how often do you think about killing yourself?

After I reached the age of about nineteen fully whole (I was unsuccessful multiple times), I only rarely think about this. Yet twice in 2003, so far.

But even when I'm not seriously thinking it, thoughts such as where in the house/building I would hang myself, the taste a gun barrel makes in yr mouth, etc., come into my head on a regular basis. They are annoying and hateful. I wish they would go away.

My meds aren't right yet and I still drug and drink. Until all that is sorted out I will still stare longingly at crossbeams and imagine fellating gunbarrels. It is fact.

PLEASE be careful with mixing meds with drink and drugs, though. My ex-housemate used to flip out on a regular basis and smash glasses in bars because of this sort of thing. I swear that it made him worse, so please take care of yourself!

As far as drinking/drugging I just stop taking my meds when the former takes over. They don't mix, I know, so I don't try. But they are mutually defeating so at some point one or the other will have to win out.

and then i roll the thot arround my tounge
it calms me.

i doubt this will mean much, but i'd miss your posts if you were gone, martin. you're a nice person.

In the case of your friends, my experience suggests a significant difference between feeling like suicide because of mental illness and contemplating it because of life events. The former cannot be addressed rationally, just by drugs and generally making them feel better. The last may be more susceptible to a rational approach, to addressing the problems.

maybe someone could start posting pictures of happy puppies and kittens playing with each other to cheer us all up?

Even better:

http://www.net.pref.aomori.jp/sai-child/image/anaguma.jpg

If whoever posted that is still reading, call 911. Now.

i am affected by reading this and just want to say, or YELL at you -OF COURSE YOUR LIFE HAS WORTH.. okay, you don't love yourself, you hate yourself, fine - but do u love ANYONE else in your life right now? please...if u love anyone in your life, anyone at all, then think about them next time you are drawn to thouhts of this. and think about someone who loves you - there is definitely someone, i know there is..if no one else then just think of your mother or sibling or nearest family member. think what this would do to them - it would kill them too

i know this is a cliche to say, but suicide really IS a very selfish act and that the perpetrator doesn't take into account the effect it will have on others lives...the blame the horrifying pain that will follow, do you want anyone to go thru that ?

i know its about personal agony here, but as someone who's come close to doing this himself multiple times, and someone who actually has a very twisted past history with this topic (that i uncovered unexpectedly this summer actually) - please listen to me here - GET HELP let this be your wake-up call incident

you may never believe me and dismiss all this as spiritual hogwash, etc. but listen to me here - if you do this, if you ever succeed in doing this, just KNOW that THIS WILL SPILL OVER into your next few human lifetimes and they will also be marred by this act, by your refusal to deal with THIS lifetime you'll be ruining up to ten or so of your future ones, its true, it really is. I DON'T CARE IF U BELIEVE ME but its true. I KNOW OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY I KNOW - and of course this applies to everyone else reading this or pondering it or whatever. you'll be damning yourself for quite a long time by choosing this most foolish of temporary "solutions" and your karma will be multiplied, exponentially - whatever you think is hard now will be fucking near impossible to deal with in the future

one of my aunts committed suicide, and the disastrous effects are still felt in the extended family in large, even though no oneever says anything anymore. just stop and think how such a thing will destroy those who are around you, even if they never express the appreciation to you that you think u deserve

this always destroys multiples lives, and i mean that in ever way that i can

i forgot something...you know...if you aren't meant to succeed at this, no matter how many times u try, u won't. it's predetermined

i hope the person gets *continual* support from someone, regardless

There is always a reason to keep going, always someone who's glad to see you, even if it's only a cat. If I'd killed myself when I wanted to, I'd never have met the love of my life. Let life keep surprising you.

****hugs****

Thus, today's CoM - the words which explain and resolve all other words on CoM.

http://cookham.blogspot.com

Jody/smoky topaz is really on the money up there--these feelings are just a weird side effect of life sometimes. Sometimes they take a lot of strength to ignore at the time. They aren't a sign or a product of rational thought, they're just feelings. It's tough to put them away and sometimes all you can do is ride it out.

I went through several bad spells of this when I was a child/teenager, to the extent that I don't recognize the person I was. Not only did I get better, I got a lot better. Anonymous (and anyone else going through a bad time) I hope that something similar can happen for you, but even if it is something that you have to struggle with, I belive that you're strong enough to survive it.

Take a walk or even a hike - get those endorphins going!
Read a familar book that's always given you pleasure, or tackle a new, challenging book.
Get a pet, or if that's not possible, visit a friend's pet.
Do something with your hands...I like embroidery and knitting.

(1) solves lifelong irrational worry of not being able to support myself
(2) routine, reason to get up in the morning
(3) routine, good sleep makes you feel better
(4) stops all the worries chasing each other around in my head for hours and hours.

OMG, this is the best forum ever, isn't it? *hugs*

Personally, I've been very very depressed before, but I've never planned out a suicide. I guess that in the end I'm just too excited about what life has to offer. I made myself a promise when I was 17 that if I ever decided to end it, I would instead either run away to a new place and start over or the sci fi ending - find a sleep clinic that could put me under so I could continue living and dreaming and they would wake me up in several months and maybe I'd be refreshed. Keep in mind I was a teenager when I made that promise. :)

I have always had a major fear of car crashes. I must confess though, that for some odd reason, I have often been tempted to just drive my car off the road or into traffic. I think it's more about feeling control over my own life than it is being depressed though. I don't consider myself depressed any more. And it's not like I've ever tried it.

Ok, enough about my weirdness.

The strange thing is, on Saturday I reaffirmed why I'm staying here: I was listening to an enormous shuffleplay, and hit Jay-Z's The Takeover, and each time it finished I put it back on. It's brutal, arrogant, vicious, and dear god it's beautiful. And a world that can make it, can make more, and checking out early doesn't sound like a good idea. To me.

So, uh, I suppose all I'm saying is that if you have to find something to stand on, anything you can stand on will do.

At the moment I don't feel so bad but I guess that at some point I'll feel that way again, which worries me.

I think I am my own worst problem. An illness for the last couple of years brought the whole thing to a head, but my big problem is I truly believe, somewhere deep down, that I'm totally worthless and no one is really interested in me. I need to convince myself that I'm not. But I can't

This sounds pathetic, but all I want is love. I don't want to be famous, or win the lottery, or be the biggest, best, fastest or whatever. I just want to be in love and be loved.

Why can't it happen for me?

I guess I might feel this way IF I GET A JOB EVER EVER EVER which isn't temp shit.