put the toys back in your pram old chap

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I wonder if you can guess who sent me this wearily predictable email recently:

"and you know why you are a shit writer? you have no capacity or concept for beauty. you are self-absorbed. and because you are so self-absorbed, you have, absolutely no ability to see inside another's head. that's why you are fucked as a writer. personally, yr 'display' makes me realise what i suspect -- you are wet, wet and WET. another in the line of public-school-social throwbacks.

"ps. i never read the blog because it bored me shitless. see you in the reminder bin."

nb: i never went to public school.

nbb: i have never had anything to do with wet wet wet.

nbbb: i wonder how a blog can bore someone shitless if they haven't actually read it.

nbbbb: remind me what a "reminder bin" is. yes the book will probably end up there quicksnap. but i don't have to pay back my advance, so it doesn't particularly bother me.

ah well, i look forward to seeing how well mr p***h*k responds to this type of behaviour at u***t.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 06:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh dear.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 20 May 2004 06:54 (twenty-two years ago)

how sad.

never mind.

― Sergeant Major Shutup, Thursday, 20 May 2004 06:56 (twenty-two years ago)

I dunno Marcello, posting private emails from other posters on the board is a little out of order. Replying in such a publicly petulant way does you no favours either.

I don't really understand why you hang around here anymore. You've alienated most of the people who may have had some positive feelings towards you, be it through temper tantrums or your bizarre defensive boasting. People have started dreading you turning up to gatherings and acting in the same obnoxious way you have been on the fap threads.

It's especially puzzling given that your blog is still one of the best out there, and contains very little of the trollish crap you keep throwing out on the boards. Find somewhere else to vent, please.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:10 (twenty-two years ago)

make me.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:11 (twenty-two years ago)

for "people" read "you."

why should "people" dread me turning up at faps? can't we just do what we always do, i.e. sit in our own sections and ignore each other?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:14 (twenty-two years ago)

RickyT OTM. Seriously Marcello, I know I've taken the piss more than most but really I don't understand why you bother any more. You rarely seem to contribute anything positive to ILX any more, you trample into each other people's good-natured threads and start flaming left right and centre, you seem happy to embrace the online caricature that other people have made for you (cf. 'make me' above), willing to play right into the hands of people who you know full well are all laughing at you. Either you just plain lack the self-awareness or you are happy to throw the concept of 'dignity' out of the window ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE ALMOST CERTAINLY CAPABLE OF SO MUCH BETTER. So you don't care about ILX anymore - fair enough, neither do several 2001-era posters I could name - why don't you just stop posting?

Also, I don't care about your petty little strop with your ex-boss. No one does.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Also no one 'dreads' you turning up at FAPs, if they don't want to talk to you it is because of the way you have behave online, not because they think this ludicrous comic grotesque of a persona you've created here is going to be in the slightest bit evident in the pub.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Ricky and Matt both correct.

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:18 (twenty-two years ago)

less predictable responses please.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:20 (twenty-two years ago)

THEY ARE PREDICTABLE BECAUSE THEY ARE TRUE CHRIST ALMIGHTY!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:21 (twenty-two years ago)

also, if you "don't care," why are you posting to this thread?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I mean I find it very difficult to believe you are so lacking in self-awareness that you can never take a step back, read some of the stuff you've posted here without it occurring to you what an utter cunt you look like. Either that or you just don't care, which is fair enough but I don't understand why should expect anyone to respond sympathetically to you given the overriding contempt you appear to have towards most people regardless of whether they are deserving of it.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:22 (twenty-two years ago)

yes but you're responding to me aren't you?

you can't stop! you just can't help yourself!

why don't you just walk away from this thread?

but you can't, can you?

you want to see blood and gore.

your lips are licked.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:24 (twenty-two years ago)

I do dread him turning up, not because of any likelihood of him 'trying it' but because his presence generates an awkward pall over proceedings.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:24 (twenty-two years ago)

what you mean i'm like death warmed up?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:26 (twenty-two years ago)

faps are an awkward pall which all attenders have equivalent responsibility for bearing. foucault on marbles.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:27 (twenty-two years ago)

No, Marcello, we don't want to see blood and gore. We want you to either stop being a jerk, or go away.

― Ricardo (RickyT), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:29 (twenty-two years ago)

jerk me.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:30 (twenty-two years ago)

why do i have to be the one to go away? this is my thread. you're the one who should go away from it.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Right, I am now officially leaving this thread. Going to another thread. Umm, Marcello, do you go into full pubs and end up being the only one there?

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:32 (twenty-two years ago)

I rarely go into full pubs. They make me claustrophobic. But we frequently go into our local pub which is usually about a quarter full. Sometimes as a couple we end up being the only ones there at closing time, but we find that kind of romantic :-)

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Marcello, you are acting like a ten-year old child.

Nb - I don't care about your argument with your boss/co-worker/petty dickwaving hack rival, whoever. I care about the way in which you act on this board because it is the only way you impact upon my life whatsoever and you are ruining other people's threads for no reason other than petty spite and/or jealousy like a kid kicking over sandcastles.

FAPs cast an awkward pall for you and no one else. Everyone else is getting on famously. It is your social issues that are the problem, not us. (xpost)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:37 (twenty-two years ago)

(Right, I am leaving this thread now, I've said everything I want to say and since Marcello refuses to engage with any argument that might be in the slightest bit critical of him there's no real point. Plus its a beautiful day and I'm going to take my work outside).

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Bye Matt!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:44 (twenty-two years ago)

it was me. drunk after a half cousin show.
and yes, i do find you pathetic and pandering now.

-- doomie x (xxz...), May 20th, 2004.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and no, i won't kick this off on ilx. i should not have even email you. you are like cancer. my apologies.
-- doomie x (xx...), May 20th, 2004.

― doomie x, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Morning Doomie!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:47 (twenty-two years ago)

ps. y'know -- just to make me sound pathetic. i was shocked last night because i thought we were 'friends'. just saying that because you know 'fragility is openness'. obviously not. friends, i mean. beyond that -- i really have nothing to say. except bye and i've got alot of work to do today.

― doomie x, Thursday, 20 May 2004 07:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I suppose that saying I am like cancer is an improvement on hoping that I get cancer.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:02 (twenty-two years ago)

those inverted commas around the word 'friends' encapsulate all that is wrong with ilx and life, in that order.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:03 (twenty-two years ago)

― Anna (Anna), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:04 (twenty-two years ago)

has one of them left, then? pity - their new album's really good.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:05 (twenty-two years ago)

whatever, marcello. just drop it. it is over. nobody wants to read this thread. i would say take it too private email but i really don't want that either, anymore. let's just say -- what i said in the other email you didn't post. have a good life, yeah. bye.

― doomie x, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Marcello, do you get satisfaction from this kind of behaviour? Are you happy with the responses you're getting?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Ahahahahahahahha good morning Marcello.

― Sarah (starry), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:06 (twenty-two years ago)

It's been a Long Time since we've seen you on this sort of form.

― Sarah (starry), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:07 (twenty-two years ago)

"nobody wants to read this thread."

why are you still reading it then doomie? i thought you said you had a lot of work to do.

but, just to clear the water, i wasn't being malicious with that take on you, and i really am sorry if you were offended or took it to heart.

so apologies from me. ok?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:07 (twenty-two years ago)

sarah understands me!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:08 (twenty-two years ago)

apology accepted. sorry for ranting at you in email.

― doomie x, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:09 (twenty-two years ago)

I wouldn't take accusations of being Wet Wet Wet lightly, I'll admit.

― Sarah (starry), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Erm, I'm still guessing. 'doomie' is a writer of some sort... but employer of Marcello? Yeah? Music journalism really *has* gone dahn the shitter.

― Enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:13 (twenty-two years ago)

i must stay off ilx. apologies again -- everything on ilx -- for me -- is sort of tainted with malice.

― doomiex, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:14 (twenty-two years ago)

no, doomie's not my employer, but, hell enrique, journalism per se has indeed gone dahn the shitter - why time out were persuaded to take on both you and me i'll never know.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:15 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, fair play. actually i was querying the idea of the abusive dommie as an editor, not your emplyment as such; you're a good writer n'all.

fuck, now i remember why i left ilx: it's upsetting! ppl you like being cunts. cuntiness begetting cuntiness.

― Enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:17 (twenty-two years ago)

we need names

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:18 (twenty-two years ago)

i think a little bit of puke has just come up in my mouth.

― doomie x, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:19 (twenty-two years ago)

stevem: me, my hataz.

― enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:20 (twenty-two years ago)

that branston pickle seems to be working...

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:21 (twenty-two years ago)

fundamental difference between me and ilx: i think music journalism is fun.

you get sent free cds. you go to rock star parties. you write for a living.

my schedule is fucked. i have to make up an hour and a half now. so am leaving this thread.

― doomie x, Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:24 (twenty-two years ago)

...

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Thursday, 20 May 2004 08:26 (twenty-two years ago)

pictures of kittens needed NOW!

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 20 May 2004 09:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Crumbs

― Dadaismus (Dada), Thursday, 20 May 2004 09:06 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread is like anti-porn. It's great!

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 20 May 2004 10:50 (twenty-two years ago)

i prefer porn really

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 20 May 2004 10:56 (twenty-two years ago)

yes but you're responding to me aren't you?
you can't stop! you just can't help yourself!
why don't you just walk away from this thread?
but you can't, can you?
you want to see blood and gore.
your lips are licked.

Are these lyrics from the new Mozza album?

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Thursday, 20 May 2004 10:58 (twenty-two years ago)

No, they're much better than that!

― Dadaismus (Dada), Thursday, 20 May 2004 10:59 (twenty-two years ago)

People who bang on and on about something really fucking dumb, then get an exasperated response and crow "haha so why are you responding fuckstick" - C/D?

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 20 May 2004 11:05 (twenty-two years ago)

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 20 May 2004 11:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I think you could start a fairy tale franchise around Marcello.

― Tim Finney (Tim Finney), Thursday, 20 May 2004 11:11 (twenty-two years ago)

wtf is all this about??

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 20 May 2004 11:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Marcello's petulant assmillinery. Dull dull dull.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:19 (twenty-two years ago)

i dunno. it's like a carcrash. must look. etc.

x-post etc etc.

― g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

ah that explains why liz evidently finds this thread so "dull dull dull" that she keeps coming back to it and posting on it.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

like i said, car crash.
also, nifty shovelwork.

― g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I didn't say I disliked dullness. Also, I never claimed to be leaving the thread about a million times.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:26 (twenty-two years ago)

you just don't get it, do you?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Get what, Mr C? I'm in awe of you, you know that?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Marcello has suffered more than any of us will ever know. Please cut the guy some slack.

― doctorie, Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:30 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not so sure about the any of us actually. It is a dangerous assumption to make.

― MarkH (MarkH), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

Ah yes, being told that one's writing is bad is utterly heartbreaking, isn't it?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

i heard Mel Gibson wants to make a film about MC, who are these people that spread such rumours? i would never go and see a film about a guy who seeks solitude from his 'actually quite good life now' by rattling the cages of folk he knows to wildly varying degrees on a popular message board in order to prove...something or other.

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:35 (twenty-two years ago)

my teacher in primary school (class 5a) once told me that my writing was appalling. worse than a doctor's. she advised me to simplify my calligraphy. this was robust advice. like brian auger simplifying "happiness is just around the bend" and bang! there's the middle eight!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:35 (twenty-two years ago)

this thread is very funny! whats the story behind it?

― don (don), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:37 (twenty-two years ago)

how long have you got?

― MarkH (MarkH), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:38 (twenty-two years ago)

inserts obligatory ken stott ref.

― Mel Gibson (Enrique), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

You know when people roll their eyes and sigh at nasty, petulant children who refuse to behave and make people's lives that bit more shitty? It's that kind of dullness.

― Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:40 (twenty-two years ago)

here: The ILE Bar week 2

― the surface noise made by people (electricsound), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:40 (twenty-two years ago)

you got it
oh you think you got it
But got it just don't get it
Till' there's nothing at
AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaallllll..

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:41 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh you've given him a goldmine there: I think he's trying to be Momus with this 'trangressive' thing.

xpost to Markelby

Shake, shake, shake it
Shake, shake, shake it
Shake it like a Polaroid picture

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:42 (twenty-two years ago)

― sgs (sgs), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:43 (twenty-two years ago)

but whyohwhyoh WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH
ARE WE SO IN DENIAL
WHEN WE KNOW WE'RE NOT HAPPY HERE?
*Pause*
Ah, you don't want to hear me, you just want to dance.

Work that out and you'll get it.

(btw, mark e h, thanks for the email, much appreciated)

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:44 (twenty-two years ago)

fundamental difference between me and ilx: i think music journalism is fun.

Hmmm.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:47 (twenty-two years ago)

"sadder than southwark bridge. "

ahahahahahahahahaha

― don (don), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:48 (twenty-two years ago)

And meaner than a guy named Midge. That is the Croce lyric, yes?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:50 (twenty-two years ago)

(xpost to ned):

yeah, doomie obv finds music journalism fun. it turned out that i didn't, but mark s warned me two years ago that this would happen; you get exhausted with the monthly treadmill and financially it's not at all worth bothering with. time out is fine but my work there is not regular; only when the music dept has a freelance budget available. but that helps take some of the pressure off.

it was fun for awhile and obv helped get my name about, but as it turned out more people know me from the blogs than they do from the monthlies, which is fine by me 'cos the blog is still for me the best means of distilling my thoughts about music/life into a coherent and (occasionally!) readable form.

but doomie does like the free cds, free gigs and parties, which is great; the life suits him and good luck to him with it. it just didn't work for me.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I've got two Karel Poborskys if anyone wants to swap? Am I on the right thread?

― Mikey G (Mikey G), Thursday, 20 May 2004 12:55 (twenty-two years ago)

you get exhausted with the monthly treadmill

the free cds, free gigs and parties

*pretending* to be a music journo is obv. the way to go....

― MarkH (MarkH), Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:04 (twenty-two years ago)

I've got Poborsky now. I'm still holding out on most of the Spanish team. And where are Clarence Seedorf and Edgar Davids in the Panini album? Eh? EH????

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Marcello: fair nuff. I however raise my eyebrows at his vision that what he does = great, what anything anybody else on ILX ever does in the same field = craptaculous, as is implied. I shouldn't be surprised, tho.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Music Journalists are like parents in reverse. It looks great but then they tell you how awful it is at the end of the day. Also you wait ages for one and then they land butterside down.

― stevem (blueski), Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:07 (twenty-two years ago)

I just looked at the Bar thread. Jesus. WTF, Marcello?

Having read this thread and now that thread I still don't bloody understand who emailed what to who or whatever. And I don't care. Does anybody?

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Ned, to be fair Doomie is not always like that and is now much removed from that particular quirk you mention.

Also I got bored of just being a muzak journalist after a few short months but it's worth it if you get to do some really good features work in addition to pursuing other points on your cultural agenda/career path. It can be a very difficult row to hoe if you are in any way ambitious and do not fall for the 'be grateful for freebies' angle, but often it's the first writing work on offer and you really have to try, don't you, if asked?

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:52 (twenty-two years ago)

intentional extension of 'trying it' meme?!?

― Enrique (Enrique), Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:54 (twenty-two years ago)

the trouble with uncut - well, one of many - was that there was virtually no opportunity to do any features: just two or three ones per issue, all written by the nigels and nicks. certainly no room anywhere to do thinkpieces.

also i do not like interviews; i prefer to write about music rather than sticking a microphone in front of a musician and letting them talk. no room for the p morley "phil collins, who the hell do you think you are?" approach these days.

not at all my thing. which limits my options somewhat.

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 20 May 2004 13:56 (twenty-two years ago)

I like interviews when they're one-to-one and you just sit there talking in a friendly way about the daftest shit. Often the person doesn't even realise just how much information they're giving me as quite often my lateral approach is not aggressive/journalist in any way.

Me, I hate reviews, love editing and features and cultural commentary. I could take the opportunity to review for just about any English-speaking publication (which is how it should be after over a decade of career unless one is a fuckwit) but just not enough gravy there for me.

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 20 May 2004 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

**I could take the opportunity to review for just about any English-speaking publication**

Angling Times? Pigeon Fanciers Gazette?

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 20 May 2004 14:08 (twenty-two years ago)

C, I think you know what I mean.

Nick's dad has written fly-fishing articles for The Field but what the hey...

― suzy (suzy), Thursday, 20 May 2004 14:15 (twenty-two years ago)

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