i could write a sonnet/about your EXCELSIOR bonnet

a) have heard of flora purim
b) be familiar with jewish holidays

-- helo SCRUMPY (jasonbal...) (webmail), March 28th, 2005. (link)

-- kyle (akmonda...), March 28th, 2005 3:32 PM. (akmonday)

-- mullygrubbr (fan...), March 29th, 2005.

It gets better: I got it on transparent blue vinyl.

-- Stupornaut (natepatri...), March 29th, 2005.

i see you in a new and wondrous light.

-- mullygrubbr (fan...), March 29th, 2005.

-- mookieproof (mookieproo...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

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wow you've just created the worst movie ever, thanks for ruining Speed Racer forever, why don't you kill Santa Claus now too.

-- Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyza...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

-- The Ghost of Guess What My New Favorite Word Is (djperr...), March 29th, 2005 9:27 AM.
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I consider it bodacious.

-- Alba (albab...), March 29th, 2005 9:30 AM.
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It's audacious how bodaciously specious it is, my precious.

-- The Ghost of Gollum (djperr...), March 29th, 2005 9:42 AM.
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She's precocious ....

-- Alba (albab...), March 29th, 2005 9:44 AM.

Proof that Alex in NYC is one of the greatest human beings on the planet.

2). POO

3). WEIGH YOURSELF ON A SCALE ONCE MORE; NOTE THE WEIGHT DIFFERENTIAL

4). RECORD YOUR FINDINGS HERE

-- POOGAME4U (POOGAME4...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

Answers

1. 195
2. OW!
3. 240

-- dave225 (right.knewi...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

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Come on Dave, how do you really feel about Alex?
-- The Ghost of Wanna Be Startin' Somthing (djperr...), March 29th, 2005

ps. [orig00000478.jpg]

-- Cabaret Voltron (adrian.langsto...), March 29th, 2005 12:54 PM. (PUNXSUTAWNEY PENIS)

It's totally doable, but I think you've got to be in great shape. I'd have to train for it. I'm thinking the trick is drinking enough water with it. (or maybe no water at all? - one of those).

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), March 29th, 2005 1:13 PM. (spencermfi)

NO it is NOT 'doable' and you do NOT have to be in 'great shape' were it so. NO ONE, has ever done it. that '100 lb woman' thing is one of the great (by which i mean, least great) urban myths of our time. it is totally false.

-- eater. (smit...), March 29th, 2005 1:19 PM.

Why do you shit on my dreams!?!?!?!

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...), March 29th, 2005 1:20 PM. (nickalicious)

Linear time, YOU'VE BEEN PUNKD!

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...), March 29th, 2005. (nickalicious) (later)

-- mark p (mark.p****...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005 6:40 AM. (Mark P) (link)

-- David R. (quoteidio...), March 29th, 2005 3:57 PM. (popshots75`) (later)

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If the thread is repeated, it must be deleted.
-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), March 29th, 2005 10:18 PM. (Pleasant Plains ///) (later)

...
Those Ringtones Came From Somewhere, You Know

-- b-bone (inf...), March 22nd, 2005.

Unless you start calling an MS sufferer 'limpy' or something, in which case it'd be a bit questionable if they weren't pissed off.
-- Autumn Almanac, March 30th, 2005 5:05 PM.

what about hopalong?
-- gem, March 30th, 2005 5:10 PM.

Hi I recently took the virginity of my lovely girlfriend. Her vagina is still bleeding fairly heavily ~4 hours after. (fyi: she is with a girlfriend now and is consulting a doctor soon) I was fairly gentle, used a condom and plenty of lube. I am within one standard deviation of normal penis size. I think I did hit her cervix a bunch. What could be going on? Should I worry?
-- Troubled, March 30th, 2005 7:04 PM.

Answers

Tell us more about the normal distribution of the penis.
-- math attack, March 30th, 2005 7:13 PM.

"Filigree and Shadow is the second in a line of three This Mortal Coil releases, and is considered by many to be the best. (I'll still take their third album, It'll End In Tears, even if it does have that godawful cover of Big Star's "Kangaroo.") If you're into 4AD, you're probably on your third copy of this disc. If you're not familiar, this is a great place to start... that is, if you like your music spooky and woozy."

Is that not a glaring mistake in there?

-- Michael Copeland (fattymc...), January 7th, 2005 12:11 PM.

I think that was apparent the moment the word "Pitchfork" appeared.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), January 7th, 2005 1:00 PM. (Ned)

-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), March 28th, 2005 11:27 PM. (Pleasant Plains ///) (later)

(the most I've laughed at an ILX thread in years!!! Thanks PP :))

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...) (webmail), March 30th, 2005. (link)

"how are we referring to our penises today", entry #23549

-- mark p (mark.p****...), March 30th, 2005.

awful roffle

i love the 'lies' on the newspaper box cuz it inevitably becomes 'flies' within the week. sometimes you get someone esp. handy with a spraycan 'propaganda' becomes 'props2gandalf'.
-- j blount (jamesbloun...), March 30th, 2005 1:05 PM. (papa la bas) (later) (link)

-- j blount (jamesbloun...), March 30th, 2005.

and the crazy bitches come out of the woodwork...

-- BOATPEOPLEHATEFUCK (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), March 30th, 2005. (ex machina) (later)

Note that the things you should hide from Bon's advances are your "daughter," "wife" and "back door."

-- miccio (anthonyisrigh...), March 30th, 2005. (later)

translation: i will fuck the women, kill you and stick it in your pooper for good measure.

-- miccio (anthonyisrigh...), March 30th, 2005. (later)

thanks for that translation! it's hard to pick up on the subtle innuendos of AC/DC.

-- M@tt He1geson (matt@game[remove]informer.com), March 30th, 2005. (later)

-- Nowell (noelcollin...), March 31st, 2005.

Nabokov to thread.

-- Remy Ulysses Q. Fitzgerald (jcoomb...), March 31st, 2005.

CSI: Skaro
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:14 AM. (mark s) (later)

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alien vs predator vs dalek
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:20 AM. (mark s) (later)

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Dr Quinn: Pan-Galactic Surgeon-Being
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:24 AM. (mark s) (later)

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Desperate Companions
-- Sven Basted (stevem7...), March 31st, 2005 10:30 AM. (blueski) (later)

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Timelords Wive$
-- Jerry the Nipper (jerrythenippe...), March 31st, 2005 10:31 AM. (Jerrynipper) (later)

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Alan Davies is always the Doctor in my heart.
-- Tom (freakytrigge...), March 31st, 2005 10:36 AM. (Groke) (later)

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Dude where's my TARDIS?
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:38 AM. (mark s) (later)

If you had only 8 bucks and had to choose between the two....

-- Lord Custos Omicron (l.custo...), March 31st, 2005. (later)

'ace of space' vs 'bummer'

-- dave q (scrape10...), March 31st, 2005. (later)

'back in the new york groove'. seriously, are you high?

-- dave q (scrape10...), March 31st, 2005. (later)

... what would it release?

-- phil jones (intersta...) (webmail), March 31st, 2005. (link)

Answers

SEMEN

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...) (webmail), March 31st, 2005. (link)

http://img16.paintedover.com/uploads/16/centipedes.jpg

That's it. I'm voting Tory at the next election.

-- Matt DC (runmd...), January 27th, 2005.

(that's old so it might've been on an older 'celsior)

-- Nag! Nag! Nag! (vaticanroulett...), May 7th, 2005. (later)

woah!
-- dog latin (doglati...), May 7th, 2005. (later)

Funnily enough, my last date did the claw to Stevem's camera in March. Pattern?

-- The Irrelevant Man (Negativa) ([email protected]) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

DUCK: Quack.
MRS. DUCK: Quack quack.
DUCK: Quack.
MRS. DUCK: QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

[camera pans to a mule, naked and tied to a tree]

-- nabisco (--...), May 9th, 2005.

-- nabisco (--...) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

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She went through and translated the whole thing for me, and of course afterward I still didn't like the song that much, but she'd put in so much effort that I said ahh, I understand now, I was only experiencing half of the genius that is Gerardo, you've shown me the way, perhaps I will purchase the cassingle.

-- nabisco (--...) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), May 9th, 2005."

---

Well, go ahead, have fun judging the rock canon using disco criteria. And, btw, while you are at it, why don't you just judge hip-hop or contemporary R&B using classical music criteria as well?

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

"That Kanye West album has no COUNTERPOINT! It's not even music!"

-- J (McChum...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

"Goldberg Variations my ass! They stopped improvising that shit hundreds of years ago! And anyway, it doesn't swing, so it must suck!"

-- J (McChum...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

(sorry about those last two posts. I just don't want this thread to die yet!)

-- J (McChum...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

"That Kanye West album has no COUNTERPOINT! It's not even music!"

There are two many notes in music with counterpoint. You have these guys, Bach and Handel, who are extremely derivative and insist on recycling the past, but everybody else knows that the future of music lies in the considerably simpler approach that Bach's sons, and people like Salieri, represent.

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

-- Joseph McCombs (jmccomb...) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

1) call up spencer chow, and make an appointment to be a member of his "posse" on a certain night in the MIDDLE of the week (tue-thurs only)...ie, "midweek." plan your trip accordingly.

2) visit LA. stay anywhere but the motel 6 on my street (i dont want anymore damn tourists here!!).

3) buy a pink shirt, or iron the one u brought from home (YES PINK. ESPECIALLY if you're a hetero man...weho-res don't wear pink anymore, its out...but for str8 hipsters here, it's "in")

4) call spencer chow's assistant again to confirm your plans

5) travel with him in your pink shirt and preferably dark colored blazer to hipsterfied gathering, and set your sights on someone in the posse-the-Chow-posse-is-shmoozing-with, who will predictably have Jenny-Lewisesque hair. avoid females wearing ponchos. britney-spearsy "train conductor" hats and hip-hop / newsieboy caps are okay, since that is so 2002 and these are NOT Lewisettes/hipsters, but are trying to be and are thus dumb and desperate and right up your alley.

6) try to be funny, witty or charming in your interaction with the Lewisette you've chosen...or at the very least, carry some gum and a cig lighter on you, and wait until you can "light her fire" when she asks...talk about how much you "never" come to this place, wherever you're at, but emphasize how you "prefer dive bars" instead of going anywhere celebities might be present. if, of course, there _is_ one present there, act as blase to the fact as possible to the fact, unless, of course, it's Jenny Lewis.

7) in keeping with the ethos of this thread, offer to buy hipsterette- Lewisette a drink, but _don't_ get drunk yourself. have one beer, but drink slowly. chew gum. IMPORTANT: COMPLIMENT your target on your byootiful her generic indie get-up is, and that you think that "hey, i love your hair...IT LOOKS JUST LIKE JENNY LEWIS." try to say this as authentically as you can.

i know that is the hard...but thats the hardest part. hang in there.

8) talk about how much you love spencer chow, and what great friends you are from back in the crazy raving-palladium days. DON'T mention "the internet." don't mention "myspace." don't mention "lightning bolt" or "sage francis" either. don't mention that you're from out of town. when asked where you're from, say "my family lives in the palisades, but i got my own place in echo park." (you can substitute "echo park" with "koreatown" or some downtown intersection, say "3rd and spring," ..use the word "loft" at least twice here).

9) when asked what you do, invariably answer with either non-descript industry job like "independent producer," "editor," etc - but drop in a big name in there, like, say, "dreamworks" or "ICM" - ...or "photographer," "graphic designer" etc (just saying artist won't do, since everyone here is pretending to be one). if you're feeling creative, combine the two: "well i'm a photographer, even though my dad works at CAA and wanted me to continue in his footsteps there," etc. if she looks like a hooker-waitress ie "actress" - and she most likely is - ASK first if thats what she may be..if she says no, you may have someone you might actually want to get in a genuine conversation with here (don't have to 'fess up to your lies though, still just play it cool.) but if she says "yes, i moved out here from montana to act..." yadda yadda now you know your game isn't that hard. and if you haven't already mentioned your profession, now you must casually say you're "a junior agent at paradigm." if your target looks suspiciously overindie, substitute big industry names with proper nouns like "Rhino," "Ameoba," etc.

10) when you are certain you have your slightly intoxicated prey's attention ...all of a sudden, look bored. conspicuously gaze and make eye-contact with another Lewisette in the group..perhaps even smile at her and introduce yourself, and make sure your original Lewisette sees it. when she begins to sense she might have some competition, she will move in closer to you if you've been doing things right.

11)when this happens, stay cool - don't seem too eager - but smile benevolently and make a lighthearted-yet-complimentary joke at spencer chow's expense, like "isn't spencer chow such a r0ckstar? he's so popular..." if she laughs, move in even closer to her and put your hand on her shoulder to test the waters. if things still look good, make another spencer chow reference, but one that's in your favor, like: "i can't believe he asked to borrow another one of my blazers tonight! the kid has so many of his own." at this point, your Lewisette will glance again at spencer chow - who will doubtlessly be dressed to the nines - and then should look back admiringly at you. put your arm around her at this point...you're almost there. obv, you should have been using body language anyway this whole time..

12) "seal the deal" - accompany your Lewisette to wherever the spencer chow posse may be going..just ask if she wants to come along, and if you've been doing evrything right, she should be. don't look too excited or thrilled though, since you never know what will happen until anything really does. try not to take your arm off of her though, once you've put it on her and she's accepted it. develop comfortability in your physical contact. don't make bad jokes at this point. in fact, try to talk as little as you can...let her do the talking. just maintain the physical contact.

13) after you "get adventuous" with your Lewisette (argh no more RK references I promise!), rinse your cock and repeat

see...just that easy!

-- Vichitravirya XI (eyeohmine99...), May 9th, 2005 12:10 AM. (link)

also, the alternate to all that could simple be: 1) STAY at the motel 6 on my street, and 2) Pay.

-- Vichitravirya XI (X...), May 9th, 2005 12:21 AM. (link)

-- kirsten , May 9th, 2005. (kirsten) (later) (link)

-- The Ghost of Dan Perry (djperr...), May 9th, 2005 3:46 PM.

-- Geir Hongro

I totally agree. Salieri is dreadfully underrated, and why? That damn movie. Also, CPE Bach rulez

Vic's post is CLASSIC! Gareth, come back! I'm definitely more hip now! Also, LA hipster nightlife is largely myspace-driven.

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), May 10th, 2005.

i went to an all girl boarding school for five years as a teenager and i never participated in or witnessed a pillow fight the entire time. i simply cannot believe that there is a basis in truth for this myth.

-- gem (gemilyinterrupte...), May 10th, 2005 3:41 PM. (trisk) (later)

Gem, maybe we got left out of some sekrit society where the women all lezz up, eat chocolate and buy shoes all the time :(

-- Trayce (spamspanke...), May 10th, 2005 3:42 PM. (trayce) (later)

that bloke who called me mannish might be right. maybe our lives will never be fulfilled.

-- gem (gemilyinterrupte...), May 10th, 2005 3:48 PM. (trisk) (later)

*takes clothes off*

Want some chocolate?

-- Trayce (spamspanke...), May 10th, 2005 3:49 PM. (trayce) (later)

yes plz

-- slightly more subdued (fluxion2...), May 10th, 2005 3:50 PM. (kenan) (later)

you'd best duck or i'll smack you with this feather pillow

-- gem (gemilyinterrupte...), May 10th, 2005 4:00 PM. (trisk) (later)

yes plz

-- slightly more subdued (fluxion2...), May 10th, 2005 4:04 PM. (kenan) (later)

-- marianna (mariannamaclea...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005 10:18 AM. (link)

Dr Who and the Chazbaps

-- ja (yo...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (link)

I can just see the hoards of second generation Irishmen in Orange County singing "David Boooooy"...
-- Pete

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), May 10th, 2005. (spencermfi) (later)

-- jill schoelen is the queen of my dreams! (mandeewrigh...), May 10th, 2005.

Whats the rent like?

-- Jarlr'mai (jimmy.parke...), May 10th, 2005.

astronomical

-- ken c (pykachu10...), May 10th, 2005.

you guys here all week?

-- ken taylrr (or...), May 10th, 2005.

she was already a friend, but at Club Kerrang! almost three years ago, she asked me about the girl i was then sort-of seeing, and then said, "what about you and me?" i blathered ineffectually but honestly about how i was still messed up after my dad's death, how i was still hung up on someone else, how i was just a big mess. ten minutes later we were kissing each other's face off, and ten more minutes later, speeding to my flat in a cab. it lasted almost three years.
-- stevie (stevieisdrinkingdosequi...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (stevie) (later)

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Your flat must've been a long way away!
-- dog latin (doglati...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (dog latin) (later)

-- Drew Daniel (mces...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (link)

Why are they still opening threads about rockism? Why? Whyyyyy? WHY???
-- Leon Federline (nicole.kessle...), May 10th, 2005.

threads on rockism are always worth opening bcz eventually i will post on em
-- mark s (mar...), May 10th, 2005.

even if i hate myself for it
-- mark s (mar...), May 10th, 2005.

do not read this threrad if i hate myself for it
-- mark s (mar...), May 10th, 2005.

----------------------------------------

It's so frustrating when you see something that might be nice, you grab it in the right size, then turn it around and see that there's a hideous sequin-spangled cheesecloth panel covered with blanket stitch all over the back.

-- Liz :x (lizd4ply...), May 10th, 2005.

"the quantity of the semen is many, is. Locking the head of the meeting
? which the face the ? is directed firmly, the ? ? the actor
large number which is applied. The ogre domesticated fowl and animals
(^ ^ it draws ??? being to be good,, but we wanted with the
discharge scene stopping waist errand at least, don't you think? is.

"At large milk of E cup of ???? meeting ? ????. For
the first time, the squid it was possible with ???? to do, so
is. Don't you think? the horseman power it is the rank ? ? applying
last scene. As for the partner the flower Oka ? ? it is. The
flower Oka ? ? it is as for ??? of the person being
???, to see, you answer. The ? ? applying as the normal rank
? ? applying using the same actor, the coming out of the semen is
a little bad, is. But, conversely that at a stroke preventing the fact
that it becomes ???? state, it increases. Disaster changing,
the feeling which you say. The SI grass which the middle, paints the
semen in the self large milk and extends is and is ??. You finish
to per ?? in ????. (The flower Oka semen oven it is it is
dense, is)"

-- Momus (nic...), May 10th, 2005 6:31 PM. (Momus) (link)

You should turn that translation into a song, Momus.

-- milozauckerman (wooderso...), May 10th, 2005 6:44 PM. (miloaukerman) (link

-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), May 11th, 2005. (later)

haha when watching law&order: criminal intent i have found myself thinking of all the ways in which i wd SO TOTALLY OUTWIT and NOT BE TRICKED by vincent d'onofrio

now all i need to do is commit a convoluted murder and become fictional

-- mark s (mar...), May 11th, 2005. (later)

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) ([email protected]), May 11th, 2005 4:43 PM. (later)

-- mullygrubbr (fan...), May 12th, 2005 10:20 AM. (later)

but god almighty, come back jimmy, all is forgiven. JLC is a throbbing phallus; an almighty gusher of spunk.

-- grimly fiendish (simonmai...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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23:05 FAQ U
Will global warming make Dunstable the new Dubai? Is hunting foxes cool now it's illegal? Would you rather have no knees or no elbows? These and other 'Frequently Asked Questions' are posed, pondered and pontificated on by a panel of Britain's brightest comedy stars.
So, next week, is it going to be, like, "if you were on an airline seat and alsion moyet sat next to you(etc etc)" or "If a ravenous lion fell on your head, who would you rather have cushion the blow: 1. phil collins 2. shakin' stevens (etc etc)" I think this sounds like the only hope for this program

-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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Then the presenters could be all like "YOU = PC NAZI I AM LEAVING THE STUDIO FOREVER AND SUING YOU"
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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Then one of the presenters could accuse one of the cameramen of being james bl0unt, who obviously sent him all that junk mail.
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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Unread Messages
I'd probably watch thi program if it was like that, and if i had a telly of course.
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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actually no, probably i wouldn't.
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

Did he appear to in any way represent the lollipop guild?
-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...)

-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), September 28th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

Mike you are a fuckpuppet in black or out of it

-- anthony (anthonyeasto...), September 28th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

stick your hand up me then and make me do your bidding

-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), September 29th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

I am baby i am

-- anthony (anthonyeasto...), September 29th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

Also I think it may be high time for a new EXCELSIOR thread.