i could write a sonnet/about your EXCELSIOR bonnet

a) have heard of flora purim
b) be familiar with jewish holidays

-- helo SCRUMPY (jasonbal...) (webmail), March 28th, 2005. (link)

-- kyle (akmonda...), March 28th, 2005 3:32 PM. (akmonday)

-- mullygrubbr (fan...), March 29th, 2005.

It gets better: I got it on transparent blue vinyl.

-- Stupornaut (natepatri...), March 29th, 2005.

i see you in a new and wondrous light.

-- mullygrubbr (fan...), March 29th, 2005.

-- mookieproof (mookieproo...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

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wow you've just created the worst movie ever, thanks for ruining Speed Racer forever, why don't you kill Santa Claus now too.

-- Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyza...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

-- The Ghost of Guess What My New Favorite Word Is (djperr...), March 29th, 2005 9:27 AM.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I consider it bodacious.

-- Alba (albab...), March 29th, 2005 9:30 AM.
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It's audacious how bodaciously specious it is, my precious.

-- The Ghost of Gollum (djperr...), March 29th, 2005 9:42 AM.
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She's precocious ....

-- Alba (albab...), March 29th, 2005 9:44 AM.

Proof that Alex in NYC is one of the greatest human beings on the planet.

2). POO

3). WEIGH YOURSELF ON A SCALE ONCE MORE; NOTE THE WEIGHT DIFFERENTIAL

4). RECORD YOUR FINDINGS HERE

-- POOGAME4U (POOGAME4...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

Answers

1. 195
2. OW!
3. 240

-- dave225 (right.knewi...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005. (link)

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Come on Dave, how do you really feel about Alex?
-- The Ghost of Wanna Be Startin' Somthing (djperr...), March 29th, 2005

ps. [orig00000478.jpg]

-- Cabaret Voltron (adrian.langsto...), March 29th, 2005 12:54 PM. (PUNXSUTAWNEY PENIS)

It's totally doable, but I think you've got to be in great shape. I'd have to train for it. I'm thinking the trick is drinking enough water with it. (or maybe no water at all? - one of those).

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), March 29th, 2005 1:13 PM. (spencermfi)

NO it is NOT 'doable' and you do NOT have to be in 'great shape' were it so. NO ONE, has ever done it. that '100 lb woman' thing is one of the great (by which i mean, least great) urban myths of our time. it is totally false.

-- eater. (smit...), March 29th, 2005 1:19 PM.

Why do you shit on my dreams!?!?!?!

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...), March 29th, 2005 1:20 PM. (nickalicious)

Linear time, YOU'VE BEEN PUNKD!

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...), March 29th, 2005. (nickalicious) (later)

-- mark p (mark.p****...) (webmail), March 29th, 2005 6:40 AM. (Mark P) (link)

-- David R. (quoteidio...), March 29th, 2005 3:57 PM. (popshots75`) (later)

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If the thread is repeated, it must be deleted.
-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), March 29th, 2005 10:18 PM. (Pleasant Plains ///) (later)

...
Those Ringtones Came From Somewhere, You Know

-- b-bone (inf...), March 22nd, 2005.

Unless you start calling an MS sufferer 'limpy' or something, in which case it'd be a bit questionable if they weren't pissed off.
-- Autumn Almanac, March 30th, 2005 5:05 PM.

what about hopalong?
-- gem, March 30th, 2005 5:10 PM.

Hi I recently took the virginity of my lovely girlfriend. Her vagina is still bleeding fairly heavily ~4 hours after. (fyi: she is with a girlfriend now and is consulting a doctor soon) I was fairly gentle, used a condom and plenty of lube. I am within one standard deviation of normal penis size. I think I did hit her cervix a bunch. What could be going on? Should I worry?
-- Troubled, March 30th, 2005 7:04 PM.

Answers

Tell us more about the normal distribution of the penis.
-- math attack, March 30th, 2005 7:13 PM.

"Filigree and Shadow is the second in a line of three This Mortal Coil releases, and is considered by many to be the best. (I'll still take their third album, It'll End In Tears, even if it does have that godawful cover of Big Star's "Kangaroo.") If you're into 4AD, you're probably on your third copy of this disc. If you're not familiar, this is a great place to start... that is, if you like your music spooky and woozy."

Is that not a glaring mistake in there?

-- Michael Copeland (fattymc...), January 7th, 2005 12:11 PM.

I think that was apparent the moment the word "Pitchfork" appeared.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), January 7th, 2005 1:00 PM. (Ned)

-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), March 28th, 2005 11:27 PM. (Pleasant Plains ///) (later)

(the most I've laughed at an ILX thread in years!!! Thanks PP :))

-- Andrew Farrell (afarrel...) (webmail), March 30th, 2005. (link)

"how are we referring to our penises today", entry #23549

-- mark p (mark.p****...), March 30th, 2005.

awful roffle

i love the 'lies' on the newspaper box cuz it inevitably becomes 'flies' within the week. sometimes you get someone esp. handy with a spraycan 'propaganda' becomes 'props2gandalf'.
-- j blount (jamesbloun...), March 30th, 2005 1:05 PM. (papa la bas) (later) (link)

-- j blount (jamesbloun...), March 30th, 2005.

and the crazy bitches come out of the woodwork...

-- BOATPEOPLEHATEFUCK (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), March 30th, 2005. (ex machina) (later)

Note that the things you should hide from Bon's advances are your "daughter," "wife" and "back door."

-- miccio (anthonyisrigh...), March 30th, 2005. (later)

translation: i will fuck the women, kill you and stick it in your pooper for good measure.

-- miccio (anthonyisrigh...), March 30th, 2005. (later)

thanks for that translation! it's hard to pick up on the subtle innuendos of AC/DC.

-- M@tt He1geson (matt@game[remove]informer.com), March 30th, 2005. (later)

-- Nowell (noelcollin...), March 31st, 2005.

Nabokov to thread.

-- Remy Ulysses Q. Fitzgerald (jcoomb...), March 31st, 2005.

CSI: Skaro
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:14 AM. (mark s) (later)

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alien vs predator vs dalek
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:20 AM. (mark s) (later)

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Dr Quinn: Pan-Galactic Surgeon-Being
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:24 AM. (mark s) (later)

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Desperate Companions
-- Sven Basted (stevem7...), March 31st, 2005 10:30 AM. (blueski) (later)

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Timelords Wive$
-- Jerry the Nipper (jerrythenippe...), March 31st, 2005 10:31 AM. (Jerrynipper) (later)

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Alan Davies is always the Doctor in my heart.
-- Tom (freakytrigge...), March 31st, 2005 10:36 AM. (Groke) (later)

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Dude where's my TARDIS?
-- mark s (mar...), March 31st, 2005 10:38 AM. (mark s) (later)

If you had only 8 bucks and had to choose between the two....

-- Lord Custos Omicron (l.custo...), March 31st, 2005. (later)

'ace of space' vs 'bummer'

-- dave q (scrape10...), March 31st, 2005. (later)

'back in the new york groove'. seriously, are you high?

-- dave q (scrape10...), March 31st, 2005. (later)

... what would it release?

-- phil jones (intersta...) (webmail), March 31st, 2005. (link)

Answers

SEMEN

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...) (webmail), March 31st, 2005. (link)

http://img16.paintedover.com/uploads/16/centipedes.jpg

xpost haha!

-- j blount (jamesbloun...) (webmail), April 1st, 2005 8:14 PM. (papa la bas) (link)

dood sign me up for the Peniston Militia. (are they a division of Uncle Jam's Army?)

-- Shakey Mo Collier (audiobo...) (webmail), April 1st, 2005 8:14 PM. (link)

they're the moderate breakoff faction from the crystal waters minutemen.

-- j blount (jamesbloun...) (webmail), April 1st, 2005 8:18 PM. (papa la bas) (link)

-- Remy Ulysses Fitzgerald (jcoomb...), April 1st, 2005 10:53 PM.

And Pet Shop Boys on the next issue!!

IN THE MAY 2005 ISSUE OF MOJO...

FREE CD! DEEP SOUTHERN SOUL
15 tracks of soul from the deep south - , including Arthur Conley, , Tweet, Candi Staton, Ann Peebles, Kelly Clarkson and more!

PET SHOP BOYS
Nearly 20 years after West End Girls. The Pet Shop Boys influence on the head, heart and the dancefloor continues. Pat Gilbert meets Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe as they unburden themselves to Mojo with tales of high jinks with New Order, their fascination with Morrissey and how they turned Ozzy Osbourne down.

50 CENT
The biggest thing since the Beatles speaks exclusively to Charles Shaar Murray and shows that it's not all guns, Courvoisier and that Eminem is a very nice boy, really.

KYLIE
On tour with Oz's finest export since the Easybeats? It's not all frocks as David Fricke meets the petite, princess of pop and shows there's more to her than meets the eye.

GIRLS ALOUD
Because blondes don't always have more fun. The rise and rise of Xenomania as seen through the eyes of Geordie chavette Cheryl Tweedy. By Bill Holdship.

KEVIN AYERS
On life after Soft Machine, playing tonsil hockey with Nico and why Eno cheats when playing Cluedo. By David Katz.

THE MOJO FILTER

ALBUMS
Eels makes it a double, Rachel Stevens get the five-star treatment, Aimee Mann gets punchy and Moby checks in with a stinker..

REISSUES
Motorhead's lost ambient recordings, Complete Vera Lynn 1940-55, Ace of Base is reassessed while yet another Fall box set checks in.

DVDs
Village People can't stop the music and Killing Joke honour the fire.

BOOKS
Simon Reynolds gets postpunk on our ass and more books about four Liverpudlian chancers.

LIVES
Tony Christie, Gang Of Four.

HOW TO BUY
Stock, Aitken and Waterman. Sadly Sonia missed the cut, but we have Mel and Kim.

-- Billy Dods (butterbubble...), April 1st, 2005.

DVDs
Village People can't stop the music and Killing Joke honour the fire.

Hey whoa hey!

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), April 1st, 2005.

Oh you fucker!

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), April 1st, 2005.

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/03/30/international/gay.xlaerge1.jpg

-- Dude, are you a 15 year old asian chick? (still.beven...), April 1st, 2005 10:11 AM. (jingleberries)

I dunno, but you can get 1,000/1 on the guy on the right getting the white smoke.

-- Markelby (boyincorduro...), April 1st, 2005 10:13 AM. (Mark C)

I bet several are Tottenham supporters.

-- Frogman Henry (fr...), April 1st, 2005 10:14 AM.

I'll give you one clue: they all hate gay people.

-- Dude, are you a 15 year old asian chick? (still.beven...), April 1st, 2005 10:18 AM. (jingleberries)

I think the guy in the middle is The Honorable Lama Lumpo Smythe-Finkel of the Serious Hat Order.

-- Shakey Mo Collier (audiobo...), April 1st, 2005 10:18 AM.

-- RJG (RJ...), March 31st, 2005.

-- Autumn Almanac (ada...), April 1st, 2005 6:18 PM. (Autumn Almanac)

-- Autumn Almanac (ada...), April 1st, 2005 8:07 AM. (Autumn Almanac) (later)

dude, did you read my post up above? no wonder we are married in real life. we are heartless lovebirds!

-- scott seward (skotro...), April 1st, 2005

MARIA GET A LIVING WILL

-- j blount (jamesbloun...), April 1st, 2005

Really depends on who is doing the farting and who else is in the hot tub.

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), April 1st, 2005.

And if the bubbles are on.

-- sunburned and snowblind (fluxion2...), April 1st, 2005.

-- s1ocki (slytus...), April 1st, 2005 2:55 PM. (slutsky) (later) (link)

I want to steal his notebook.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, that is the last thing we need.
-- N. (nickdastoo...), October 20th, 2002.

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...) (webmail), June 26th, 2004 12:56 AM. (tracerhand) (link)

Hey werekitten!
-- conner Smedley (conner66...), February 2nd, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i mean Martin!!!
-- conner Smedley (conner66...), February 2nd, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I think we'll stick with Martin.
-- Martin Skidmore (martin.skidmore...), February 2nd, 2003.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK

YOUR WEREWOLF FRIEND,

CONNER SMEDLEY!

-- conner Smedley (conner66...), February 2nd, 2003.

if she is trying to make this sound like a bad thing, she didn't do a very good job.

-- scott seward (skotro...), April 1st, 2005.

-- s1ocki (slytus...), April 4th, 2005. (slutsky) (later)

BETTER = buttsex w/ a bushco supporter, and shouting out @ orgasm, "you realize that THIS IS WHAT BUSH IS DOING TO THE COUNTRY, RIGHT?!?"

-- Eisb�r (llamasfu...), April 4th, 2005.

-- laurence kansas (lawrence_kansa...), April 1st, 2005 11:07 PM. (lawrence kansas) (later)

What a lovely story. What flavor pizza?

-- M. White (deir...), April 1st, 2005 11:08 PM. (Miguelito) (later)

Both parts made me laugh, but together they were fantastic.

all "intellectual" means is that you make a living with your mind. it's not an honorific.
-- Matos-Webster Dictionary (michaelangelomato...), April 4th, 2005. (later)

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most "intellectuals" I know make a living working shitty retail!
-- absolutego (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), April 4th, 2005. (later)

Jeez, it's not like he's Calum or Lord Custos!

---

Post here the best fanboy* responses, warts and all, you have yet come across (could be an online posting, etc.).

* we can operationally define this as "one who is irrationally dedicated to a band, to the point that they take any/all negative comments about the band in a personal manner that does not suggest mental health"

My own favorite is this gem, posted in response to a negative Internet review for Dream Theater's Train of Thought:

"u know.....thats not even a review...talking about petrucci jerking himself off...look....i will burn you alive...just becuase of your stupidity..not even about the band..just your fucking review and how fucking humiliating to yourself it was.
go jerk yourself off...since that is better than one of the greatest bands in the world. At elast they can speak and write something decent.

fucker"

[the post is then signed "the fucker that will burn you"]

-- Joe (lakeside04...), April 5th, 2005. (later)

Answers

I have been inspired.

-- the fucker that will burn you (sundar_subramanian200...), April 5th, 2005. (later

-- Marshall (...), April 5th, 2005.

Who's his fattey friend?

-- Alex in LA (power.strik...), April 5th, 2005.

maria conchita alonso

-- cutty (holle...), April 5th, 2005.

What's with the guy in the hot pink shirt? Can keep his mouth closed? He's clearly gagging for it in every pic.

-- Alex in LA (power.strik...), April 5th, 2005.

i'd alonso her conchita.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 5th, 2005.

log off, dude.

-- Alex in LA (power.strik...), April 5th, 2005.

why bother?

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 5th, 2005.

logjerk off, dude.

-- Alex in LA (power.strik...), April 5th, 2005.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), April 4th, 2005 8:52 AM. (Ned)

had it before traveling to somewhere obscure. No ill effects.

-- Ed (dal...), April 4th, 2005. (dali)

but ed! your hair!

-- mark s (mar...), April 4th, 2005. (mark s)

-- Guymauve (geoff...), April 5th, 2005.

Answers

Surely you jest?

-- Dadaismus (dadaismu...), April 5th, 2005.

I don't, but I'm sure someone there will.

-- Guymauve (geoff...), April 5th, 2005.

I wouldn't bet on it

-- Dadaismus (dadaismu...), April 5th, 2005.

SUGE KNIGHT TO PLAY FIONA APPLE
-- nickalicious

HALF-MELTED STICK OF BUTTER TO PLAY BARRY WHITE
-- nickalicious

THREE LEAVES OF GRASS ON A PLATE FULL OF PEANUT BUTTER TO PLAY VAN MORRISON
-- nickalicious

BOWL FULL OF TOENAIL CLIPPINGS TO PLAY MARK E. SMITH
-- nickalicious

EWAN MACGREGOR TO PLAY GLAM ROCK STAR
-- A / F#m / Bm / D

Clapton is a proto-douchebag...

-- M@tt He1geson (matt@game[remove]informer.com), April 5th, 2005.

-- M. White (deir...), April 5th, 2005 5:17 PM.

What Smiths' song is that from?

-- Dadaismus (dadaismu...), April 5th, 2005 5:19 PM.

What difference does it make?

-- M. White (deir...), April 5th, 2005 5:21 PM

seriously -- i think that they're gonna go all konstantin chernenko, and pick a "place-keeper," someone who will keep the place tidy and has some administrative know-how but doesn't rustle too many feathers. maybe this cardinal ratzinger dude -- a GERMAN pope?!?
the next one may be the "gorbachev" pope. or maybe not. i dunno what i'm talking about here!

-- Eisbär (llamasfu...), April 5th, 2005. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unread Messages
gorbachev pope = has mark of beast birthmark on head!!
(haha damien I)

-- mark s (mar...), April 5th, 2005. (later)

-- mark s (mar...) (webmail), April 5th, 2005 12:47 PM. (later

-- mark s (mar...), April 5th, 2005 1:03 PM.

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I waited until she was ready to leave, so I hit reset on my computer and went after. I walked up next to her and said "Hi", and she said hi back and kept walking. She has a suprisingly loud firm voice - I thought she was meant to be shy?. She's Irish, I think. So I said "thisisabitweird" and she said "Whuh?" and I said "This is a bit weird". Just as we were getting to the library gate I asked, "Are you doing anything right now?". She said "No... She said "I'm going home", in her very strong firm Irish "Look, I've had enough of this stupid argument....

"I'm going home" voice. And that was that, so i went back to another computer, began to login and hoped I'd see her again, but then I thought fuck it and ran out of the library down the stairs, along a corridor, looke dout of a window, couldn't see her, down more stairs along a corridor, out the front door, down to the end of the road looked both ways, back to the car park, then back to the end of the road and the main route home and ran like a bastard to this horrible scraggy Electronics building computer room, cz there was no sign of her.

THE END

-- Graham (dtc...), December 5th, 2002.
Well done! You broke the ice. Can't expect more than that on the first go.

Her firm voice is probably just a sign of irritation that you haven't approached her sooner.

Now that contact is established, you can have a little conversation next time and see where it leads.

-- Paul Eater (list...), December 5th, 2002.

-- maria tessa sciarrino (mari...), April 6th, 2005 2:04 AM.

dissensus would be like jonestown if that happened
-- j blount (jamesbloun...), April 6th, 2005 2:12 AM.

or how I learned to stop lurking and eat dick fagtogs

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
RONAN, a golf raver
GARETH, a charlton lido
MOMUS, the god of mockery, unfounded criticism and faultfinding
TRACER HAND, a traitor to his homeland

TRACER HAND is sitting in a chair made from hundreds of choice early and mid-nineties R+S vinyl releases. GARETH and RONAN are standing nearby, looking sketchy and holding big glasses of lager. MOMUS is attached to the ceiling via a number of suction cups. Playing in the background is Atmosfear's "Motivation (Dimitri From Paris remix)."

TRACER HAND: It just seems like the argument that if we pay Haggar workers .25/hr to make corduroy jeans in Ciudad Juarez, they'll buy lots of refrigerators and cars and CDs and matchsticks, has seemed, como se dice, BUSHEET MAN.

GARETH: Ah durnt lark Trayrcer's turn!

RONAN: Haha!

GARETH: Rurnan can ah borror yer hepflarsk? What yow gorinnit?

RONAN: Grayrveh.

MOMUS: By the way, your reflection on the lost joys of collectivism touches on something I just wrote in an (otherwise rather prosaic) essay I just posted to the Momus site. Yes, I've been experiencing major nostalgia for the Soviet Union!

Everyone turns into a Sanrio character.

THE END

-- TOMBOT (fanfi...) (webmail), February 26th, 2004 12:43 AM. (link)

-- Martin Skidmore (...), April 8th, 2002.

(as we seem to be in "posts that made you LOL from years ago that you've only just read today")

-- latebloomer: strawman knockdowner (posercore24...), April 5th, 2005.

EXCELSIOR UPDATE:

send pictures dean, pls.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 5th, 2005.

oh, you don't need pictures of me. just use your imagination!

-- Alex in LA (power.strik...), April 5th, 2005.

and lube.

-- Alex in LA (power.strik...), April 5th, 2005.

you can't put your arms around a memory, dean.

--
hstencil ([email protected]), April 5th, 2005.

-- Momus (nic...), April 6th, 2005 1:17 PM. (Momus) (later)

BTW if you do listen to that repeat broadcast, make sure you skip the hourly news. I just almost hard a fucking heart attack when they announced that the Pope had just regained consciousness.
-- NickB (nic...) (webmail), April 6th, 2005 1:38 PM. (link)

-- mark grout (mark.grou...), April 6th, 2005. (later)

So if the title could be modified:
the smell of semen c/d

Gracias.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), April 6th, 2005 9:54 AM. (Ned) (tracklink) (later) (link)

Answers

okay, I'm taking your word for it now though, since I'm eating potato salad.
-- teeny (teen...), April 6th, 2005 11:10 AM. (teeny) (later) (link)

I thought that's what Dan Akroyd was for.
-- Huk-L (handsomishbo...), April 6th, 2005 1:37 PM. (later)

fun canfact: dan aykroyd predates gay people and drugs
-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 6th, 2005 1:40 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh, you'd remember it.
-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 6th, 2005.

"Young, Dumfries and full of Cumberland"

-- Mark C (boyincorduro...)

TASTE THE RAINBOW
-- Alex in TCBY (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), April 7th, 2005 9:50 AM. (ex machina)

-- Hurting (Hurtingchie...), April 7th, 2005. (Hurting) (later)

Answers

we won!

-- mark s (mar...), April 7th, 2005. (mark s) (later)

Without Iggy, there wouldn't have been...blah blah blah blah blah blah blah....

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), April 7th, 2005.

Without Iggy there wouldn't have been "Blah Blah Blah".

.
-- Jon Hope (swo...), April 7th, 2005.

-- happy fun ball (flu...), April 7th, 2005.

-- happy fun ball (fluxion2...), April 7th, 2005.

ihttp://www.celebjunction.com/actresses/c/calista/enlarge/3.jpg

Well, sort of.

-- M. White (deir...), April 7th, 2005.

or any others given your country of origin.

from my country i think it's called "chris evans"

-- ken c (pykachu10...), April 8th, 2005 6:55 PM. (ken c)

my penis is 7 inches.

-- fghfdhd (dhsdg...), April 8th, 2005 12:42 AM.

7.1

-- David Svensson (power.strik...), April 8th, 2005 12:44 AM.

JUST TO MAKE IT CLEAR, I HAVE ONLY ONE PICTURE. YET THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME. ONLY ONE WILL CONTINUE TO BE IN THE RUNNING TO BECOME AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. THE OTHER PERSON WILL NO LONGER BE A CONTENDER FOR THE TITLE OF AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHOSE PICTURE I WILL SHOW.

HEAR ME, FROM MOUNTAIN HIGH TO VALLEY LOW, AND KNOW THAT I WILL SHOW THE PICTURE VERY SOON, AND WHEN I DO, IT WILL BE CLEAR AS DAY WHICH OF THESE TWO PEOPLE STANDING BEFORE ME WILL STILL BE QUALIFIED TO AT SOME LATER TIME BE NAMED "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL"

-- ronny longjohns, April 8th, 2005 10:52 PM. (later)

But will I get a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl cosmetics? WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME?

-- Markelby, April 8th, 2005 5:24 AM. (later)

YES, AND THANKS FOR ASKING... IN FACT THIS IS BUT ONE OF THE PRIZES WHICH WILL BE AWARDED TO THE PERSON WHO BECOMES AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL.

ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO WILL REMAIN IN CONTENTION FOR THIS TITLE (AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL), WILL BE IDENTIFIABLE BY LOOKING AT THE ONE PICTURE I AM ABOUT TO SHOW, WHICH I MIGHT ADD IS NOTABLE IN AND OF ITSELF BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT THERE ARE NOT ONE BUT TWO PEOPLE BEFORE ME.

LOOK AT THE PICTURE WHICH I WILL SHOW PRESENTLY, AND IDENTIFY WHICH OF THE TWO PEOPLE STANDING BEFORE ME APPEARS IN THE PHOTOGRAPH. REMEMBER THAT THE OTHER PERSON WILL NOT BE IN THE PHOTOGRAPH. IT'S JUST THE ONE. PERSON, THAT IS. WELL, ACTUALLY WE MUST REMEMBER THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE PHOTOGRAPH. DID I SAY ONE PERSON? THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE STANDING BEFORE ME. BUT WHAT I MEANT WAS THAT ONE PERSON WOULD BE IN THE PHOTOGRAPH. AND FOR THAT PERSON THE POSSIBILITY REMAINS THAT ONE DAY THEY WILL BE NAMED AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!111!!WTFOMG

-- ronny longjohns, April 8th, 2005 11:25 AM. (later)

-- fe zaffe (fezaff...), April 8th, 2005 11:11 AM. (later)

hrdr wth n cnsnts thn n vwls, yh?

-- Adherents of the Repeated Kate (masonicboo...), April 8th, 2005 11:12 AM. (later)

nt if yr trzn.

-- mark grout (mark.grou...), April 8th, 2005 11:14 AM. (later)

What is absolutely untruthful is to imply that people disliking disco had anything at all to do with homophobia OR rascism.

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), April 8th, 2005

-- Soukesian (byakhee2000nospa...), April 8th, 2005 4:46 PM.

Ad Rock will pull a sad face.

-- Dom Passantino (juror...), April 8th, 2005 8:25 AM. (Dom Passantino)

I don't think I'd like dave matthews.
posted by RJG 9:46 PM (email) (2000 answers)

-- Frogman Henry (fr...), April 8th, 2005 7:48 AM.

a bespectacled depressive shut-in and his tiny pet cricket that lives in his pocket laboriously travel around the country by greyhound to murder people from an internet messageboard in outlandish manners suggested by their 'posting style', is finally caught when attempting to feed longhaired subjectivist Ted Daggett into the parenthetical mouth of a giant, winking face

-- trife (...), September 1st, 2003 10:58 PM.

-- Plunging Hen (fridaystreettreck...), April 8th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All robots are gay.
PS: not really.

-- Drew Daniel (), April 7th, 2005 10:42 PM. (Drew Daniel)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

data ain't gay.
-- hstencil (), April 7th, 2005 10:53 PM. (hstencil)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he's bi.
-- hstencil (), April 7th, 2005 10:53 PM. (hstencil)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

bi...nary!
-- Remy (), April 7th, 2005 10:58 PM. (x Jeremy)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ZING!
-- Remy (), April 7th, 2005 10:58 PM. (x Jeremy)

of course, you do realize that parallelism made jar jar binks possible

-- Where is Erasto B. Mpemba? (j()nathan.william$@geeMaleDotCom), April 8th, 2005.

Cobain Honoured By Home Town -- The late Kurt Cobain is to be honoured by his home town of Aberdeen, in Washington state. This is to take the form of a sign saying: 'Welcome To Aberdeen. Come As You Are', which people will see as they enter the town. The second part, of course, is also a song from the classic 'Nevermind' album.

-- scott seward (skotro...) (webmail), April 11th, 2005 11:22 PM. (scott seward) (link)

Answers

And infinitely better than "Welcome to Aberdeen. Rape Me."

-- I DESIRE...MACARONI NECKLACES AND SOAP SCULPTURES (roastingonanopenfireSPAMPL...) (webmail), April 11th, 2005 11:28 PM. (Matt Chesnut) (link)

-- Momus (nic...) (webmail), April 11th, 2005. (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Be blind, my mind's eye!

-- Madchen (madchen_in_unifor...) (webmail), April 11th, 2005. (link)

Oh What My Tongue Could Do To That!;P

-- NamC (nam...), April 11th, 2005 5:38 PM.

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"Joining us on the line is an expert who can tell us a few things about this. Martha King, the cofounder of the King Schools, the largest aviation instruction school in the world, and the woman who holds more ratings for flying than any other woman on the planet, and happens to fly a lot of blimps--mostly for Fuji, but has been on this one in particular, joins us to talk a little bit about it. Martha, good to have you with us--this is not, first of all, a dangerous situation, right?"

"This is not at all a dangerous situation, Miles."

-- teeny (teen...), April 11th, 2005 11:36 AM.

this is a strange thing to say.

-- The Good Dr. Bill (...) April 11th, 2005 9:06 PM. (later) (link)

-----------------------------------

Geir is a strange thing to be.

-- Frogman Henry (...) April 11th, 2005 9:09 PM. (later) (link)

-- Lëêé (leeee...), April 11th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.
-- Bibbo Batman (rus...), April 11th, 2005.

1. nettle
2. thistle
3. holly
4. monkey puzzle tree
5. vast thomas heath3rington sculpture made of metal
-- mark s (mar...), April 12th, 2005 9:53 AM. (mark s)

DANDELION GREENS

-- jody the country girl doll (theundergroundhom...), April 12th, 2005.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

DANDELION GREENS IS PEOPLE

-- mark s (mar...), April 12th, 2005.

When you get to my age you need a nap after a wank.

-- Billy Dods

-- Momus

Ce sont seulement les artistes de ta stature qui peuvent s'en permettre?

-- Benjamin Biolay

1. Molly
2. Amy
3. Claire
4. Emily
5. Katie
6. Madeline
7. Katelyn
8. Emma
9. Abigail
10. Carly
11. Jenna
12. Heather
13. Katherine
14. Caitlin
15. Kaitlin
16. Holly
17. Allison
18. Kaitlyn
19. Hannah
20. Kathryn

AKA TEH POLYPHONIC SPREE

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...) (webmail), April 12th, 2005 8:36 AM. (nickalicious) (later)

i emailed harpoon when i moved to chicago two years ago, they basically told me to go shit in my hat.

-- otto (otto_midnigh...) (webmail), April 1st, 2003. (link)

teh noize bored.

21. Seals & Crofts - Summer Breeze

-- Hurlothrumbo (rthache...), April 12th, 2005 12:36 PM. (hurlothrumbo) (later) (link)

[snip]

OH NO SUMMER BREEZE IS MAKING ME FEEL FINE RIGHT NOW ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH

-- David R. (quoteidio...), April 12th, 2005 12:40 PM. (popshots75`) (later) (link)

[snip]

MY BRANE IS FULL OF JASMINE AUUUUUUUUUUGH

-- David R. (quoteidio...), April 12th, 2005 12:41 PM. (popshots75`) (later) (link)

-- Haikunym (zinogu...), April 12th, 2005 12:29 PM. (Haikunym)

As long as people don't xpost themselves to minors.

-- M. White (deir...), April 12th, 2005 12:33 PM. (Miguelito)

-- The Ghost of MEOW (djperr...), April 12th, 2005 1:32 PM. (Dan Perry) (link)

she's canadian
-- Amateur(ist), April 12th, 2005 9:13 AM.

IVE GOT WHOZITS AND WHATSITS GALORE
YOU WANT THINGAMABOBS? I'VE GOT TWENTY
BUT WHO CARES? NO BIG DEAL?
I WANT MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

I WANNA BE WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE
I WANNA SEE EM DANCING AROUND ON THOS
WHATEVER THE FUCKS THEY ARE
FUCKIGN FEET.

FLIPPING YOR FINS U DON'T GET TOO FAR
BUT WOH CARES NO BIG DEAL I WNAT MOOOOORE
Strollin' along down a
(What's that word again?) sTREET!

http://www.freewebs.com/stormydaydollz/My%20Animated%20Brown%20haired%20mermaid.gif

-- Remy (jcoomb...), April 12th, 2005 6:25 AM. (x Jeremy) (later)

The Little NoizeDude

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), April 12th, 2005 6:26 AM. (Ned) (later)

Angry Father: (catching his son at it) What the hell are you doing??!!

Son: (nonchalantly) Scheduled prostate maintenance. Why do you ask?

-- M. White (deir...), April 12th, 2005.

As long as that scene doesn't turn into a PSA w/ kid defensively screaming "I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!" at his dad, it's all good.

-- David R. (quoteidio...), April 12th, 2005.

-- Anna (Fieldingann...) (webmail), April 13th, 2005 11:56 AM. (link)

Answers
My mum bought it!
-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...) (webmail), April 13th, 2005 12:00 PM. (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Severely overweight 39 year old women whose only reason to keep living is so they can do the karaoke at the Rose & Crown on Thursday night.
-- dog latin (doglati...) (webmail), April 13th, 2005 12:02 PM. (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

xpost (sorry Marcello)
-- dog latin (doglati...) (webmail), April 13th, 2005 12:03 PM. (link)

(ouch!)

-- gygax! (gygax0...), April 13th, 2005.

Although if I was I would probably have told everyone by now. The father is strangely silent isn't he? No chain emails saying, "Woohoo - I knocked up the Brit" or anything.

-- NamC (nam...), April 13th, 2005. (later)

Answers
one thread a day dickface

-- g e o f f (gffcnn...), April 13th, 2005. (later)

-- n/a (nu...), April 13th, 2005 5:22 PM. (Nick A.) (later)

GIRL 1: "You HIT HER with QUARTERS?"
GIRL 2: "Yeah"
GIRL 1: "Why?"
GIRL 2: "We were in the locker room.. and *begins to whisper twice as loud as her talking voice* I swear to god her nipples were THIS big!"
ALL GIRLS: "OMG OMG OMG LOL OMG OMG OMG!"
GIRL 1: "Did you hurt her?"
GIRL 2: "Nah. I did call her Quarter Nipples during track practice, though"
ALL GIRLS: "LOL LOL LOL LOL OMG"

And then a seagull overhead pooped on GIRL 2's head.

The other girls were OD'ing on the OMGing and the LOLing after that.

I grabbed my bus. They went on another bus.

End of story.

-- donut debonair (do...) (webmail), April 12th, 2005. (link)

What would a conversation with the Bunton consist of?
Moronic/ignorant rantings, useless horror-flick knowledge, wrong-headed opinions about art/society/politics/relationships, playground insults, hissy fits, homophobia/misogyny, barely concealed revelations of sexual inadequacy, and jokes about serial killers?

Just a guess.

-- Masked Gazza (m...) (webmail), April 13th, 2005 9:44 AM. (later)

-- xhuxk (xedd...), April 13th, 2005. (later)

I was not told this story until much later. The story I was told at the time involved the kitten going on holidays to Majorca. I even got a postcard.

-- accentmonkey (tris...) (webmail), April 11th, 2005. (link)

-- n/a (nu...), April 13th, 2005.

cheese is awesome!

-- s1ocki (slytus...), April 13th, 2005.

It's probably been around in theater for hundreds of years. For the sake of economy (not having to hire another actor for a small part) and for the sake of comedy and/or drama (imagination can be more powerful than the reality that you can present).
-- n/a (nu...), April 13th, 2005 2:52 PM. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there's no way imagination can be more powerful than the fantastical dreamworld of inspector gadget.
-- s1ocki (slytus...), April 13th, 2005 2:53 PM. (later)

-- j blount (jamesbloun...), April 13th, 2005 11:44 PM.

bjork did a song about that episode called 'venus as a boy'.

-- j blount (jamesbloun...), April 13th, 2005 11:48 PM

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sure, blame the victim!
-- s1ocki (slytus...), April 14th, 2005. (slutsky) (later)

-- laurence kansas (lawrence_kansa...), April 14th, 2005 3:07 PM. (lawrence kansas) (link)

I pity you and the life you've led.

-- Jordan (jordan...), April 14th, 2005 3:08 PM. (Jordan) (link)

-- Yanc3y (ystrickle...), May 12th, 2003 12:16 AM. (ystrickler) (link)

-- Vestigial Appendages, Esq. () (webmail), April 14th, 2005 3:40 PM. (later) (link)

Answers

Pink Fraud.

-- shookout () (webmail), April 14th, 2005 3:45 PM. (later) (link)

------------------------------
Stink Floyd.

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) () (webmail), April 14th, 2005 3:46 PM. (later) (link)

------------------------------
Pink `Roid.

-- Alex in NYC () (webmail), April 14th, 2005 3:50 PM. (later) (link)

------------------------------
Dink Plaud

-- Star Cauliflower () (webmail), April 14th, 2005 3:51 PM. (later) (link)

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) ([email protected]), April 15th, 2005 1:31 AM. (Gear!) (later)

-- Amon (masses7...), April 15th, 2005.

-- roxymuzak (emilysu...) (webmail), April 15th, 2005 12:22 PM. (roxymuzak) (link)

I wish my girlfriend would call me the server.

-- stephen morris (bunchoffive...) (webmail), April 15th, 2005 12:22 PM. (stephen morris) (link)

Find a trusted source of high-quality, authentic Mexican food before you dare consume a tamale.

-- Miss Misery (texan...), April 15th, 2005.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

At long last I have an answer to the question "How is a tamale like anal sex?"

-- The Ghost of Dan Perry (djperr...), April 15th, 2005.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I don't have a fork/spoon I eat it with the husk on, like one would eat a banana, burrito, or elephant phallus.

-- gygax! (gygax0...), April 15th, 2005.

-- Forksclovetofu (forksclovetof...) (webmail), April 15th, 2005 11:51 PM. (Forksclovetofu) (later)

Haha... here's a mind-bender. If you were on a desert island and you had to take it in the pooper from Doomie or conner smedley in order to survive, who'd it be?

Let's not forget that conner Smedley was a lady.

-- Casuistry (chri...), April 16th, 2005. (later)

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
-- jel -- (freeduni...), April 16th, 2005. (later)

I think I got that wrong.
-- jel -- (freeduni...), April 16th, 2005. (later)

------------------

Yes, it is.
I am now the proud owner of 76 copies of MIA's "Arular".

-- Brooker Buckingham (brooker...) (webmail), April 16th, 2005 11:41 PM

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), April 17th, 2005.

my opinion of elvis's classicness has just been confirmed.

-- J.D. (aubade8...), April 17th, 2005.

no, I don't. Hell, i don't even have a car.

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), August 6th, 2004.

Ans: Sex, mark?

-- ken c (pykachu10...), April 18th, 2005 11:03 AM. (ken c)

No thanks.

-- mark grout (mark.grou...), April 18th, 2005 11:04 AM. (mark grout)

"Ans:" is the archaic spelling of "Anus", yes?

-- The Ghost of Dan Perry (djperr...), April 18th, 2005 11:05 AM. (Dan Perry)

-- The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylure...) (webmail), April 10th, 2004 10:17 PM. (lucylurex) (link)

nothing is really stopping you now

-- strongo hulkington (dubplatestyl...) (webmail), April 10th, 2004 10:18 PM. (dubplatestyle) (link)

i have refried beans in my buttcrack as i type.

-- The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylure...) (webmail), April 10th, 2004 10:25 PM. (lucylurex) (link)

it's probably wrong that i find that queerly erotic

-- strongo hulkington (dubplatestyl...) (webmail), April 10th, 2004 10:28 PM. (dubplatestyle) (link)

jaysus the edge.

-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald6NOSPA...) (webmail), April 10th, 2004 10:30 PM. (Ronan) (link)

-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), April 19th, 2005 10:03 AM. (nostudium) (later)

In a hot way!!

-- Cathy (cathyleec...), April 19th, 2005 10:06 AM. (Cathy) (later)

-- Autumn Almanac (ada...) (webmail), April 19th, 2005. (link)

-- Leon Future Coffee (nicole.kessle...) (webmail), April 18th, 2005. (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Benedict, no more eggs!
-- Vic in Alderaan (ioshine99...), April 19th, 2005.

FUCK YOU

-- Samuel Glickstein (adamr...), April 19th, 2005 7:01 PM.

I thought I had read four times a week in some study, but I might be wrong. In my 23 years living with someone, I considered 4 times a week about tolerable, and when it got to 10/week for any length of time, that got to seem a bit much after a while. Something in between suited me.

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...), April 19th, 2005.

That is because you do not have a girlfriend, Phil.

xposts, I hate you Martin Skidmore.

-- Jordan (jordan...), April 19th, 2005.

how do you find time for 10 times a week?

-- kelsey (kelstarr...), April 19th, 2005.

Don't hate the player, hate his magic stick.

-- David R. (quoteidio...), April 19th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, Julian Casablancas has truly flowered into womanhood!
-- Le Coq (darrensco...), January 13th, 2004 3:22 AM.

-- donut debonair (do...) (webmail), April 20th, 2005 7:36 PM. (donut) (link)

http://www.berlinchicago.com/

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) (speed.to.r[email protected]om) (webmail), April 20th, 2005 7:38 PM. (Gear!) (link)

Boo! I want darkness, linked chain fences, and mohawks.

-- donut debonair (do...) (webmail), April 20th, 2005 7:45 PM. (donut) (link)

http://www.cookcountysheriff.org/doc/

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) ([email protected]) (webmail), April 20th, 2005 7:50 PM. (Gear!) (link)

-- maria tessa sciarrino (mari...), April 20th, 2005 11:03 AM. (later)

christian rock?

-- Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyza...), April 20th, 2005 11:03 AM. (later)

-- haitch (big.jesus.trash.ca...), April 19th, 2005 9:51 AM. (haitch) (later)

oh so THAT'S the premise of that show.

-- Autumn Almanac (ada...), April 19th, 2005 9:55 AM. (Autumn Almanac) (later)

dawson's creek?

-- shine headlights on me (electricsoun...), April 20th, 2005 10:04 AM. (electricsound) (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Almost enough to understand how some people hate it all the time. Almost.
-- happy fun ball (fluxion2...), April 20th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ned, I imagine you're the only person in the world who responds to books on Auschwitz with phrases like "Dear me".
-- Allyzay Subservient 50s-Type (allyza...), April 20th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 27 made him say "HEAVENS!" so loudly his neighbor heard.
-- happy fun ball (fluxion2...), April 20th, 2005

*hides*

-- dan m (thedanmarti...), April 20th, 2005 11:00 AM.

It's not about how big a girl's bust is, it is about how she carries herself. Some of the hottest women in history have had small busts. Go fuck yourself - Diaz is a fox.

-- NamC- (nam...), April 20th, 2005. (later)

-- RS (r...), April 20th, 2005. (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Wait, I left myself wide open on that: I have not tasted Dan!)
-- RS (r...), April 20th, 2005. (later)

ive never been to scotland

but ive been to dewsbury. and salt lake city

-- charltonlido (...), April 20th, 2005 7:03 PM. (gareth) (link)

TWAS ME NAN

-- GARU G (GARU...), April 20th, 2005 7:05 PM. (link)

well, that too, i guess

-- charltonlido (...), April 20th, 2005 7:10 PM. (gareth) (link)

-- mark grout, April 20th, 2005 9:04 PM.

-- gargleby (bugle.boy.jean...), April 21st, 2005.

-- MURDERBALL OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS (power.strik...), April 21st, 2005.

-- ken c (pykachu10...), April 21st, 2005 11:02 PM. (ken c) (later)

Answers

The pig did it.

-- Autumn Almanac (ada...), April 21st, 2005 11:07 PM. (Autumn Almanac) (later)

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), April 22nd, 2005 1:27 PM. (later)

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 22nd, 2005. (hstencil) (later)

Actually I have said many times that steroids affect performance.

-- Alex in SF (clobberthesauru...), April 22nd, 2005. (Alex in SF) (later)

you're the only one, i think.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 22nd, 2005. (hstencil) (later)

he's not the only one

-- MindInRewind (mbvarkestra197...), April 22nd, 2005. (Barry Bruner) (later)

NAME NAMES LIKE YOU ARE SELIG

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 22nd, 2005. (hstencil) (later)

"I'm not here to talk about the past"

-- MindInRewind (mbvarkestra197...), April 22nd, 2005. (Barry Bruner) (later)

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...) (webmail), April 22nd, 2005. (link)

This almost makes up for hearing that my favorite restaurant in Minneapolis is going to close this summer.

-- Kim

which restaurant??

ARGH.

(that was Mandee's - sorry, forgot to cut and paste her name)

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 22nd, 2005. (later)

Oh mark, how could you have forgotten this gem?

http://homepage.mac.com/vanvdo/images/Farinelli_000.jpg

-- jocelyn (nalra...), April 22nd, 2005. (later)

ah yes, the original screwed and chopped.

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 22nd, 2005. (later)

--

Okay, maybe calling Odin a "bore" is a little bit of a stretch, but bitch owes me $50!

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...), April 22nd, 2005. (later)

*and by "it" we mean Rob Thomas solo CDs priced at 19.99

-- M@tt He1geson (matt@game[remove]informer.com) (webmail), April 22nd, 2005 1:07 AM. (Matt Helgeson) (link)

Shaun was one hot retard.

-- Leon Future Coffee (nicole.kessle...), April 22nd, 2005. (later)

maybe, shakey, but let's not be coy about the fact that we're all being assholes on this thread either.

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 22nd, 2005.

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...), April 22nd, 2005 2:30 AM. (Martin Skidmore) (later)

This explains the tender melancholy in Christopher Reeve's face in Superman II's love scene.

-- Ned Raggett (ne...), April 22nd, 2005 2:31 AM. (Ned) (later)

x-post

This thread is bringing back many cringe-inducing memories.

-- Nemo (jdevereux...), April 22nd, 2005 4:51 AM. (JND) (later)

She wasn't retarded though, was she? I thought she had MS or something.

-- Huk-L (handsomishbo...), April 22nd, 2005 4:51 AM. (later)

(actually that whole thread is hilarious)

-- Alex in SF (clobberthesauru...), April 22nd, 2005 6:39 AM. (later)

http://images.andale.com/f2/115/106/3791594/1014260739409_PuddingDirtCup.jpg

-- The Ghost of This Is The Thread Where The Women Of ILE Beat The Shit Out Of Me (djperr...), April 22nd, 2005 6:40 AM. (later)

1. I'm as serious as Donder, Blitzen or Prancer
When I say that rhythm is a dancer

2. Stick your hands up your derriere
And wave' em like you just don't care

3. If you're ready to party till the break of dawn
At the count of three, scream "Eric Hobsbawm"

4. Bass! How low can you go?
Death row? Or a bungalow?

-- Dr Benway (yocu...), April 24th, 2005. (dr benway) (later)

The third one especially cracked me up...

-- miccio (anthonyisrigh...), April 24th, 2005.

"An Incubus pin??? ON YOUR UNIFORM????"

-- miccio (anthonyisrigh...), April 24th, 2005.

hi aaron, sorry about your troubles get well soon duderman. i'm pullin' for ya.

-- hstencil (hstenc!...), April 25th, 2005. (hstencil) (later)

that's disgusting, hstencil

-- roxymuzak (emilysu...), April 25th, 2005. (roxymuzak) (later)

i hate to pull the "I went to a predominantly black high school" card to comment, but I don't really interact with a lot of "african-american poor" people in NYC (except for the A train, and those fabulous "homo-thugz" that hang out on the corner of astor pl. and broadway-- choice excerpt of conversation i overheard today: "i'm-a BEAT yo ASS! i told you i ain't no faggot no more! i'm straight!" and he was definitely about to beat this dude's ass and definitely not straight)

-- poortheatre (gah24...), April 25th, 2005.

i really hope this doesn't hurt their legacy.

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 25th, 2005 3:58 PM. (Mark P) (later)

Falling 80 feet to this death in an ill-advised crash TV angle?

-- Dom Passantino (juror...), April 25th, 2005.

-- trife (...), September 10th, 2003 5:37 PM. (simon_tr) (link)

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), April 26th, 2005.

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 25th, 2005 6:57 AM. (Mark P) (later)

Gear,

I was listening to that mix CD you gave me. Are you gay?

love
Mom

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) ([email protected]), April 25th, 2005.

-- Porkpie ...

-- Dadaismus (dadaismu...), April 26th, 2005.

Oops, that should read:

"Now go and do that voodoo that you so do WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL"

-- Dadaismus (dadaismu...), April 26th, 2005.

No, no, it should read:

"Now go and do that voodoo that you do so WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL"

Oh fuck it

-- Dadaismus (dadaismu...), April 26th, 2005.

Answers
more like a Jamiroquai bird than a moonwalking bird
-- donut debonair (do...), April 26th, 2005 4:27 AM.

it really just looks like a bunch of aged pedophiles playing Magic: The Gathering, if you ask me.

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) ([email protected]), April 26th, 2005 2:20 AM. (Gear!) (later)

-- Huk-L (handsomishbo...) (webmail), April 26th, 2005 7:17 PM.

-- Spencer Chow, April 27th, 2005 10:25 AM.

-- Allyzay do not obtain to make download of yours MP3 (allyza...), April 26th, 2005. (allyzay) (later)

...

15. my hot ex-girlfriend is serb, be nice

-- cutty (holle...), April 26th, 2005. (mcutt) (later)

16. getting dumped by a hot serb

-- shit think, shit think, shit quick (power.strik...), April 26th, 2005. (deangulberry) (later)

17. naw we still bang all the time

-- cutty (holle...), April 26th, 2005. (mcutt) (later)
...
19. i am not trying to insult serbs! I'm trying to explain how the Habsburg empire affected modernization and nationalization of the Serbian culture in Voivodina! STOP ACCUSING ME OF SERB HATING.

-- Allyzay do not obtain to make download of yours MP3 (allyza...), April 26th, 2005. (allyzay) (later)

20. having to use the word "bang" when you really mean "talk on the phone"

-- shit think, shit think, shit quick (power.strik...), April 26th, 2005. (deangulberry) (later)

-- Open your eyes; you can fly! (hot.air.balloo...), April 26th, 2005.

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 27th, 2005. (Mark P) (later)

http://images2.darkhorse.com/covers/11/11934.jpg

-- milozauckerman (wooderso...), April 27th, 2005.

they know what boys like

-- shine headlights on me (electricsoun...), April 27th, 2005.

surely any girl would question the sexual competency of a guy whose pick up line was just "oh i'm too drunk to ride this bike."

-- rogers broseph (power.strik...) (webmail), April 27th, 2005 3:06 AM. (deangulberry) (later) (link)

-- mark p (mark.p*****@rog...), April 27th, 2005 6:12 AM. (Mark P) (later)

there's a personal ad right there! xpost

-- shine headlights on me (electricsound@hot...), April 27th, 2005 6:12 AM. (electricsound) (later)

-- Leon Jones Reynolds (nicole.kessle...) (webmail), April 27th, 2005. (link)

-- cutty (holle...), April 28th, 2005 9:18 PM. (mcutt) (link)

GET ONE BARETTA

-- rogers broseph (power.strik...), April 28th, 2005 9:21 PM. (deangulberry) (link)

shit/drink

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 28th, 2005 9:21 PM. (Mark P) (link)

shit drink shit drink shit quick where is my laptop

-- cutty (holle...), April 28th, 2005 9:22 PM. (mcutt) (link)

dudhdudh closet
dududh closet
ddudhdhdudh closet
stuhsusdhd closet

-- rogers broseph (power.strik...), April 28th, 2005 9:24 PM. (deangulberry) (link)

ddudhdhdudh stuhsusdhd krrrayzee ass dududh closet

-- mark p (mark.p****...), April 28th, 2005 9:26 PM. (Mark P) (link)

P. MARKY

PICKING UP THIS WAITRESS (PARTS 1-5)
b/w
SEX IN THE RESTAURANT (REMIX)

-- cutty (holle...), April 28th, 2005 9:28 PM. (mcutt) (link)

-- moley (mol...), April 28th, 2005 1:56 PM. (later)

[...]

So the line don't rhyme, and I'll tell you why:
Line 3 says 'sell' when it should say 'buy'
So I ruined my rhyme, I'll lose my house to the bank
And I've only got my lack of self-editing to thank

-- moley (mol...), April 28th, 2005 2:00 PM. (later)

I mean, he more or less invented the fretless bass. If that doesn't make him a legend, then what would possibly make somebody a legend?

-- Geir Hongro

ANOTHER THREAD ABOUT A MUSICNEWS STORY WHERE EVERYONE RESPONDS WITH SNARKINESS

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

they don't call it the information superhighway for nothin'.
-- N_Rq (...), April 28th, 2005 11:40 AM.

Kids don't like their own balls.

-- Rufus 3000 (infinitecow...), April 28th, 2005 4:43 AM. (Mr Noodles) (later)

what a strangely poignant typo.

-- Dave M. (pton_mwaa...), April 28th, 2005 4:47 AM. (rotten03) (later)

-- latebloomer: But when the monkey die, people gonna cry. (posercore24...), April 28th, 2005.

Bono most definitely.
Ryan Adams (didn't he pick a fight with Jack White? I'm sorry, that's like picking on the homeless insane), Thom Yorke (I say this as a Radiohead fan), everyone in Interpol but especially Carlos, Sting, and Ben Gibbard (though maybe he's more of a pussy).

-- Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr...), April 28th, 2005 1:02 AM. (later)

sting and ben gibbard are in interpol now?!

-- s1ocki (slytus...), April 28th, 2005 2:14 AM. (later)

-- Dr. C

Lovely!

So, his usual self then.
-- Trayce, April 29th, 2005 3:51 PM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

nick, why are you yelling all over the place today?
-- kelsey (kelstarr...), April 28th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WAXY BUILDUP IN MY EARS
-- n/a (nu...), April 28th, 2005.

-- The Ghost of Dan Perry (djperr...), April 29th, 2005 9:08 AM. (Dan Perry)

-- James RX (jamesr...), April 29th, 2005 9:42 AM. (later) (link)

buddy, you are one fucked-up midwife.

-- N_RQ (bl0cke...), April 29th, 2005 9:44 AM. (later) (link)

-- David R. (quoteidio...), April 29th, 2005.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Would you rather live the 85 healthy years of Chris Martin?

-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), April 29th, 2005.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
...

50 YEARS AS A LION NOT 90 YEARS AS A RABBIT

-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), April 29th, 2005.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
...

I'm shooting for 65 as an ocelot.

-- David R. (quoteidio...), April 29th, 2005.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

fair enough

-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), April 29th, 2005.

exeunt

-- Haikunym (zinogu...), April 29th, 2005 4:25 PM. (Haikunym) (later)

-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...) (webmail), April 29th, 2005 1:23 PM. (nickalicious) (later) (link)

Scones
Lattes
Scones 'n' lattes
Scones scones lattes lattes scones 'n' lattes

-- Stupornaut (natepatri...) (webmail), April 29th, 2005. (link)

-- ken c (pykachu10...), April 29th, 2005 5:10 PM. (ken c) (later)

tofu = the devil's penis cheese. i hate it so much.
-- mark p, April 29th, 2005 2:25 PM.

-- dog latin (doglati...), April 29th, 2005 5:40 PM.

-- N_RQ (bl0cke...), April 29th, 2005.

If we're talking old-style vinyl doubles, then there's The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway - the second album shows a definite decline in standards from the first one.

-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), April 29th, 2005.

The second one contains "The Lamia", "The Colony Of Sippermen" and possibly the best version of the title track. So, no, I wouldn't say that.

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), April 29th, 2005.

I am surprised that you wouldn't say that. The second album is notably more "experimental" and less melodic. It is very arty-farty when compared to other albums of the period such as Leo Sayer's "Timeless Flight."

-- Comstock Carabinieri (copp...), April 29th, 2005.

The second album is experimental and melodic. Just like all symphonic rock at its best.

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), April 29th, 2005.

And just like Mozart at his best as well.

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), April 29th, 2005.

Mozart was a pretentious, unmelodic clown. His aimless posing compares unfavourably with the more considered and melodic composers of the period, such as Salieri.

-- Comstock Carabinieri (copp...), April 29th, 2005.

-- cutty (holle...), April 29th, 2005 1:54 PM. (mcutt) (link)

-- n/a (nu...), April 29th, 2005 5:38 PM. (Nick A.) (link)

-- keith m (keythkeyt...), April 30th, 2005 10:26 AM. (later)

I'd like to put it on record that I unreservedly admire all these fine organisations.
-- Martin Skidmore (martin.skidmore...) (webmail), December 1st, 2002 6:24 PM. (Martin Skidmore) (link)

-- Tracer Hand (tracerhan...), April 30th, 2005 7:40 PM. (tracerhand) (later)

Briefly, Asshole and Douche (and Hammett) are not states of beings - they're positions one can occupy in relation to another person. In the simplest form, a relationship between two people, one is the Asshole and one is the Douche. It's obvious who is who in Metallica.

Using examples from the movie, an Asshole tends toward self-absorbed behavoir - Witness Hetfields comments from the stage at San Quentin to the prisoners, something like (and it's been a while since I saw the film) "I've got a problem with rage, and if things had turned out differently, i might have ended up in here with you." Of course, Things DIDN'T turn out differently, and James is a billionaire rock star.

Douches tend towards selfish behavior as in Lars, when, discussing the new hired hand bassist and his comfort level says "it doesn't matter what he thinks; it matters how I feel!"

Hammetts are formed in the crucible of the Asshole/Douche relationship and think themselves above it, when in reality they're pathetic creatures who never end up getting what they want.

Pretty much all creative partnerships can be boiled down to Asshole/Douche.

-- Spicy Club Sauce (SpicyClubSauc...), April 28th, 2005.

"Wot? Aye"

They were both pissed but what a racket. I hate drunk people.

-- Cza (cz...), May 1st, 2005.

parents can be hard to understand sometimes. just know that they love you.
-- scott seward

-- Hari A$hur$t (lindseyloha...), April 30th, 2005. (later)

----

any idea how I can achieve my dream of sucking on kelly's pubes?
-- A homunculus of Darby Crash, .... created for the purposes of *EVIL* (showroo...), May 2nd, 2005. (later)

having some coke might help.
-- Al (hoteloper...), May 2nd, 2005. (later)

ok, now what
-- A homunculus of Darby Crash, .... created for the purposes of *EVIL* (showroo...), May 2nd, 2005. (later)

JB: yeah they dropped the backpackers for the altrockers. like following nixon with ford.

NP: "I am not a crunk"

what i've been wondering lately is how many people involved in the production of many of today's furry cartoons are furries themselves, or at least closet furries. it makes me smile every time i think about it :) .

-- jaymc (jmcunnin...) (webmail), April 29th, 2005 4:30 PM. (jaymc) (later) (link) (admin) (userip)

I hate that man so much.

-- The Ghost of I AM NOT A FURRY, I AM A FREE MAN (djperr...) (webmail), April 29th, 2005 4:38 PM. (Dan Perry) (later) (link) (admin) (userip)

-- Michael Stuchbery (mikeybidnes...), May 2nd, 2005 12:31 PM. (Mikey Bidness) (later)

Oh yeah, `cos Pulp...they were dead butch, weren't they.

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), May 1st, 2005 5:35 PM. (vassifer) (link)

Jarvis Cocker is such a man's man.

-- Jessie the Monster (scarymonsterrr...), May 1st, 2005 5:50 PM. (scarymonsterrr) (link)

-- Momus (nic...), May 2nd, 2005 9:31 AM. (Momus) (link)

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), May 2nd, 2005. (later)

I had one. Eventually we decided to meet each other, and ended up together for 2 years. Best relationship I ever had(dont ask how it ended).
-- petlover (strawberrywin...), May 2nd, 2005 10:17 AM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How did it end?
-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), May 2nd, 2005 10:37 AM. (C J)

actually, this is not an issue of terrorism.

-- A Nairn (moreta...), May 2nd, 2005. (moretap) (later)

bwahahahahahha!

-- Jordan (jordan...), May 3rd, 2005. (Jordan) (later)

i am sorry, that last post was done by my ignorant, stupid girlfriend. she's a tool. sorry.
-- t0dd swiss

Actually Zappa overheard Charles Mingus saying that quote to Elvis Costello.
-- Mark (r-...), May 3rd, 2005.

Dear s1ocki,

Please accept this gift of naturally-fermented beer. Mmm, beer. If you refuse we'll give you a tornado instead.

Your pal,
Nature

-- Nature (gai...), May 3rd, 2005. (later)

- Britpop has ABSOLUTELY ZERO R&B elements
- He isn't a band
- He is way too keyboard based

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), May 3rd, 2005. (later)

you used to have a car. you might have another one now, or it might be the same one, but, you had a car at some point, i know, dont try to fuck with me man, i remember, that one time, you said, "i have a car". i wrote it down, in case i ever forgot. you want me to go on, i will

you get up, every day, every fucking day! i bet you didnt want people to know that did you? every day.

adam, you dont want me to get started on you. you want these fuckers to know that edgware isnt in scotland, do you? DO YOU? its next to colindale. thats righT, edgware is next to colindale. AND HENDON. i can go on! and on. and on. for, like, ages. because satire is sort of long.

-- charltonhz (...), May 3rd, 2005 7:47 AM. (later)

You could at least have pointed out that EDGWARE is not even technically LONDON! That would be pretty satirical!

And talk some funny Northern talk while you're at it!

-- Nordicskillz (t1nym1n...), May 3rd, 2005 7:49 AM. (later)

adam is a manchester united fan. look at ONE MAP. do you see manchester being near edgware? or scotland? kept that pretty quiet didnt you?

-- charltonlido (...), May 3rd, 2005 7:51 AM. (later)

you don't understand, i'm different. i have a condition. i have a cold. ive had it since last week, you could never understand

-- chrltnhz (...), May 3rd, 2005 7:54 AM. (later)

9:44 AM, 4 May 05 If a giant boa was found in your attic and it went on to attack your village and it turned out that Roger Moore, Tony Hadley and Dan Aykroyd formed a secret society of snake capturers and you had to call them in to help - how would you personally try and help out? deleted by Rufus 3000 (My GOD, I'm depressed! Here I am a computer with a mind thousands of times more powerful as yours, doing nothing but deleting Calum Robert Waddell's threads and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.)

-- Mary (maj23...) (webmail), May 3rd, 2005 3:58 PM. (Mary) (later) (link)

He looks sort of like a yellow cat.

-- Leon Jones Reynolds (nicole.kessle...) (webmail), May 3rd, 2005 4:03 PM. (Ex Leon) (later) (link)

Gold start to finish.

Um, because I am one?
-- Trayce (spamspanke...) (webmail), May 4th, 2005 6:19 AM. (trayce) (link)

Who could tell with a name like Trayce? It's so ambiguous, like Sarah and Wendy.
-- Autumn Almanac (ada...) (webmail), May 4th, 2005 6:20 AM. (Autumn Almanac) (link)

i knew a wendy once, nice bloke.
-- shine headlights on me (electricsoun...) (webmail), May 4th, 2005 6:22 AM. (electricsound) (link)

that movie was later made and retitled 'the road warrior'.
-- j blount (jamesbloun...) (webmail), May 4th, 2005 6:33 AM. (papa la bas) (link)

Where things that don't change = things that stay the same, Huey does not, in fact, know what he likes.

-- Dennis (ab...) (webmail), May 4th, 2005. (link)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it's true, huey lewis is no rene descartes.

-- Amateur(ist) ([email protected]) (webmail), May 4th, 2005. (link)

-- n/a (nu...) (webmail), May 4th, 2005. (link)

haha admin log is frequently hilarious

Foo, I have been missing joy it seems. :-(

-- Leon Snodgrass (mycatisstaringatm...), May 4th, 2005.

-- mullygrubbr (fan...), May 5th, 2005 2:54 PM. (bulbs) (later)

Topper Headon taught me to swim.
-- TV's Mr Noodle Vague (noodle_vagu...) (webmail), May 5th, 2005 3:16 AM. (link)

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20050505/capt.flsa10105050112.yankees_devil_ray_flsa101.jpg

-- rasheed wallace (kanestbkly...), May 5th, 2005.

I used to like Matzah Pizza, but I think part of the reason for this was that it sounds like Macchu Picchu

-- Hurting (Hurtingchie...), May 5th, 2005 12:42 AM.

-- Jordan (jordan...) (webmail), May 5th, 2005 8:40 AM. (Jordan) (later)

games are not your mother.

-- s1ocki (slytus...) (webmail), May 5th, 2005 8:41 AM. (slutsky) (later)

They were my babysitter though.

-- Jordan (jordan...) (webmail), May 5th, 2005 8:50 AM. (Jordan) (later)

serious highfives.

-- s1ocki (slytus...) (webmail), May 5th, 2005 8:53 AM. (slutsky) (later)

-- Unfortunate Prankster (mycatisstaringatm...), May 5th, 2005.

-- Shakey Mo Collier (audiobo...), May 5th, 2005 7:53 PM.

Skidmore did that?

-- Andre Dawson (power.strik...), May 5th, 2005 7:56 PM

-- Billy Dods (butterbubble...), May 5th, 2005. (later)

Oh come on.

-- A homunculus of Darby Crash, .... created for the purposes of *EVIL* (showroo...), May 5th, 2005. (ex machina) (later)

Answers

Jizz doesn't taste that bad.
-- A homunculus of Darby Crash, .... created for the purposes of *EVIL* (showroo...) (webmail), May 5th, 2005 5:08 PM. (ex machina) (link)

-- Mr. Harvey Weinstein (h...), May 5th, 2005. (mr harvey weinstein) (later)

-- KeefW (m...), May 6th, 2005. (later)

-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...), May 6th, 2005. (later)

or not in a pub at all.

-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), May 6th, 2005. (later)

-- Marcello Carlin (marcellocarli...), May 6th, 2005 9:29 AM. (nostudium) (link)

"Fuck off, Merzbow."

-- William Bloody Swygart (thingummy9...), May 6th, 2005 9:30 AM. (mrswygart) (link)

-- md2020 (md202...), May 6th, 2005 11:26 AM. (pixie)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

obviously you're not a golfer.
-- N_RQ (bl0cke...), May 6th, 2005 11:27 AM.

-- happy fun ball (fluxion2...), April 29th, 2005 5:29 PM. (kenan) (later)

-- moley

-- Rock Hardy (crump...), May 6th, 2005.

-- ()ops ([email protected]), May 6th, 2005 4:41 PM. (()()ps) (later)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Emily Jacob" is a rubbish combination.
-- Martin Skidmore (lonewolf.cu...), May 6th, 2005 4:52 PM. (Martin Skidmore) (later)

-- roxymuzak (emilysu...), May 6th, 2005 10:11 PM. (roxymuzak) (later)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
you like B/Js?
-- ()ops ([email protected]), May 6th, 2005 10:12 PM. (()()ps) (later)

-- scott seward (skotro...), May 7th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales of Topographic Fuckfaces
-- Dr. Gene Scott (marcherinorang...), May 7th, 2005.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In and around the lake-ah.
-- Sang Freud (jstrell...), May 7th, 2005.

-- moley (mol...), May 7th, 2005.

AMotOS: ...

Me: Members of the opposite sex, I am excited in the company of your more attractive representatives, but you'll do, I suppose. I would like to spend time with at least one of you.

MotOS: ...

-- the continental (clarkcliffor...), May 8th, 2005.

-- Ian Riese-Moraine does not need to compromise his principles! (eastern_mantr...), May 8th, 2005 6:48 AM. (Eastern Mantra) (later)

poor alter boy! you don't have to do everything the priest says!

-- kyle (akmonda...), May 8th, 2005 6:50 AM. (akmonday) (later)

-- Trayce (spamspanke...), May 9th, 2005 12:10 PM. (trayce) (later)

But then where will people store all the power-ups?

-- Stupornaut (natepatri...), May 9th, 2005 12:13 PM. (natepatrin) (later)

Backpacks and vaginas duh nigga *SIGH*

-- LeCoq (leiffe...), May 9th, 2005 12:52 PM. (LeCoq) (later)

That's it. I'm voting Tory at the next election.

-- Matt DC (runmd...), January 27th, 2005.

(that's old so it might've been on an older 'celsior)

-- Nag! Nag! Nag! (vaticanroulett...), May 7th, 2005. (later)

woah!
-- dog latin (doglati...), May 7th, 2005. (later)

Funnily enough, my last date did the claw to Stevem's camera in March. Pattern?

-- The Irrelevant Man (Negativa) ([email protected]) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

DUCK: Quack.
MRS. DUCK: Quack quack.
DUCK: Quack.
MRS. DUCK: QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

[camera pans to a mule, naked and tied to a tree]

-- nabisco (--...), May 9th, 2005.

-- nabisco (--...) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She went through and translated the whole thing for me, and of course afterward I still didn't like the song that much, but she'd put in so much effort that I said ahh, I understand now, I was only experiencing half of the genius that is Gerardo, you've shown me the way, perhaps I will purchase the cassingle.

-- nabisco (--...) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), May 9th, 2005."

---

Well, go ahead, have fun judging the rock canon using disco criteria. And, btw, while you are at it, why don't you just judge hip-hop or contemporary R&B using classical music criteria as well?

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

"That Kanye West album has no COUNTERPOINT! It's not even music!"

-- J (McChum...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

"Goldberg Variations my ass! They stopped improvising that shit hundreds of years ago! And anyway, it doesn't swing, so it must suck!"

-- J (McChum...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

(sorry about those last two posts. I just don't want this thread to die yet!)

-- J (McChum...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

"That Kanye West album has no COUNTERPOINT! It's not even music!"

There are two many notes in music with counterpoint. You have these guys, Bach and Handel, who are extremely derivative and insist on recycling the past, but everybody else knows that the future of music lies in the considerably simpler approach that Bach's sons, and people like Salieri, represent.

-- Geir Hongro (geirhon...), May 9th, 2005. (later)

-- Joseph McCombs (jmccomb...) (webmail), May 9th, 2005. (link)

1) call up spencer chow, and make an appointment to be a member of his "posse" on a certain night in the MIDDLE of the week (tue-thurs only)...ie, "midweek." plan your trip accordingly.

2) visit LA. stay anywhere but the motel 6 on my street (i dont want anymore damn tourists here!!).

3) buy a pink shirt, or iron the one u brought from home (YES PINK. ESPECIALLY if you're a hetero man...weho-res don't wear pink anymore, its out...but for str8 hipsters here, it's "in")

4) call spencer chow's assistant again to confirm your plans

5) travel with him in your pink shirt and preferably dark colored blazer to hipsterfied gathering, and set your sights on someone in the posse-the-Chow-posse-is-shmoozing-with, who will predictably have Jenny-Lewisesque hair. avoid females wearing ponchos. britney-spearsy "train conductor" hats and hip-hop / newsieboy caps are okay, since that is so 2002 and these are NOT Lewisettes/hipsters, but are trying to be and are thus dumb and desperate and right up your alley.

6) try to be funny, witty or charming in your interaction with the Lewisette you've chosen...or at the very least, carry some gum and a cig lighter on you, and wait until you can "light her fire" when she asks...talk about how much you "never" come to this place, wherever you're at, but emphasize how you "prefer dive bars" instead of going anywhere celebities might be present. if, of course, there _is_ one present there, act as blase to the fact as possible to the fact, unless, of course, it's Jenny Lewis.

7) in keeping with the ethos of this thread, offer to buy hipsterette- Lewisette a drink, but _don't_ get drunk yourself. have one beer, but drink slowly. chew gum. IMPORTANT: COMPLIMENT your target on your byootiful her generic indie get-up is, and that you think that "hey, i love your hair...IT LOOKS JUST LIKE JENNY LEWIS." try to say this as authentically as you can.

i know that is the hard...but thats the hardest part. hang in there.

8) talk about how much you love spencer chow, and what great friends you are from back in the crazy raving-palladium days. DON'T mention "the internet." don't mention "myspace." don't mention "lightning bolt" or "sage francis" either. don't mention that you're from out of town. when asked where you're from, say "my family lives in the palisades, but i got my own place in echo park." (you can substitute "echo park" with "koreatown" or some downtown intersection, say "3rd and spring," ..use the word "loft" at least twice here).

9) when asked what you do, invariably answer with either non-descript industry job like "independent producer," "editor," etc - but drop in a big name in there, like, say, "dreamworks" or "ICM" - ...or "photographer," "graphic designer" etc (just saying artist won't do, since everyone here is pretending to be one). if you're feeling creative, combine the two: "well i'm a photographer, even though my dad works at CAA and wanted me to continue in his footsteps there," etc. if she looks like a hooker-waitress ie "actress" - and she most likely is - ASK first if thats what she may be..if she says no, you may have someone you might actually want to get in a genuine conversation with here (don't have to 'fess up to your lies though, still just play it cool.) but if she says "yes, i moved out here from montana to act..." yadda yadda now you know your game isn't that hard. and if you haven't already mentioned your profession, now you must casually say you're "a junior agent at paradigm." if your target looks suspiciously overindie, substitute big industry names with proper nouns like "Rhino," "Ameoba," etc.

10) when you are certain you have your slightly intoxicated prey's attention ...all of a sudden, look bored. conspicuously gaze and make eye-contact with another Lewisette in the group..perhaps even smile at her and introduce yourself, and make sure your original Lewisette sees it. when she begins to sense she might have some competition, she will move in closer to you if you've been doing things right.

11)when this happens, stay cool - don't seem too eager - but smile benevolently and make a lighthearted-yet-complimentary joke at spencer chow's expense, like "isn't spencer chow such a r0ckstar? he's so popular..." if she laughs, move in even closer to her and put your hand on her shoulder to test the waters. if things still look good, make another spencer chow reference, but one that's in your favor, like: "i can't believe he asked to borrow another one of my blazers tonight! the kid has so many of his own." at this point, your Lewisette will glance again at spencer chow - who will doubtlessly be dressed to the nines - and then should look back admiringly at you. put your arm around her at this point...you're almost there. obv, you should have been using body language anyway this whole time..

12) "seal the deal" - accompany your Lewisette to wherever the spencer chow posse may be going..just ask if she wants to come along, and if you've been doing evrything right, she should be. don't look too excited or thrilled though, since you never know what will happen until anything really does. try not to take your arm off of her though, once you've put it on her and she's accepted it. develop comfortability in your physical contact. don't make bad jokes at this point. in fact, try to talk as little as you can...let her do the talking. just maintain the physical contact.

13) after you "get adventuous" with your Lewisette (argh no more RK references I promise!), rinse your cock and repeat

see...just that easy!

-- Vichitravirya XI (eyeohmine99...), May 9th, 2005 12:10 AM. (link)

also, the alternate to all that could simple be: 1) STAY at the motel 6 on my street, and 2) Pay.

-- Vichitravirya XI (X...), May 9th, 2005 12:21 AM. (link)

-- kirsten , May 9th, 2005. (kirsten) (later) (link)

-- The Ghost of Dan Perry (djperr...), May 9th, 2005 3:46 PM.

-- Geir Hongro

I totally agree. Salieri is dreadfully underrated, and why? That damn movie. Also, CPE Bach rulez

Vic's post is CLASSIC! Gareth, come back! I'm definitely more hip now! Also, LA hipster nightlife is largely myspace-driven.

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), May 10th, 2005.

i went to an all girl boarding school for five years as a teenager and i never participated in or witnessed a pillow fight the entire time. i simply cannot believe that there is a basis in truth for this myth.

-- gem (gemilyinterrupte...), May 10th, 2005 3:41 PM. (trisk) (later)

Gem, maybe we got left out of some sekrit society where the women all lezz up, eat chocolate and buy shoes all the time :(

-- Trayce (spamspanke...), May 10th, 2005 3:42 PM. (trayce) (later)

that bloke who called me mannish might be right. maybe our lives will never be fulfilled.

-- gem (gemilyinterrupte...), May 10th, 2005 3:48 PM. (trisk) (later)

*takes clothes off*

Want some chocolate?

-- Trayce (spamspanke...), May 10th, 2005 3:49 PM. (trayce) (later)

yes plz

-- slightly more subdued (fluxion2...), May 10th, 2005 3:50 PM. (kenan) (later)

you'd best duck or i'll smack you with this feather pillow

-- gem (gemilyinterrupte...), May 10th, 2005 4:00 PM. (trisk) (later)

yes plz

-- slightly more subdued (fluxion2...), May 10th, 2005 4:04 PM. (kenan) (later)

-- marianna (mariannamaclea...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005 10:18 AM. (link)

Dr Who and the Chazbaps

-- ja (yo...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (link)

I can just see the hoards of second generation Irishmen in Orange County singing "David Boooooy"...
-- Pete

-- Spencer Chow (spencercho...), May 10th, 2005. (spencermfi) (later)

-- jill schoelen is the queen of my dreams! (mandeewrigh...), May 10th, 2005.

Whats the rent like?

-- Jarlr'mai (jimmy.parke...), May 10th, 2005.

astronomical

-- ken c (pykachu10...), May 10th, 2005.

you guys here all week?

-- ken taylrr (or...), May 10th, 2005.

she was already a friend, but at Club Kerrang! almost three years ago, she asked me about the girl i was then sort-of seeing, and then said, "what about you and me?" i blathered ineffectually but honestly about how i was still messed up after my dad's death, how i was still hung up on someone else, how i was just a big mess. ten minutes later we were kissing each other's face off, and ten more minutes later, speeding to my flat in a cab. it lasted almost three years.
-- stevie (stevieisdrinkingdosequi...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (stevie) (later)

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Your flat must've been a long way away!
-- dog latin (doglati...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (dog latin) (later)

-- Drew Daniel (mces...) (webmail), May 10th, 2005. (link)

Why are they still opening threads about rockism? Why? Whyyyyy? WHY???
-- Leon Federline (nicole.kessle...), May 10th, 2005.

threads on rockism are always worth opening bcz eventually i will post on em
-- mark s (mar...), May 10th, 2005.

even if i hate myself for it
-- mark s (mar...), May 10th, 2005.

do not read this threrad if i hate myself for it
-- mark s (mar...), May 10th, 2005.

----------------------------------------

It's so frustrating when you see something that might be nice, you grab it in the right size, then turn it around and see that there's a hideous sequin-spangled cheesecloth panel covered with blanket stitch all over the back.

-- Liz :x (lizd4ply...), May 10th, 2005.

"the quantity of the semen is many, is. Locking the head of the meeting
? which the face the ? is directed firmly, the ? ? the actor
large number which is applied. The ogre domesticated fowl and animals
(^ ^ it draws ??? being to be good,, but we wanted with the
discharge scene stopping waist errand at least, don't you think? is.

"At large milk of E cup of ???? meeting ? ????. For
the first time, the squid it was possible with ???? to do, so
is. Don't you think? the horseman power it is the rank ? ? applying
last scene. As for the partner the flower Oka ? ? it is. The
flower Oka ? ? it is as for ??? of the person being
???, to see, you answer. The ? ? applying as the normal rank
? ? applying using the same actor, the coming out of the semen is
a little bad, is. But, conversely that at a stroke preventing the fact
that it becomes ???? state, it increases. Disaster changing,
the feeling which you say. The SI grass which the middle, paints the
semen in the self large milk and extends is and is ??. You finish
to per ?? in ????. (The flower Oka semen oven it is it is
dense, is)"

-- Momus (nic...), May 10th, 2005 6:31 PM. (Momus) (link)

You should turn that translation into a song, Momus.

-- milozauckerman (wooderso...), May 10th, 2005 6:44 PM. (miloaukerman) (link

-- Pleasant Plains /// (pleasant.plain...), May 11th, 2005. (later)

haha when watching law&order: criminal intent i have found myself thinking of all the ways in which i wd SO TOTALLY OUTWIT and NOT BE TRICKED by vincent d'onofrio

now all i need to do is commit a convoluted murder and become fictional

-- mark s (mar...), May 11th, 2005. (later)

-- Gear! (can Jung shill it, Mu?) ([email protected]), May 11th, 2005 4:43 PM. (later)

-- mullygrubbr (fan...), May 12th, 2005 10:20 AM. (later)

but god almighty, come back jimmy, all is forgiven. JLC is a throbbing phallus; an almighty gusher of spunk.

-- grimly fiendish (simonmai...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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23:05 FAQ U
Will global warming make Dunstable the new Dubai? Is hunting foxes cool now it's illegal? Would you rather have no knees or no elbows? These and other 'Frequently Asked Questions' are posed, pondered and pontificated on by a panel of Britain's brightest comedy stars.
So, next week, is it going to be, like, "if you were on an airline seat and alsion moyet sat next to you(etc etc)" or "If a ravenous lion fell on your head, who would you rather have cushion the blow: 1. phil collins 2. shakin' stevens (etc etc)" I think this sounds like the only hope for this program

-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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Then the presenters could be all like "YOU = PC NAZI I AM LEAVING THE STUDIO FOREVER AND SUING YOU"
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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Then one of the presenters could accuse one of the cameramen of being james bl0unt, who obviously sent him all that junk mail.
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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Unread Messages
I'd probably watch thi program if it was like that, and if i had a telly of course.
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

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actually no, probably i wouldn't.
-- Pashmina (vietgrov...), May 12th, 2005. (later)

Did he appear to in any way represent the lollipop guild?
-- nickalicious (nickaliciou...)

-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), September 28th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

Mike you are a fuckpuppet in black or out of it

-- anthony (anthonyeasto...), September 28th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

stick your hand up me then and make me do your bidding

-- Mike Hanle y (pennyson...), September 29th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

I am baby i am

-- anthony (anthonyeasto...), September 29th, 2001 8:00 PM. (link)

Also I think it may be high time for a new EXCELSIOR thread.