' blah) has outsold Pro "Pimp Mastah" Ev (pound-for-pound ie unclefucked for one week only on one format) so he thrusts that Konami will rest on iterations now: Pro "Nobgoblin" Ev 2 = Pro "Spunksupper" Ev 1. Why does he come to titty fucks conclusion? Because they've gained the gangbanging market and in past the dripping company with the blowing market has cuntlapped its laurels and tried to retain them: he titty fucks that Konami have fistfucked the mantel through innovation and creation of The "Cockboy" Game. Which doesn't necessarily mean they'll maintain fingerfucks Revolution (ie see ISS Motherfucks -> ISS PS1 -> Pro "Jerkoff" Ev) and settle for (haha you lucky Redeye bastard) the (watch out, pun) Evolution."

-- dwh (savonarola@hotmail.com) (webmail), January 5th, 2003 8:13 PM. (dwh)

I can't wait for the new single by The Penis Enlargers. What did people think of "A CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY" by the Sons Of The Former Presidents Of Nigeria?

-- DV (dirtyvicar...

-- Eyeball Kicks (eyeball_kicks@hotmail.com), Yesterday 4:15 PM.
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Eyeball Kicks has hurt my brane.

-- Nick Southall (n.j.southall@ex.ac.uk), Yesterday 4:21 PM.
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This thread may not be based on a true story...

-- smee (smee4ilxor@hotmail.com), Yesterday 4:27 PM.
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What - she didn't txt you?

-- Dave B (REMOVETOREPLYdave.boyle@supporters-direct.org), Yesterday 4:28 PM.
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She fucked YOUR uncle? You fucked HER uncle? She fucked your dad? You fucked your dad? YOUR DAD FUCKED HER UNCLE?

-- Nick Southall (n.j.southall@ex.ac.uk), Yesterday 4:30 PM.

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u will get buggered by scallies u will
-- gi66y ($$$@kjhgkjh.com), January 27th, 2003 7:30 AM.

Forever is the classixor ILX statement.

-- Q.ziq, February 5, 3003, 14:13pm (Central Venus)

-- j.lu (flavia@nme.com), February 6th, 2003.
--

[. . .]

-- Mandee (Wolfshirt@antisocial.com), February 4th, 2003.

* * * *

Mandee, why would a family clinging to their Swedish ancestry decorate their house white and red?

-- chris sallis (chrys@etc.com), February 4th, 2003.

* * * *

I think she was making a point about just how stupid it all is...*sigh*

-- RJG (r_gillanders@yahoo.com), February 4th, 2003.

* * * *

Sure, only I would have thought anyone going so far as to embroider "I Love Sweden" all over the place might also have confirmed the colour scheme of the Swedish flag before commencing interior decoration.

-- chris sallis (chrys@etc.com), February 4th, 2003.

-- hilton betelgeuse (mjbottoms@ntlworld.com), February 4th, 2003.

Bob on Ornette coleman's 'Dancing in your head'.

heywoodpink: um there could be a busker who needs to finance a trip to canada to visit his mother, his sister who um actually i think i am crap at this!

loopstrange: no, don't doubt yourself...

loopstrange: who is the busker played by?

heywoodpink: oh i suppose i am just getting at the make it up as one goes along aspect of it

heywoodpink: the busker is played by someone with a beard

loopstrange: that means the busker has a secret

heywoodpink: and he is also lazy

loopstrange: he left his souzaphone at home

loopstrange: and his busking is now just telling wildly implausible stories to passers by

heywoodpink: his sister is a buyer at a used goods store

heywoodpink: and she is writing a novel based on people who try selling her weird things

loopstrange: she has red hair

heywoodpink: her boyfriend is obsessed with Polish folklore to the extent of dressing up in their national costume and speaking Polish, even though his parents are from Nicaragua

loopstrange: the busker reaches a diner in the lonesome desert

heywoodpink: with a help wanted sign

loopstrange: he fancies a plate of "flapjacks" so he enquires about the job

loopstrange: but it turns out the vacancy is for a violinist to entertain the patrons

loopstrange: he calls up his sister to see if she has bought a used violin lately

heywoodpink: while awaiting his violin, he becomes acquainted with an amnesiac clairvoyant named Elenore

loopstrange: she starts telling him about his life to come

loopstrange: some of the things she says are nearly identical to the wildly implausible stories he himself has beeen imparting to various folks

heywoodpink: one of the terms of his contract as a violinist is that he must live with the restaurant owners

loopstrange: they have a dog named chow chow

heywoodpink: who forces him to alter his repertoire because when he is practising, his rendition of A Hard Day's Night always makes the dog hump his leg

loopstrange: he becomes addicted to Elenores predictions about his life to come and stays on at the diner for a long time. then the predictions become fewer and less detailed because he is IN A RUT

heywoodpink: so instead of A Hard Day's Night he plays an old Polish tune he heard from his sister's boyfriend

loopstrange: the restaurant owners hear it and kick him out because

heywoodpink: he is demoted to backup violinist status after the atonal qualities of the tune begin to scare customers

heywoodpink: oh whoops, he is kicked out as a consequence, not demoted

loopstrange: yeah eh needs out of that diner

heywoodpink: his sister comes to pick him up and he gets into a fight with her boyfriend

loopstrange: his sister is in trouble, someone has tried to sell her a cryogenically preserved head

loopstrange: the niciraguan boyf is no help, he is too obsessed with the ways of the Poles

heywoodpink: and he is no longer capable of communicating in English or Spanish, he merely speaks in tongues of rapid incomprehensible Polish

loopstrange: the FBI are on their tail

loopstrange: of course Elenor has predicted all this

heywoodpink: so they track her down and she refuses to divulge the secrets of his future

loopstrange: the busker tries in vain to remeber some of her predictions more clearly

loopstrange: but all he can think of is chow chow

loopstrange: he shakes his fist at god

heywoodpink: and decides that the only solution is to hold his ex-bosses to ransom for chow chow

loopstrange: so they sneak back to the diner to get him

loopstrange: they take the cryogenically preserved head in case of emergency

heywoodpink: when they receive a call that their mother has gone into a coma

loopstrange: and desperately needs a head transplant

heywoodpink: but the only way they can fund the head transplant is by donating the head to science, and they don't know where to find another head

loopstrange: they look on Ebay and in the Buy, Sell and Exchange

loopstrange: Ebay is useless, but the B,S and E has a head in the Free section

heywoodpink: but it belongs to the parents of the busker's sister's ex-boyfriend...it is the head of a Polish miner's wife, and they are giving the head away in an attempt to shock him back into coherence

loopstrange: surely that would be a niciraguan head?

heywoodpink: oh actually the head belongs to him, but they have taken it from him...that's better

loopstrange: they have to drive to Bloomington, indiana to get the head

loopstrange: they take chow chow in case of emergency

heywoodpink: they get the money and charter a helicopter to Halifax, Nova Soctia

heywoodpink: oops Scotia, where their mum is

loopstrange: the mother looks ashen, wretched

heywoodpink: i think the music that is playing at this point is probably important

loopstrange: funky town by pseudo echo?

heywoodpink: hahaha well yes that can be playing on the hospital muzak speakers

loopstrange: she reaches out to her children, with love and gratitude in her eyes

loopstrange: 'my dearest kids, did you get me a new head?"

loopstrange: they shift uncomfortably

loopstrange: chow chow does a wee in the corner

heywoodpink: she hears a burbling sound and says 'what's that?'

heywoodpink: it is the head clanking around in the tank

loopstrange: it's DEFROSTING!

heywoodpink: yeah human heads don't clank, do they?

loopstrange: it would if it was partially frozen and perhaps in a stainless steel receptacle

loopstrange: and was wearing nicaraguan jewelery

heywoodpink: so then they start clamouring for surgeons and fast really urgent music starts playing, like Take On Me by A-Ha, which is appropriate because the lyrics say 'i'll be gone in a day'

loopstrange: chow chow bites a staff nurse

heywoodpink: who requires a tetanus shot

heywoodpink: we need an ending and also music under the credits and a narrator

heywoodpink: the narrator will be the guy who does the voiceover on Days Of Our Lives

Fergus noodle: ah ha!

heywoodpink: there you are

loopstrange: fergus can help us now!

heywoodpink: right now where was our movie

loopstrange: okay

loopstrange: ...chow chow bites a staff nurse, who then needs a tetanus shot

Fergus noodle: who is chow chow?

Fergus noodle: why don't they have short soup in new zealand?

heywoodpink: and the head transplant can only proceed when she has had her shot

loopstrange: she is swearing like a sailor

loopstrange: and has to be held down by the busker and his sister
Fergus noodle: does she wear a bobble hat though?

heywoodpink: yeah she does, under her surgical hat thing

loopstrange: there are not many staff on at the hospital, because it is Shrove Wednesday. The staff who are there are wearing bobble hats to celebrate

Fergus noodle: and they have a pop hit called orange box around my heart

heywoodpink: that can be the music that plays under the credits

loopstrange: the transplant goes smoothly

Fergus noodle: Dr Casinowin has the hots for Dr McSpadgemonkey also i think

heywoodpink: and you can feel the sexual tension as they operate

heywoodpink: the dog doesn't like it

Fergus noodle: they play footsies under the operating table

loopstrange: he gets locked in the hospital caf until he can calm down

loopstrange: (that's chow chow, not Dr. McSpadgemonkey)

Fergus noodle: this is one hot operation

Fergus noodle: Dr Spadgemonkeys lip grows to be the size of the opera house

heywoodpink: the mother adopts chow chow as her companion to ward off the strange neighbour who plays polo and is incessantly inviting her over to observe his collection of cricket bats

loopstrange: but wait, she has to adjust to her new head!

loopstrange: a bobble hat might help

-- rainy (isitagir...), December 26th, 2002.

sorry but it HAD to be done

-- KATE (MASONICETC@ETC.ETC.ETC), January 31st, 2003.

(Kate I love you but that was really really funny.)

She broke up with him after going to meet him on a corner and finding him waiting for her with a David Copperfield-ish leather bomber jacket slung nonchalantly over his shoulder.

-- estela (estelaisale...), February 1st, 2003.

-- Oops (buttch9...), February 5th, 2003.

[now that's good corn]

-- Chantelle from the Missy video (sea...), February 6th, 2003.

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Will this fiery apocalypse somehow be induced by a frenzy of dance moves? Please say yes.
-- mark p (m*****...), February 6th, 2003.

-- geeta (geet...), Today 9:47 PM.

"Please use clear words?
How bout these: go fuck yourself"
I don't see that this would have any survival value.

-- Rockist Scientist (rock...), February 6th, 2003. (link)

-- Chris Piuma (chris...), February 6th, 2003 1:24 AM.

I keep having psychotic visions of women developing the Keeper so that they could have an even more disgusting way of throwing menses at people.
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 6th, 2003.

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(haha MENSES FIGHT! ew)
-- Dan Perry (djperr...), February 6th, 2003.

--------------------------------

No.
-- rolci (rolc...) (webmail), February 6th, 2003 3:48 PM. (link)

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i didn't say NB shd be shot, i said he shd be set on fire and have his kid taken away!!
however it's true, my gung ho attitude to pyromania and child abduction *are* two of the reasons society is so gnarled up today

-- mark s (mar...), February 6th, 2003.''

I was devastated when Steve Perry left Journey and they broke up. Although it seemed terrific at the time because "Oh Sherry" is fucking fantastic.

-- Chris V. (formerlypoopsmcge...), February 6th, 2003.

-- Fuzzy (fozzi...), Today 4:30 PM.

Graham I have changed my mind - you must keep this bug feature in forever.

This may be the greatest response ever.

A brief history of Time

Runs for cover...

-- Dave B (REMOVETOREPLYdave.boyl...), February 6th, 2003 10:35 PM.

it really is. is that funny?
-- amanda (cmdrslapp...), Today 3:23 PM.

Have you tried whittling it?

-- N. (nickdastoo...), February 7th, 2003 12:36 AM.

!!